Ambitions

It's been a while. I suppose now's a good time to do a recap on the year.

I can't believe 2011 is gone. Years go by fast for me now but the days go by particularly slow. It's crazy to think that I'm almost 24...almost. There's still time to do something drastic.

I got a lot done in 2011; particularly with my outlets and stress relievers. Musically I have grown and physically I'm in the best shape I have ever been in (still not where I want to be) my life. It's hard to pin point my accomplishments this year and what I've got done but it's been a lot.

COG released our split LP with Seven Sisters Of Sleep and I think it's done us well. COG has released one release per year since we've been a band and hopefully it stays that way. We aren't exactly a song writing or touring machine but that's kind of what I wanted to avoid. I never want to force creativity and I never want to hinder the true emotion that goes into playing the music (touring). I want every show to be unique in its own way and I want to feel honest every time we play the music. I honestly cannot see us ever touring on a large scale but I'm not completely against it. I'm content with playing one off shows every now and then and focusing on writing music we're all happy with.

I have jumped into cycling head first. I recently finished my first century (100 mile ride) and in a really good time. It helps having very fit friends to push you and inspire you. I have put in a ton of miles this year (4000+) and I can't get over how much it hurts/how good it feels when I ride my bike. I bit the bullet and invested in a new bike this year and it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. If I keep up with my ride averages or if I get faster I might start to gain enough confidence to ride in a race or something. A triathlon is still my main goal but cycling is just that, it's cycling...as fast as you can for about 2-3 hours and feeling that lactate build up in your legs and asking your self "what the fuck do I do to my self?" every 30 minutes. If you aren't suffering...you aren't cycling, you're just riding your bike.

I got to see a lot of fucking cool bands this year and had a lot of amazing musical inspirations click in my head. I also got to see (and touch) Morrissey again which has always been a pleasure. Seeing Neurosis twice this year was one of the coolest things I have ever gotten to do. I saw Scott Kelly play in this small little bar in Long Beach about a month ago and that definitely got my urge to release some sort of "solo" stuff soon...I've just been too busy. I got to play with my friends bands more notably Brave Young and I finally made a trip out there to see them...I love those guys with all my heart.

I also went through a few of the toughest points in my life so far (it only gets worse) with losing loved ones and almost losing my self. Every day is a struggle but somehow some way I find the strength to wake up at ungodly hours and keep pushing.

I try to appreciate all the times I don't feel like shit (I'm distracted) and try to hold on to them for as long as possible.

NEWS:
So on to this new year...with new years comes new aspirations, new disappointments, new obstacles, new victories and a lot more defeats but while I'm stuck on this greying rock what the hell else am I going to do?

COG will be getting a practice space very soon and that means we will be going into hibernation mode to finish writing our new record. If you've seen us lately we have been playing a couple of songs that will be on this new record and they are very...different but it is all part of the evolution. We will be incorporating visuals into our shows after this record comes out. These are all part of an experience that I want people to walk away with, I want people to be upset that they have to sit through our set or I want them to "get" what we're doing and enjoy everything that we're doing. I think this band will be a whole new monster after this year and it can only get better in my eyes as a search for more in depth self reflection just brings songs out of us...I just want honest art now and these days it's hard to come in contact with that.

I want to write more this year...hopefully time lends itself to me...or rather creativity allows me to accomplish this.

I'm done.

I'll try not to be a stranger...

Through out my 23years of existence I have grown so accustomed to the chaotic, emotionally unstable, indecisive roller coaster I like to call life.

What does that mean exactly? It means that I have this ability to feel shiftless, restless, and anxious when everything is going just fine. I feel restless, bored, tired, and ready for new things to come all at the same time. It's a shitty feeling, knowing that I am at ease but I am not ready for it yet.

The days have been going by so fast and life seems to be going by so slow all at the same time.

I'm seeing a new therapist, she's great. I feel refreshed after talking her ear off.

I have finally buckled down (well, naturally) and started writing new COG material, it's...different. The emotions are the same but they are more matured, the music is different and the approach is a lot more different. The show we have coming up should be a good indicator of things to come. I hate deadlines being put on anything creative that I do but I'll just say the stuff should be out sooner than later.

