Monday, October 17, 2011

Through out my 23years of existence I have grown so accustomed to the chaotic, emotionally unstable, indecisive roller coaster I like to call life.

What does that mean exactly? It means that I have this ability to feel shiftless, restless, and anxious when everything is going just fine. I feel restless, bored, tired, and ready for new things to come all at the same time. It's a shitty feeling, knowing that I am at ease but I am not ready for it yet.

The days have been going by so fast and life seems to be going by so slow all at the same time.

I'm seeing a new therapist, she's great. I feel refreshed after talking her ear off.

I have finally buckled down (well, naturally) and started writing new COG material, it's...different. The emotions are the same but they are more matured, the music is different and the approach is a lot more different. The show we have coming up should be a good indicator of things to come. I hate deadlines being put on anything creative that I do but I'll just say the stuff should be out sooner than later.

Other things: I have been really getting into on a jock level. Riding my bike produces the same chemicals in my brain that playing music does, it keeps me occupied, it's a good release. The suffering and pain that goes along with cycling is a sign of my personality, climbing up a hill and feeling your legs burn, reaching the peek and then finally sitting down in your saddle and then it's time to shift back up to gain some speed...after all "It never gets easier, you just go faster."

I have made two giant purchases recently, one being a new bike and a new camera. Both of these are taking over my creative side and good results should follow.

I've also been reinforcing my jock lifestyle by going to gym as well..although I don't do much weight lifting. I do spin class and do very light weight feels good.

I have a tumblr now to showcase what photography skills I do have...again a slow process.

I think that's about it.


Friday, September 2, 2011

no miracles here

I've been off and on lately (nothing new) but more than normal and more serious than normal. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've put my self in exile. People don't matter much to me anymore (not people in the general sense, just certain people) and I can't think of any reason why they should. The whole past month has been a complete blur. The only good thing to come of it is a new project (weird right?) that I am incredibly excited about. I feel like this project puts everything I have ever done musically to shame. It's relaxing to play and when we play together I get a very euphoric feeling, as if I'm floating and escaping from everything. I don't know. It's just the way it feels. I wrote my songs when I was feeling extremely depressed and that's actually how this band came about, just a desperation of needing to release my emotion.

Things seem to be going pretty good for COG we have a split with Seven Sisters Of Sleep coming out later this year and we are doing a big record release show with Gehenna, Nails, SSOS, Mistake, and Creatures. Other than those things things have been going slow at the COG camp, school is starting, work is calling, and life is ending. I haven't felt angry lately therefor no new music has been written and I've pretty much neglected all things COG so for the 2 of you that are waiting for no news, I apologize.

I'm done.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


I guess today was a productive day. I saw two Doctors, one to reinforce how mentally fucked I am and one to tell me (guess) what was wrong with me. I've been out of commission for the past week due to this sickness. I've had a very low energy level, sore throat, terrible sleeping patterns, mucus, everything was just going to shit. I'm on antibiotics now and I'm waiting for them to make me feel better.

This being sick thing has kept me from being outside riding my bike, running, swimming, exercising, keeping my mind occupied, this means that I've had a lot of time to run around in circles in my head. I have not been well mentally and I think it starts to show when I'm physically ill, it takes a lot for me to keep that mask up.

I took pictures of my neighborhood tonight, places I used to play when I was a little kid. It helped a little to sit there and think about being a little kid again and smelling the summer air that was the same air that kept me alive then and now.

If only things were like they were back then right?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

the weight of loss is whole

I've been neglecting this blog for various reasons, mostly because I've been too busy getting my life situated. It's hard to find time to care when there's not much to care about. To summarize my life since I last wrote here: everything has been a mess. I've fallen into one of those cycles...if you've been keeping up with this blog at all (I doubt anyone has) you know what I mean.

I had to put one of my cats to sleep on Tuesday. It has effected me more than I ever thought it would. Being in the room petting her knowing I would never see her again was just too much to handle at that moment in time, all I could do is tear up and be there for her in her last moments. Now I replay that moment in my head everyday, every minute, every hour. I'm a dweller, I can't let things go, I wish I could but once anything enters my mind I can't shake it. My mind won't let me forget the sound she made when she went. That night our other cat (one of her kittens) was crying and I could sense that she felt the loss. I've been sleeping all day and going to sleep as much and as early as possible. I can't stop tearing up thinking about my cat that I brought home to my mom 9 years ago. I'll never see her again and it's killing me.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Chris Owens - Amp Extraordinaire

This past Friday and Saturday COG recorded 5 songs, 3 that will be on a split and 2 that we have no idea what we're going to do with yet.

