Monday, December 31, 2007

Day 5.

Yesterday we drove 10 straight hours to Seattle. It was a long drive, but we had a lot of time to hang out in Seattle. We expected a lot of snow along the way through Oregon. We had to stop once in Oregon for gas, there was snow along the road and around the gas station. Nothing too eventful happened on the drive up...except for the Separation dudes putting sour cream on our van wich was kind of disgusting, but whatever...we put shit on theirs. So we get to Seattle and we are not spared in this big city. We drove around for a long time looking for parking, I mean it was hard to find a parking for a 15 passanger van and a trailer. Then we got ourselves into the worst situation ever. We found a parking garage and decided to finally suck it up and pay for it...little did we know that the van wouldn't fit in the parking garage. So we had to back out of the garage...onto a busy city street, keep in mind none of us knew how to back up a van. It took 30 minutes to back that van out. During the process I told an old lady to go fuck herself because she was telling us to hurry up. She deserved it and was being snotty towards me. So we finally find a parking in an empty lot to park in. Finally after all that trouble, we reach cyber dogs. This is a staple of Seattle vegan eats for me. They have the biggest, and best chili cheese dogs ever. They also serve vegan tuna melts. I got a "California" which was a hot dog wrapped in bacon with cheese and onions. I also got a chili cheese dog.

Cyber dogs was a success. When we were done we headed to camp no where. Let me just say that driving in big citys with a van is horrible. Especially one way roads. We get to camp nowhere and it was the same old crusty place, just a collective of kids living together. The show started and the garage was way smaller than I remember. I broke another string, like I did the night before in Redding. The set was no fun at all. I really didn't enjoy it. I think I stoked myself out so much for Seattle that not even if we had an amazing show it would'ntve met my expectations. We did get a grip of free vegan donuts though. Last night I just went to sleep after we played. I wasn't feeling too good. I was annoyed with everything and everyone.

This morning I woke up to shit smeared all over our van windows. So we peed all over their handles and people contributed shit to smear. I'm done writing.

Life is a pigsty.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Day 4.

Lastnight I didn't update my blog cause I was too busy watching the Indecision dvd with everyone and eating awesome food.

Yesterday started off slow, everyone woke up at noon-1ish. I woke up at 9, freezing inside the van because I was way too tired to get up with all my stuff at 4 in the morning (when we arrived to redding after the show at harjits). So me and Kevan slept in the van and woke up at 9...which is considerably late for me. We walked into the house, where bodies were lying all over the floor and we just looked around. It was a punk house, so I wasn't expecting the nicest house in the world, but it definitely worked. I got in the shower and I could barely stand how hot the water was, the north definitely has their water down. We sat around for a good half an hour talking about random stuff, such as how cold it was (20 degrees) and I looked outside and it started snowing, it was a nice thing to see once again.

