XVIII.

Please kiss me, one last time. This is the end of my life.

Untitled

I still feel empty.


Time doesn't heal. It just swallows memories.

XV.

I'd like to start this post off by saying that it's late and I'm tired. So don't hold me fully accountable for this post do to my lack of sleep and the thoughts that go on in my head this late at night.

I'm back home. This will be the last 2 weeks in my house that I have lived in for many, many years. I decided that it is time for me to move out. I will be moving in with my good friend Chris and Tim. They are located about 4 miles away from my house. My mom is kind of pulling the typical mom thing where she doesn't want to let go of her baby boy. But she knows that it's not only something I want, but it's something I need. I don't think I can spend another year in this house hold. With my brother and sister and their kids living here, it is just not something I want. I am hoping to start apprenticing to be a piercer by the end of this week. I hope everything works out. My mom said she'd help me get on my feet, which I am very happy she is willing to help, cause I do need it. I think moving out is a big step that I need to take. I am still signed up for school and if piercing doesn't really work out then I will attend it. I figured that the only reason as to why I would be going to school is to attain some sort of degree to have a career. But if I can pierce, then I want that to be my career. I really couldn't see myself doing anything else. I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, but honestly, who's going to hire me? I have tattoos (and still want more) and stretched ears. Reality always seems to hit me so hard when it finally does. So piercing is my main goal right now.

I will more than likely see my mom everyday still, do to how close the house is. This summer I will either be working or apprenticing and hanging out. I should be getting my bike tomorrow, which I am excited about. That will be my main form of transportation this summer. I've been riding fixed gear a good amount recently and have grown comfortable and actually prefer to ride fixed gear more than free wheel bikes. In my opinion I feel faster and more in control of everything I do. I have almost everything I need and want. Orange County is a very hilly place, but I like the challenge. It will take some getting used to still...but I have all summer to learn. I'm also very stressed about writing our full length, we want to have it done by the end of summer and start of fall...musically that is. It seems somewhat realistic. But if I'm going to have a job or whatever it's going to be hard. But at the same time it might drive me to write more emotional music. I dislike the idea of jobs so much. I'd much rather be hanging out with friends or alone but I know that that's never going to happen. I'd much rather be doing something I'm interested in then working some dead end job just to get by paying rent. But yeah, writing right now feels difficult for me. I hope we have a good portion done by fall.

I've lost the desire to write. I'm too tired now.

Goodnight,
XadrianX

XIV.

I woke up in a really horrible mood today for some reason and I really can't explain it. It seems as though no matter what I have, I will always be mad at something. I'm in Santa Cruz right now and this stay has been a lot different from the last one. It's been good at some points and bad at others, kind of like the last one. I've been staying with my friend Luis (who has been nothing short of amazing on my stay here) at some house with a bunch of girls who party. His room is under the stairs and it's kind of funny that he lives here because he can't really relate to any of these people. I don't think I'd be able to do that. I hardly know these girls and I dislike them, just seeing them around and hearing their annoying voices talking about "going out tonight" or going to bars or parties. It's ridiculous. I hope I'm making them as uncomfortable as they make me. One of them JUST walked down and asked "hey, we were kind of wondering what your deal is here..." and I told them I'm doing "business for a friend wo used to live here, don't worry about it". It's funny that one of them would come down and ask me that kind of thing when I'm just lounging around. It's not like I'm eating their food or drinking their drinks (which they don't have) or anything else of theirs. Maybe I am using their soap in the shower, but who cares. Either way, this stay has been weird and I don't know what to think of it. For the first time in a long time I actually want to go home. Not to say that I don't enjoy peoples company, I just don't think I was ready to come back so soon. I have ther things to wirte about but I don't feel like writing down all my personal relationship thingy's on an online journal.

"I just can't find my place in this world."