We were fortunate enough to have our friend Dez let us use his old house in Northern OC to record live. Dez is one of the coolest guys I have met within the past 5 years. The Cabin is my favorite place to play in OC and is definitely a staple in the OC underground scene right now.

We recorded our record with Chris Owens and when he wasn't talking about gear, be it recording or guitar/bass he was standing on couches listening for the right acoustics in the room and taping mics to the floor and the wall, the guy knows his stuff. I've listened to the rough mix about 10 times now and it already sounds infinitely better than anything we have done...musically and sound wise. The best part about this recording session is that we were Chris's first project since he's moved from Louisville to LA in order to pursue his porn career.

The split should be out by October and the two songs we don't know what we're doing with yet...well maybe they'll never come out. Who knows.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

All things must end.

So the newest news I can think of is me moving. The inevitable has came, our foreclosed on house is now owned by the bank. We are being paid to move out by the end of this month. I suppose everybody has a price, right?

I'm at a loss at the moment, couch surfing and random sleep overs will have to suffice for the time being until I figure out what I want to do. It's not the most desirable way to live but neither is paying too much for rent. OC has high rent rates so it's hard coming to terms paying $800 for a room. I'd like to stay in south county so I can limit my car use and ride my bike a lot more. Brian and I have been riding like crazy and it's definitely helped me become a better rider.

In June Brian, AJ, and I are going to be taking a trip to Greensboro North Carolina to visit our friends in Braveyoung and tag along with them for a string of shows across the east coast. It's been about 6 years since I've been there and I'm glad I'm finally going back after years of saying I would.

I have been writing my ass off for this new COG release and I will say it's different but stuff I like to and want to play. We have a split coming out soon, as soon as we record our side (procrastinating).

Ride, Run, Ride, Run, Run, Run, Ride, Run, Ride, Run...that's my week in a nutshell. You'd think I look like a model now but I don't because my eating habits are shit.

Fuck it.
Refused - Shape.../Songs...
Red House Painters - Bridge
Neurosis - Times Of Grace
Jesu - Conqueror
Have A Nice Life - Deathcounsciousness
Integrity - Systems Overload
OM - Conference Of The Birds
Amenra - II/III

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

looking back

As I wrote in my previous post, I've been writing a lot, just not on here.

I've been writing a lot of music (what else is new?)...I swear if for some reason I went deaf I would kill my self, there is no denying it. Music is everything to a counselor, as a healer, as inspiration, as an art form.
There are songs I listen to that remind me of the worst times in my life and it's nice to be able to listen to them and not actually feel how I was feeling then yet I find my self reminiscing about those dark times. I'm a masochist when it comes to making my self feel bad...I look at photos that make me nostalgic, listen to music, read what I wrote then, anything you can reopen wounds with I look's terrible yet it gives me some kind of closure until the next time I get curious.

It's a terrible feeling, to feel. I don't like it.

My mind has been so up and down lately, I don't know why. I've always been open about my mental disorders and I know it's not rare that people have bi polar or borderline disorder...but man, it fucking sucks. I don't know why I've been feeling like this...I take medication and I've noticed the difference up until feels like everything came crashing down on me. That might sound a bit over dramatic but it's true. I've been very irritable lately and I've taken it out on people that more or less don't deserve it...I suppose if they knew me well enough they'd know what to expect.

What the fuck am I talking about. I'm a pessimist. I've always been. I've been self aware since the age of 5. I've always been obsessed with dying and the romanticized idea of my death. Who'd miss me, who'd care, who'd laugh, who'd cry, who'd keep all my stuff, who'd throw it all away, who'd come to the funeral, what music would they play...I've always wanted to see it. I've always wanted to live my death and witness the aftermath. Technology hurry up and give me a fucking time machine.

That is all.

Friday, April 1, 2011

not enough

I've come to the conclusion recently that talking to people is both mentally and physically draining. There are certain people that I have a high tolerance for but it's fleeting. I'm starting to feel the need to write more, not in this though. I understand a blog on the internet is basically like posting for everyone to see but knowing people read it (and like it?) makes me feel self conscious about what I write.

All I've been doing recently is the same stuff I've been writing about...something needs to happen or I need to make something happen, rather.

I've recently purchased a couple of pedals/accessories to make my musical endeavors more interesting, we'll see how they pan out.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

stay in the shade

I don't have much to update about so I suppose I'll post about some music I've been listening to.