Anyway, we all got ready and we headed to a thai food place, it was pretty good, I would have rather eaten a burrito, but it was good. I didn't mind. At lunch I started talking to their one guitarist, Joey who is a smiths/morrissey fan as well. He does his hair and dresses very greaseresque. I enjoy him and his funny antics. I can see myself liking him a lot more in the future. It also helped that he complimented my song writing abilities with the new 7 generations songs. He said that the first time he heard apostasy that he got chills down his spine...that is very flattering.
After lunch we went back home and watched super bad. I couldn't sit through more than half of that movie, I've seen it too many times. So we waited for Nate to come back with the jumper cables because our van battery died (the people who drove last didn't unplug the tom tom and ipod charger) so we waited around until he came. After Nate came with the jumper cables we set out on a mission to buy chains for our van, do to the snow in Oregon. We searched all over, target, k mart (they aren't extinct, but they're dead), sports authority, and then finally we decided it was do or die at walmart. Walking out with 50 pound chains is a lot easier than it seems, and a lot scarier than anything I have ever done, but it had to be done, we were limited with money and I was also not going to support some shitty company like walmart. After that we headed to the local health food store to store up for the drive we had the next day. I got some almonds and dried mango and some fruit strips. While I was buying my snapple the girl who was working the cash register asked me if I was from around the town...and I asked what gave it away, she said "no one around here is that cultured"? I asked if she was into going to shows and tht she should come and she said shed be there. After that we headed back to the house because it was close to showtime. We all got packed up and dressed and were on our way. We got to the garage that the show was being held at it was very D.I.Y. and very muddy as well. After scoping it out we decided to pull the van around from the abandoned video store that we parked in front of, to unload. There was red mud everywhere do to the rain, I almost slipped a couple of times. We loaded in and watched the first band, they were liked a punk band that practices in their garage, they weren't bad. It was freezing inside the garage, you could see your breath inside of it, even with all those people inside. I was layered with gloves and a jacket and worried I wouldn't be able to play well do to my hands being so cold. After the first band, we were up. Setting up is tedious this tour, do to the excessive amount of equipment we have...but it's worth it. Last night was the first night we decided to use the red light as a backlight with all the other lights off. It was hard to see at first but my eyes got used to it. I was very not stoked about the set, for myself. I broke a string during the second to last I decided against restringing and playing and sat the rest of the set out. After us went the separation, they just get better and better each day...I'm really starting to like those guys as a band and as people (I've known their singer Ben for quite sometime), but I meant the rest of the band. After the separation Bens brothers metal band was alright, not really my thing, but it wasn't unbearable. After the show we headed back to the house and sat around watching the indecision dvd. The girls (who's names escape me at the moment) cooked awesome carrots and walnuts, and awesome chicken style seitan. Then nate came home and made his signature mac&chreese. It was good. After being fed and was full me and Ben decided to hit the sack, cause we had to wake up at 5 today. And now here I am, in the van writing this at 6 a.m. In the van on the way to seattle. I said my goodbyes to people I wasn't going to see again and got in the van. We got situated and headed for the gas the gas station, thomas, bryan, eric and I took apart oreos and smeared them all over the separations van...I made sure to get the drivers side window.

I think that's a decent wrap up of the day. I'm assuming no one will read this tour journal...but whatever. I'm going to try and fall asleep listening to new order.

Alone forever,

Friday, December 28, 2007

Day 3.

Right now I'm laying down in the loft of the van, listening to Isis. Today was a pretty good day. I woke up early and Kevan, Eric, and I went grocery shopping. It was a near humbling experience, but it was worth it. I got a call from my mom crying, telling me that they took my brother away to jail. I calmed her down though, I explained to her that we both knew it was going to happen eventually...and maybe that it might straighten him out. I don't believe in the social justice system at all....however in this case I do believe that it might humble my brother...if not just erase his warrents. Anyway, that was hard to deal with. Knowing my mom is so sad about the situation with my brother and me being far from home. But life must go on, unfortunately.

We got home and waited for everyone to get ready. The girl who's house we stayed at told us to come to her work so she can hook us up with food. On tour you have to eat every chance you get, you never know when you're going to eat next. Anyway, on our way over to San jose we decide to start a nice friendly van war. So I told Eric to go put Orange juice on their windshield, which he did. We knew very well what we were getting our selves into, but we decided to persue the mission anyway. They quickly retaliated with vitamin water on our windshield. That wasn't so bad. So on our way to san jose we were discussing our plans for future attacks, and immediately the idea of shitting on their van came up, I was all for it but we decided it was wayy to soon so we didn't attack them. So anway, we all pull into the parking lot and every thing is fine, then they decided to throw fire works at my feet, which I can take. I didn't mind it. So we all went into good karma, I didn't get anything. People just gave me their left overs..and that was satisfying enough. Then I decide to get revenge by leaving before everybody and going into our van and getting my day old eggless egg salad and flat bread and putting it on their windshield and smushing it around. It worked, smelled disgusting and looked gross. But we were stuck in the lot so they took the bread with the left over salad and put it all over our windshield. I immediately backfired with a coke all over their windshield. Then I declared it was time to take it to the next level. I told our roadie bryan to shit in a bag and throw it at their van. Everyone disagreed, but I strongly pushed for it. So he decided to do it. Everyone was gagging and eric was hanging out the window dry heaving as he was driving so he made me switch to the drivers seat. So we pull over next to them...and eric is in the passengers seat on the verge of vomiting..and their bassist harry comes up and asks what's wrong, we were all laughing and just said nothing. So he goes back to their van, I don't know why they were just sitting waiting there...but Bryan decided it was time. He ran out the van with shit in his hand and wiped it literally all over the side of the van...the look of everyones face, in disgust was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. They couldn't believe what was happening to their van. Bryan took it even futher and threw the reminants of the feces into their van. It hit their roadie jack in the face and he came out with fecal matter on his face. It was possibly one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed in my entire life. They ran out of the van with hummus in hand and threw it all over the van, we didn't care. We were too busy laughing, because anything they did was nothing compared to what we did. They drove off, and we followed. We stopped at a gas stationg where they cleaned up the shit on the side of their van...and we layed some ground rules down. As soon as they were set we parted ways and headed towards oakland for the show. We got to oakland in I'd say in 2 hours. We got to Harjits house and me and kevan wanted to go to AK press, so harjit took us. We got to the warehouse and I was overwhelmed by how many books were many I wanted. But I didn't really want to buy any books. Anyway, we go back to the house and hang around until show time. Harjit showed us the guitar that Far used during "water & solutions", it was definitely a highlight of my hardcore career. Anyway, motherspeed started the show and dukes up played, I'm glad they do what they do. Luis and all those guys are very nice and I enjoy seeing them when I do. The separation played before us and what can I say? They're all good guys and nice dudes, and they are heavy as hell live. I'm glad I get to spend 6 more days with those guys. We headlined, and I thought it was a fun set, except I broke a string...but whatever. We were loud so I didn't care. So after the show we loaded up and now I'm here in the van writing this long, boring entry as everyones inside lane splitters, a pizza place that has vegan friendly pizza. I've been around people too much today. So I'm hanging in the van. Tonight we're driving to Redding, where the Separation is from. Its about a 3 hour drive, and I think I'm just going to sleep the whole way. Tomorrow should be filled with more fun. But then again, I'm I doubt it can be that much fun.

