Thursday, July 28, 2011

the weight of loss is whole

I've been neglecting this blog for various reasons, mostly because I've been too busy getting my life situated. It's hard to find time to care when there's not much to care about. To summarize my life since I last wrote here: everything has been a mess. I've fallen into one of those cycles...if you've been keeping up with this blog at all (I doubt anyone has) you know what I mean.

I had to put one of my cats to sleep on Tuesday. It has effected me more than I ever thought it would. Being in the room petting her knowing I would never see her again was just too much to handle at that moment in time, all I could do is tear up and be there for her in her last moments. Now I replay that moment in my head everyday, every minute, every hour. I'm a dweller, I can't let things go, I wish I could but once anything enters my mind I can't shake it. My mind won't let me forget the sound she made when she went. That night our other cat (one of her kittens) was crying and I could sense that she felt the loss. I've been sleeping all day and going to sleep as much and as early as possible. I can't stop tearing up thinking about my cat that I brought home to my mom 9 years ago. I'll never see her again and it's killing me.