Have A Nice Life - I think this band is one of my favorite bands of the past couple of years. How can I even describe this band? I guess you can say Burning World (read a few posts below) was definitely inspired (aka got me off my ass to record songs) by this band. Think shoegaze mixed with some mild drum and bass, mixed with noise. The record is so depressing sounding and is a perfect mix of slow songs with mid paced songs. The songs themselves are not too complex but not too simple where they get boring or repetitive. The vocal melodies in the music are actually pretty, yes I used that word to describe a mans voice...but it is true. If you have not listened to, heard, or heard of these guys you are seriously fucking up.

Cold Cave - Now before I start this I want to say that I am personally not a fan of AN/GUTG/SG or anything else that Wes has been in, not that it's not good but they were personally not my thing. Cold Cave hits a soft spot in me, that soft 80's music spot that makes me want to dance in a club like in the second scene of American Psycho. I wasn't a fan of Cold Cave until I saw them live at FYF and they blew me away. Love Comes close was a great record and their new one is better, the songs are well put together, catchier, and more layered... and the lyrics are better. Solid new record.

Trap Them - Their new record kicked my ass. I wasn't too big on their last record "Seasons..." but this new record blew me away. This band has matured so well since they've started...although I must admit I'll be that guy and say that Sleepwell Deconstructor is my favorite record...this record comes in a close second to that. I remember when I was told that Ryan was in a new band and was shown the rough tracks of Sleepwell...I couldn't have been more stoked. I am a huge Backstabbers Inc. fan (the Kamikaze Missions record helped me get through my last years of high school) and hearing Ryan left right before the tour that 7gen played a show with them on was a bummer. I played drums at that show...I'm not even a drummer.

This Will Destroy You - I had always heard about this band but I never took the time to listen to them. I've listened to their new record about 10 times within the past week. It's good ambient noise to just zone out to. If you're a fan of that genre I suggest giving it a listen.

Swans - Swans was a band that I came into liking in about 11th or 12th grade (I read about them and M.Gira via Backstabbers Inc. liner notes) and they didn't really hit me until after I graduated. Filth was my first record I listened to that really hit me...really heavy riffs with angry yelling, not screaming but audible yelling. This band has been a huge inspiration on me since then, more specifically Michael Giras approach to his art and music and how it has affected my view on art and the way I create my music. I got to see them earlier this month and if I had not had the flu I would have been 100 times more stoked than I actually was. I got to watch Swans do their thing while sitting in a chair against the wall and it was still an amazing show.

Braveyoung - GOOD GOD. Their new record "We are lonely animals" is seriously phenomenal. I cannot stress enough that you should listen to this record. These guys are amazing friends and amazingly talented musicians. Buy and listen to their new record.

Notorious B.I.G. - Listening to 90's hip hop will always remind me of being a little kid and sneaking into my older brothers room to listen to his cassettes. Hip Hop was my first true love and I will always have a soft spot in my heart for it. Ready To Die is a solid god damn record.

Neurosis - Do I even need to say anything about this band? Every band you listen or have listened to is in one way or another inspired by this band. You are a moron if you do not like or appreciate what Neurosis has been doing for the past 20 years. Listen to Through Silver In Blood or Times of Grace and try to tell me that this band was not years beyond their time.

I have been listening to too much stuff, but this is all I want to write about care to remember at the moment.

I deleted Twitter, I deleted Instagram, I deleted every social networking profile I have. This will be my only connection to the internet...that way if people want to read this then they can, I don't care about reading about them on a news feed.

Fuck All

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

life in pictures

Here's some photos from the weekend...I miss these guys so much already.

Check out Braveyoungs album streaming on their page.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cousins of the anti-christ

I'm almost positive people read this more than the actual COG I'll post it here. We're playing 4 days with our friends braveyoung, from north carolina.

Thursday - San Francisco at the Sub-mission art space. (2183 Mission St)
Friday - Santa Cruz at 105 Pioneer Street.
Saturday - Santa Barbara at Foundation Press (5959 Hollister Ave).
Sunday - Fullerton at Riffhaus.

Come watch these guys and get blown away by their amazing talent.

I'm excited as hell to see these guys as I only get to see them about once every two years or so.

In the mean Chelsea Wolfe and go buy her record.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Reverb reverb reverb

I almost forgot...I put together what some would call a "demo" for Burning World. Here's an exclusive link to download it.

I've always been fascinated with low-fi recordings so I decided there's no point in me trying to put together the greatest quality collection. This material is layered with a lot of fuzz and reverb, simple, dark, and...again layered the way shoegaze should be.