That's all, my hands hurt from typing.

Truly mine,

Day 2.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 and just stared outside the window until I finally got the courage to get up and go take a shower. I don't like bothering people when they sleep, or making noise, a lot of people flip out if you wake them up, I don't. I don't mind if people wake me up. If I'm really tired then I'll just sleep, if I'm not then I'll stay awake. Anyway, we all got our selves together. That took about an hour and a half. We left for a grocery store and hardware store so we can get a lock for the trailor. We went to home depot and I decided to get a lock. Then we realized the lights weren't working on the trailor, but we decided we didn't care. So we got driving for an hour and we stopped to get gas, luckily there was a hardware store next to the gas station so I went in and got wires for the trailor. We spent like 45 minutes fixing that whole thing. Then finally we were off to Santa Cruz. The drive to be way longer than I remembered, that was probably because the driver at the time was slow. We made it to santa cruz at 3:30. We went to the record store and everyone got some records. I decided against it. We went to saturn and got vegan shakes, I asked for a vanilla and they gave me Chocolate, I wasn't satisfied. We walked to the boardwalk that happened to be closed and then we walked to the lost boys bridge, which wasn't exciting either. Santa Cruz is dead during the winter, but I love it anyway. The show was small. We played with a band called deers or deer or whateverand they sounded like I hate myself. Ben from the separation is an amazing dude. I'm excited to be spending my week with him. Right now I'm laying in my little nook up in pryesh's room and its nice to be away from everybody although I can hear everything. Everyone took a group photo with their shirts off and in their underwear. I didn't feel comfortable doing it, so I didn't. Everyone called me a party pooper, I agree. I am the worst.

Sincerely mine,

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Day 1.

I woke up this morning at 5:45 and started getting ready to leave on this "adventure" of 9 days. I met up with Nicholas at the storage place, my dad dropped me off. I wonder what he thinks about this, me leaving my job and all my responsibilites behind to play to a couple of kids in a small room and run myself into dept. It sounds terrible but I always look back on tour as times that I was glad to be out on the road and not in my house, or stuck in a redundent routine of work...and well, nothing else. I've side tracked too much...

Anyway, we ended up in Santa Barbara 30 minutes before the show started. There was a small turn out, but I expected it. The show was o.k. A few good friends, a few randoms. We played out of full stacks and it was destruction supreme on peoples ears. After the show we went to some 24 hour burrito place. I didn't get anything cause I didn't want to spend money till seattle. Tomorrow we go to Santa Cruz, we're playing a free show at a small cafe that's actually a house.

Sunday, December 2, 2007


Meant to let you down.