Other things: I have been really getting into cycling...like on a jock level. Riding my bike produces the same chemicals in my brain that playing music does, it keeps me occupied, it's a good release. The suffering and pain that goes along with cycling is a sign of my personality, climbing up a hill and feeling your legs burn, reaching the peek and then finally sitting down in your saddle and then it's time to shift back up to gain some speed...after all "It never gets easier, you just go faster."

I have made two giant purchases recently, one being a new bike and a new camera. Both of these are taking over my creative side and good results should follow.

I've also been reinforcing my jock lifestyle by going to gym as well..although I don't do much weight lifting. I do spin class and do very light weight work...it feels good.

I have a tumblr now to showcase what photography skills I do have...again a slow process.

I think that's about it.

Bye.

no miracles here

I've been off and on lately (nothing new) but more than normal and more serious than normal. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've put my self in exile. People don't matter much to me anymore (not people in the general sense, just certain people) and I can't think of any reason why they should. The whole past month has been a complete blur. The only good thing to come of it is a new project (weird right?) that I am incredibly excited about. I feel like this project puts everything I have ever done musically to shame. It's relaxing to play and when we play together I get a very euphoric feeling, as if I'm floating and escaping from everything. I don't know. It's just the way it feels. I wrote my songs when I was feeling extremely depressed and that's actually how this band came about, just a desperation of needing to release my emotion.

Things seem to be going pretty good for COG we have a split with Seven Sisters Of Sleep coming out later this year and we are doing a big record release show with Gehenna, Nails, SSOS, Mistake, and Creatures. Other than those things things have been going slow at the COG camp, school is starting, work is calling, and life is ending. I haven't felt angry lately therefor no new music has been written and I've pretty much neglected all things COG so for the 2 of you that are waiting for no news, I apologize.

I'm done.

Dead end

lonesomer

I guess today was a productive day. I saw two Doctors, one to reinforce how mentally fucked I am and one to tell me (guess) what was wrong with me. I've been out of commission for the past week due to this sickness. I've had a very low energy level, sore throat, terrible sleeping patterns, mucus, everything was just going to shit. I'm on antibiotics now and I'm waiting for them to make me feel better.

This being sick thing has kept me from being outside riding my bike, running, swimming, exercising, keeping my mind occupied, this means that I've had a lot of time to run around in circles in my head. I have not been well mentally and I think it starts to show when I'm physically ill, it takes a lot for me to keep that mask up.






I took pictures of my neighborhood tonight, places I used to play when I was a little kid. It helped a little to sit there and think about being a little kid again and smelling the summer air that was the same air that kept me alive then and now.

If only things were like they were back then right?

the weight of loss is whole

I've been neglecting this blog for various reasons, mostly because I've been too busy getting my life situated. It's hard to find time to care when there's not much to care about. To summarize my life since I last wrote here: everything has been a mess. I've fallen into one of those cycles...if you've been keeping up with this blog at all (I doubt anyone has) you know what I mean.

I had to put one of my cats to sleep on Tuesday. It has effected me more than I ever thought it would. Being in the room petting her knowing I would never see her again was just too much to handle at that moment in time, all I could do is tear up and be there for her in her last moments. Now I replay that moment in my head everyday, every minute, every hour. I'm a dweller, I can't let things go, I wish I could but once anything enters my mind I can't shake it. My mind won't let me forget the sound she made when she went. That night our other cat (one of her kittens) was crying and I could sense that she felt the loss. I've been sleeping all day and going to sleep as much and as early as possible. I can't stop tearing up thinking about my cat that I brought home to my mom 9 years ago. I'll never see her again and it's killing me.

Chris Owens - Amp Extraordinaire

This past Friday and Saturday COG recorded 5 songs, 3 that will be on a split and 2 that we have no idea what we're going to do with yet.

We were fortunate enough to have our friend Dez let us use his old house in Northern OC to record live. Dez is one of the coolest guys I have met within the past 5 years. The Cabin is my favorite place to play in OC and is definitely a staple in the OC underground scene right now.

We recorded our record with Chris Owens and when he wasn't talking about gear, be it recording or guitar/bass he was standing on couches listening for the right acoustics in the room and taping mics to the floor and the wall, the guy knows his stuff. I've listened to the rough mix about 10 times now and it already sounds infinitely better than anything we have done...musically and sound wise. The best part about this recording session is that we were Chris's first project since he's moved from Louisville to LA in order to pursue his porn career.

The split should be out by October and the two songs we don't know what we're doing with yet...well maybe they'll never come out. Who knows.