Hope you like it...or not we'll see what comes of it.

life as i knew it

I realize that the nature of online blogging is a form of narcissism in its self, which is why I've kind of been neglecting writing (typing) in this for a while. With all the themed blogs about fashion, pseudo porn, and funny photos I wanted to avoid seeming like some kind of self aggrandizing idiot blogger that gets lost in the static.

Then I realized I do not give a single fuck.

Work has been going good. There's times like the one up above when I really love my job. I hate the monotonous nose, belly button, and lip piercings so when I get a chance to pierce someones tongue to a giant hole I jump at the chance of doing it. The shop has been consistent even though people are still losing their jobs and the economy is still in the gutter. I'm thankful I'm doing what I'm doing and am good at what I do (self aggrandizement).

Chens...greasy Chinese food that thankfully is catering to my dietary choices. Since I decided to go vegan it's been hard to find food that reminds me of growing up as a fat kid. Chens has been the talk of the house for a while now...this place is a bad influence on my life.

Speaking of which...this past week a couple of us decided to make an overnight drive to Vegas for donuts. We spent a total of 4 hours in Nevada only to come back and get to work at 9:30 in the morning. We gambled, some lost, some won, some won big. I think that little taste of winning has sparked a desire to gamble in me. Luckily the closest casino is not within a comfortable driving range.

That's about all I have on me right now. I don't do much which is why I don't write much. I've been watching a lot of documentaries focusing on Zionism and the whole Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I never had the biggest desire to learn about that situation up until recently and needless to say it is such a fucked and complex situation going on over there. I suppose my opinions on that subject can be expressed in another post.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Half sleeper

I've been waking up at odd hours of the night/early morning, surprisingly this has had little effect on my daily energy level. I've noticed that I have been waking up at 6:27 every morning...checking my phone and then falling back asleep until 7:13. In between that almost hour of sleep is when I have my dream(s), as if my mind saves them for that final finale. So here I am awake writing in this, hours before any of my daily obligations (besides work at noon, there are none).

I've been going on a lot of bike rides on my road bike...I've taken quite a few spills by no ones fault but my own. I think I have injured my self more riding my road bike more than I have injured my self skateboarding, playing football, riding bmx, or just being a little kid. That's besides the point, all my rides lately have been no less than 25 miles which isn't much by cycling standards but to a lot of people who don't ride bikes but it's definitely the minimum for me now. Living in Irvine I've noticed how Orange County has a lot to offer as far as different kinds of landscapes...I can ride my bike up and down pacific coast highway or I can ride my bike up the canyon and ride past a lake and trees (which I never knew were there). The only downside to cycling is that I have neglected running...which is not good for me because I enjoy the more strenuous exercise. I've yet to pick up swimming which is something that I need to do soon if I want to enter into a triathlon. Priorities...priorities.

Recently I have come to love my job. My hours have changed and so has my schedule which is good and bad, I work on the busiest days (more money) but I work the weekends...I'd rather do that then have to worry about money. So I guess life in that department has been good. I work 4 days and make more than friends with full time "legitimate" jobs. I'm grateful that in this shitty economy people still want to modify their bodies.

Now to my current musical endeavors:
I have been working my ass off on this new gloomgaze band that I've always wanted to start. Minimalist guitar, bass, and drum work but very atmospheric with atmospheric vocals. It's dark and droney but has a shoegaze influence in it as well. I've gotten tired of trying to figure out who can drum (or would want to drum) easy simple beats so I decided I should just figure out how to record drums via drum machine my self. I'm happy with the results. So far the only member of the band is my it's just a matter of putting together a rough demo and finding members. I decided I wanted to keep the SWANS theme going and name it Burning World...not sure when anything else will happen.

Children Of God: With the inception of BW, I have put COG and other projects on the back burner...I haven't really felt angry lately and I absolutely hate forced aggression...make it legitimate or don't make it at all. We should be headed into the studio to record new material for a split we're doing.

As I've said...I've been working on other projects so bands that don't play often (or at all) get little attention. VVegas will be putting out a 7inch and I'm not sure what The Mistake will be doing...I have music written for both...but again it's a matter of finding the time and getting peoples schedules to sync up. Time will tell.

I can't believe I forgot to mention that I got to see Neurosis a couple weeks ago. FUCK. I am kicking my own ass so hard for not going to see them when I had the chance years ago. This show was unreal though...I have never witnessed anything like it. I think everyone in the crowd legitimately wanted to be there and there was no tough guy "I'm too cool for this show" posturing going on. A bunch of old heads came out and got to see this band melt everyone's brains. Words cannot describe how mind blowing that show was.

That's all for now.