Sunday, November 25, 2007


7 Generations practiced today and it we finally tied up two loose ends that we've been needing to tie up for a long time. We have one more song to finish and we are done writing. We are all excited on the outcome of this record and I can't wait to finally play shows again and tour.

This week I'm going to ask if I can get 2 weeks off to go on tour with our guitarist Kevans band, Restrained. 2 weeks up the west coast and back down. I hope all ends well and I hope I can go and get out of here and clear my head for a while.

As for 7 Generations, we discussed a touring schedule tonight and it looks a little something like this...

Spring - 1 week west coast tour.
Summer - Fly to the east coast for 2 weeks and tour with Verse.
Winter - Full U.S. tour for one month or so.

Just discussing those possibilities was exciting for me. I can't wait for this record to be out. I can't wait to tour. I can't wait to die.

Life is still a pigsty.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


7 generations hasn't practiced in two weeks and i've been wanting to just get into the studio and record. i want to play shows. it's all that i have at this moment, and sadly it isn't much. through-out the days i get glimpses of hope that maybe things will pan out in the end, for everyone. everyone except the ones in the executive chairs of every multinational in this world. i've been reading again and it's given me hope for a better world...hope can only do so much in these days though. these little glimpses of hope i was referencing earlier always tend to be a precursor to something bad happening.

how did I know it was going to turn out like this? it always does. i hope you read this because i told you it was going to happen, exactly like i said it was going to happen.

"i'll never learn" - Steven Patrick Morrissey.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


i feel like i am just a finite object that everyone has in their life just once, and once it's over, it's over. when am i going to be infinite with people? am i going to stay in the same place while everyone is moving ahead or back? i just want to move a little, back or forward, enough to know that i'm not stuck. i'm tired of the small town dreams of getting out, of getting ahead. where does everyone want to go when they say they want to get ahead? do they want a secure future? do they want a 4 bedroom house with a nice picket fence? do they want...children? i dont want to be like my parents, i don't want to be like my siblings. stuck. i am a ghost, an illusion. i am yesterdays dream in todays sad, pathetic, and lonely reality.

"I am a ghost and as far as I know, I haven't even died." - Steven Patrick Morrissey

Saturday, October 27, 2007

the good times will kill you.

the weather today is something i should truly be happy about. its overcast and cloudy as hell. i need to stop listening to mirah, she's just too good. i woke up really tired today with no clue where i was...after a few seconds of getting my head straight i realized i was in my bed, at home. were all going to hell.

Friday, October 26, 2007


today is the day you realize that you have become something you've always hated. someone who just spends his whole time working, forgetting to live, forgetting to see, touch, feel, or hear. i've not had a day like this since my junior year in highschool. pieces of plastic have never made me so excited...60 dollars later and my path to record buying has been uncovered. im still waiting for that day when money is no longer an issue and i can buy all the records i've ever dreamed of. eternal bliss.

one more song. one more month, i'm giving myself one more month.

ive come to the conclusion that i hate myself. i truly do. i need to learn how to actually control myself. what am i talking about? why am i talking about it on here?

i am back.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


Please kiss me, one last time. This is the end of my life.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


I still feel empty.

Time doesn't heal. It just swallows memories.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


I'd like to start this post off by saying that it's late and I'm tired. So don't hold me fully accountable for this post do to my lack of sleep and the thoughts that go on in my head this late at night.

I'm back home. This will be the last 2 weeks in my house that I have lived in for many, many years. I decided that it is time for me to move out. I will be moving in with my good friend Chris and Tim. They are located about 4 miles away from my house. My mom is kind of pulling the typical mom thing where she doesn't want to let go of her baby boy. But she knows that it's not only something I want, but it's something I need. I don't think I can spend another year in this house hold. With my brother and sister and their kids living here, it is just not something I want. I am hoping to start apprenticing to be a piercer by the end of this week. I hope everything works out. My mom said she'd help me get on my feet, which I am very happy she is willing to help, cause I do need it. I think moving out is a big step that I need to take. I am still signed up for school and if piercing doesn't really work out then I will attend it. I figured that the only reason as to why I would be going to school is to attain some sort of degree to have a career. But if I can pierce, then I want that to be my career. I really couldn't see myself doing anything else. I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, but honestly, who's going to hire me? I have tattoos (and still want more) and stretched ears. Reality always seems to hit me so hard when it finally does. So piercing is my main goal right now.

