Tuesday, February 19, 2008


So I have moved back into my parents house, so many people dread going back into their parents house after having a taste of "freedom" but I wasn't dreading anything. I really felt like I needed to spend some serious alone time with my self when I lived with my friends. I enjoy the people I lived with but with the kind of person I am, I couldn't function properly. I'm enjoying the life of reclusion and total abandonment of everything and everyone. I have no attachments. I can truly say I am back to my old self, although that was never something to really brag about. I listen to my records in the morning, go running, get ready for work, then come back after work, run and read.

I am done.

Monday, February 11, 2008


I had a good meeting with a friend today. We discussed the terrible aspects of the hardcore scene these days and the even more terrible aspects of life itself. I can't say that I'm not excited about anything because that is definitely not true. I'm finally going to be on a piece of wax and forever immortalized. I'm in two bands that have my organ that pumps blood through-out my whole body. I'm still straightedge, and I'm still vegan. I'm still just as pist at the world as I was when I was 13 years old. I really can't complain about things right now. I heard some good news the other day...my brother who's serving a life sentence (or was) is being called back into court do to his trial being botched. His lawyer said with how serious the trial was fucked, he should get time served and be out within 2 weeks. My mom told me the news and I couldn't believe it...I hope for his sake, and my moms sake and my sake that it happens. I have a lot of stuff to show him. He missed out on 10 years of my life and I can't remember the last time I was truly happy since his leaving.

On the other hand I don't want him to see how much of a mess I have become. It's time for bed.

Play list:
The Swans - Children of God
The Sword - Gods of The Earth
Floor - Floor
Torche - Torche
Isis - In The Absence of Truth
Cursed - II/III
Trap Them - Seance Prime
Quicksand - Slip

Sunday, February 10, 2008


My insomnia-esque way of sleeping has been killing me recently. I used to not mind it but now I realized there really is no point to being awake. I try to fall asleep as fast as possible. I just wanted yesterday to end as soon as it began. I felt unmotivated to do anything or to say anything to anyone. I can't wait to get out of this house, I like my friends but I think I'm going to kill myself if I have to live another month here. I don't like being depressed around people who are having a good time, it's even more depressing. I just want to spend time in a room alone and not having people asking me how I'm doing so I'll have to lie to them.
I suppose I saw the end coming and I shouldn't be surprised in the slightest. You get a quick moment of relief knowing that the pain of heartache is just beginning rather than wondering when it's going to happen...well it's happening now and it catches you by surprise. Then again when have I ever gotten a fair warning about anything?
In other uninteresting news, 7 Generations is going into the studio to record our full length and I'm kind of optimistic? I've been lovesick for studio time for a long time...almost 4 years. Last time I was in the studio I was so depressed I couldn't even put into words how shitty I was feeling. Sitting in a room with 4 of my best friends (at the time) for 16 hours just watching some guy click around on the computer screen. It was exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things...or just dive into my problems and work them out by myself. I'm going in with Tim to help him record drums and then lay down the guitar tracks. I'm also pretty optimistic about tour...I shouldn't get myself stoked about anything...that's when heartache comes into the equation and I've had too much for now. I'm a train wreck that hasn't stopped pushing forward, piling more cars onto each other without any warning...no train signals, just coming out of left field. When will I end?

Truly mine,

Friday, February 8, 2008


My sleeping schedule has seriously become a nuisance, I can't sleep for a full night to save my life. Last night I went to bed early do to my excessive headache and I saw no reason to stay awake anymore. To no avail, I woke up 2 hours later and walked around a bit then went back to sleep. I then woke up another 2 hours later...and then another 2 hours later. I've been awake for about an hour and a half and the possibility of any sleep is bleak. My mind is racing and I feel like I should be doing something, but I have nothing to do. I'm kind of excited to move back out to my moms. I can have more money for spending on guitar stuff and other equipment. I've been in the process of writing "shoegazey" music and so far so good. I have the structures to a few songs down and I just need to work on them daily.

2 weeks ago I was one of the happiest people around and now I'm back down in my slump. Moving into my moms is going to help me get back into my hermit mode where I hardly eat and work out way too much for my own good. I hope I can get some decent sleep, it's all I ask...then again what have I ever gotten out of asking?

I've run out of things to talk about or I stopped caring.

P.S. There's got to be something wrong with dreaming about guitar heads every time you close your eyes.

Wasting in no ones arms,

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Life in regret.

Times have not been too kind to me (well, recently). I've been waking up every hour for the past 3 nights. My mind is always somewhere else when I'm somewhere else.

I told my room mates that I'm moving back into my moms house by the end of this month. We'll see how things go with that. I'll probably just dip back into my routine of being a manic depressive and eating unhealthy and running too much...who said that's a bad thing?

I watched a documentary called "The Bridge", it was about people who committed suicide off the golden gate bridge. Although it was depressing, I thought it was one of the most romantic things...it sounds strange to say. People killing them selves in front of hundreds of people. Next time I'm in the bay area I want to walk along that bridge, I haven't since I was 8 or so.

I have nothing else to write about, nothing else has a purpose.

Somewhere out there, I hope someone is having a good life...cause they're living one for me.