I will more than likely see my mom everyday still, do to how close the house is. This summer I will either be working or apprenticing and hanging out. I should be getting my bike tomorrow, which I am excited about. That will be my main form of transportation this summer. I've been riding fixed gear a good amount recently and have grown comfortable and actually prefer to ride fixed gear more than free wheel bikes. In my opinion I feel faster and more in control of everything I do. I have almost everything I need and want. Orange County is a very hilly place, but I like the challenge. It will take some getting used to still...but I have all summer to learn. I'm also very stressed about writing our full length, we want to have it done by the end of summer and start of fall...musically that is. It seems somewhat realistic. But if I'm going to have a job or whatever it's going to be hard. But at the same time it might drive me to write more emotional music. I dislike the idea of jobs so much. I'd much rather be hanging out with friends or alone but I know that that's never going to happen. I'd much rather be doing something I'm interested in then working some dead end job just to get by paying rent. But yeah, writing right now feels difficult for me. I hope we have a good portion done by fall.

I've lost the desire to write. I'm too tired now.


Friday, June 15, 2007


I woke up in a really horrible mood today for some reason and I really can't explain it. It seems as though no matter what I have, I will always be mad at something. I'm in Santa Cruz right now and this stay has been a lot different from the last one. It's been good at some points and bad at others, kind of like the last one. I've been staying with my friend Luis (who has been nothing short of amazing on my stay here) at some house with a bunch of girls who party. His room is under the stairs and it's kind of funny that he lives here because he can't really relate to any of these people. I don't think I'd be able to do that. I hardly know these girls and I dislike them, just seeing them around and hearing their annoying voices talking about "going out tonight" or going to bars or parties. It's ridiculous. I hope I'm making them as uncomfortable as they make me. One of them JUST walked down and asked "hey, we were kind of wondering what your deal is here..." and I told them I'm doing "business for a friend wo used to live here, don't worry about it". It's funny that one of them would come down and ask me that kind of thing when I'm just lounging around. It's not like I'm eating their food or drinking their drinks (which they don't have) or anything else of theirs. Maybe I am using their soap in the shower, but who cares. Either way, this stay has been weird and I don't know what to think of it. For the first time in a long time I actually want to go home. Not to say that I don't enjoy peoples company, I just don't think I was ready to come back so soon. I have ther things to wirte about but I don't feel like writing down all my personal relationship thingy's on an online journal.

"I just can't find my place in this world."

Thursday, May 24, 2007


My attempts to document my feelings have failed miserably. Whenever I think about writing in this, I don't. When I feel like writing, I feel like it's boring. Then again, I'm not writing for anybody else, just myself. Even I get bored at times.

This past week was awesome. It was 7 Gens first time playing in a couple months and I was excited to show the new songs to everybody. We all got very very good feed back and it definitely put me in an up mood about writing more. A good hand full of people told us that it was the best line up 7 gen's ever had and it's very fulfilling to know that I'm part of that line up. It's also very fulfilling to know that people like the songs I wrote and can't wait to hear more. I like the feeling of playing live shows, it's so cliche to say but, nothing beats that feeling, at least for me. It was also my first time playing live with my new guitar, it sounds amazing, feels amazing, looks amazing. I couldn't have been happier. Now it's covered in blood and sweat, and it still looks good. I sound like a nerd, but trust me, I've heard more nerdary come out of Nicholas' mouth about guitars than I'll ever know how to put into words.

This past week also brought us our good friends in Risen, I've met Kent and Kurt before. But the others I didn't but it was good meeting all of them and hanging out with them. They brought a game called "logging" to California. It's basically a simple task of putting a piece of folded up paper (hot dog style) onto someones shoulder, to see how long it will be on there. The paper usually has the person who completed the tasks name and sometimes even has the time it was put on. There is no point system, it is just a game that makes people look like idiots with stuff on their shoulders. I swear, after almost every show there was a bunch of logs on the floor. I'm not sure if it's a very eco-friendly game. Either way, the hilarity that ensued those nights at the shows was worth it...maybe. Risen even made a song about logging, the game. Hopefully it doesn't die down. Anyway, back to the point...those guys' are awesome. I love seeing them live and I love spending time with them. I hope they come out here again, or we go over there...I remember liking Indiana when I was there. Especially where Kurt lives, it's a nice little place.

Summer's almost here and I'm torn because I think I might need to get a job. This time I'm applying at skate shops so I can just hang out all day. I hope it works out. I really want to get a job at a piercing shop...Cary, if you're reading this, you know what to do. Either way, I want money, guitar equipment, and more tattoos. I hope I can do something about all three of those by the time summer is over.

There's so many other things I can write about but I don't have the desire. Last week was pretty good. This week sucks because it isn't last week.

"Yes I am blind, no I can't see the good things, just the bad things."


Thursday, May 17, 2007


Reflecting from my deathbed
I'm balancing life's riches
against the ditches
and the flat gray years in-between
all I can see are the never-laid
that's the never played symphonies

I can't see those who tried to love me
or those who felt they understood me
and I can't see those who
very patiently put up with me
All I can see are the never-laid
or the never played symphonies

You were one, you meant to be one
and you jumped into my face
and laughed and kissed me on the cheek
and then were gone forever
not quite

Black sky in the daytime
and I don't much mind dying
when there is nothing left to care for anymore
just the never layed
the never played symphonies

you were one, you knew you were one
and you slid right through my fingers
no not literally
but metaphorically
and now you're all I see
as the light fades

Wednesday, May 9, 2007


On Saturday night I found out that a person I knew committed suicide. He was 27 years old with a wife and I think 2 kids. When I first heard the news I was kind of taken back but the feeling of amazement was quickly suppressed by the events that were going on at the time (I was at Earth Crisis). It didn't really hit me until yesterday when I stepped into the gym and saw everyone depressed. At the end of class they called everyone into the room and announced what had happened and when the services were going to be and where they'd be held. As I was walking out I saw my teacher with his head down in his hands crying his eyes out, locked in his office. That's what truly hit me. I never thought I'd see him cry like that, ever. It hit me again for a second time when I realized how much this has effected his brother, my barber. I feel terrible for him. And I can only imagine how terrible the rest of his family feels. I don't know if I will attend the services being held. I can't imagine seeing a bunch of my tough guy friends, cry for hours. It's so strange to see how someones life can be almost perfect from the outside, but on the inside it's a complete mess. He was an extremely talented fighter, had his own gym that made him money, had a marriage, kids, almost everything. That's just what it seemed like from the outside though.

Uh, subject change. I'm sitting outside because I get better wireless reception here. It's hot in my room, so this feels very good to have a constant feeling of coolness. So many things on my mind. The past, the present, the future. Life in general. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing with my life. At the same time, I know what I want to do. Play music, have my own house, and tour. I don't want a job. I don't really want to go to school, but I'd rather go to school than have a job...for the time being. I'm done for tonight.

"Nobody knows what human life is."

Playlist for the day:

Adamantium - From the Depths of Depression.
Minus the Bear - Highly Refined Pirates.
Trap Them - Sleep Well Deconstructor.
Unbroken - life. love. regret.


Friday, May 4, 2007


It's 11 P.M. on a Friday night. I'm always asked what I'm doing inside. Well to be honest, I don't do anything. But I'm sure it's better than what most kids my age are doing. This is my 6th year being straightedge and it's only gotten better. I have noticed too many people in my life have ruined their lives by allowing themselves to become consumed by a lifestyle of partying, drinking, doing drugs, having promiscuous sex. It's truly a sad thing.

I just want to make music, to be honest. If it means I have to have a day job, then so be it. Just let me be a depressing musician that makes others depressed with my music. I just want to tour, be in a band (hardcore or emo) and tour the country. Anything to get away. I've been writing emo songs and I want to find musicians that want to be depressing with me. Preferably sober and vegan ones.

I'm currently listening to the song "Shallow Like Your Breath" by "Elliott". Seriously, such an amazing song/band. I noticed, as much as I listen to Hardcore, I listen to Emo the same amount, if not more. I used to hate "emo" when I was younger. That was when I was in my "I'm too hardcore for everything" stage, though. Ugh, I was missing out. At the same time, I don't think I could relate to the music as well as I can now. Kind of off subject, but it could kind of relate to the subject...I find it so weird that people are starting to be attracted to me (definitely not bragging). I mean, I'm just not used to it. It's nice though. I just think, no matter what people say, I'll always not be good enough for my own good. I still look in the mirror in disgust at times. I've got issues, and I've been trying to change that, but I think I've come to the conclusion that my issue is that I'll always feel like I can be better...if that makes sense. I don't know. Life is so confusing at times.

I went to go and see if I was qualified for financial aid for college today, and I am eligible. I'm happy because I don't want my parents to pay for anything. I'm going to start going to school in the Fall. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing with myself. Is it even possible for me to become a teacher of sorts? Or even a counselor? Who knows. It's possible I suppose, I just don't know if I could.

This post is so weird and confusing but it's exactly my thoughts at this moment.

I've been thinking about people from my past and sometimes I feel this feeling of regret or sadness because things aren't like they were back then. But then I realize that they're probably better off without me in their life or vise versa.

"down here we're caught under the waste of our dilutions that fell among the quake. help me try to understand the great diversion that came and tore us down. lean onto me, lean into you. comfort i once knew slowly disappears. reverberate, shaking at the core. holding up your own by letting go our grasp. don't say a thing, don't move a word. shallow like your breath you hold while you're under these lights that bury you. we claw and mark like animals, they show the scars we hide too well. notice you're awake dreaming while you walk. halls we create are closing in on us. you're tired so let's turn the lights out. you're tired so let's shut it off. it's time to count all the victims that were caught in our last explosion. we are the couple called suicide. we are the red cross white flag. you're tired so let's turn the lights out, you're tired so let's shut it off. "

That is all,

Wednesday, May 2, 2007


I spent the past week up north in Santa Cruz. I have come to the conclusion that I want to move there, eventually. Unless things change drastically down here, I will move to Santa Cruz once 7 Generations is done. I'm sure some friends will be heart broken, but I don't think I can live here much longer. The day I came back I was stressed out, again. The previous whole week I was completely fine. It was truly an awesome experience. I left via Greyhound, early Saturday morning and made it into town at noon. The bus ride up was interesting, considering I was in a bus full of a bunch of randoms on a really long trip. It's not something I've done, or am used to. We had a layover in San Jose that was like 2 hours long which we spent playing Tekken 5. I really need to work on my skills on that game, I used to be really good when I was younger.

While I was in Santa Cruz I walked to the Wharf everyday (everyone calls it the wharf...I called it the pier) and looked out into the Pacific Ocean. I did that almost every morning. It was just nice to get away and have some alone time. I spent most of my days with friends, eating free food, listening to music on the porch, walking around town, and other things. I noticed that I am very different from most of the vegan straightedge kids up there. It's funny to see that we are all involved in the same things, but we look the exact opposite. Although I will admit, most of those kids are more involved than I am. I just have a really big problem with being social in those kind of settings. I love and hate the sense of community that the town house. I think the part of me that hates it is the "I'm so used to being in my room, mind your own business" part of me. Either way, I love all of my friends up there. I can't wait to go back in 3 weeks.

There's so much other stuff I can write but I don't think this is the time or place to discuss this. I'll end this

"The world is full of crashing bores."

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


So I decided that my job isn't working out and I put in my...3 day notice yesterday. Tomorrow's my last day. As much as I'm excited to quit working I am not happy. At the same time I am, I am going to start going to school. I'm pretty sure I want to get my credentials to become a elementary school teacher. The idea of taking graphic design classes popped around in my head but I think it's about time I start to think about my "future". I like working with kids and if I ever got the urge to I would want to be a counselor for children. I think I should take small steps first. My aunt was an elementary school teacher, so she can give me advice on how to go about going to school for that.

Yesterday, as I was clocking out this little girls mom came up to me and told me she was sad about me leaving. We started talking about what I'm going to do in the future and all that stuff...and then we talked about her past and then she asked me if my tattoo was a reference to Morrissey and I almost cried. I was so excited and then we started talking about Morrissey and The Smiths. She then somehow brought up straightedge and I got even more excited. It was awesome. I guess she was into punk and stuff when she was younger. Sadly she isn't that into The Smiths anymore but it was nice talking to someone that old about stuff like that. Especially someone totally random and someone who I'd never expect to be like that.

It just hit me that I doubt people read this...and I feel like I'm talking to myself. I know a very select few read this. I don't really post so others can read. I post for my own enjoyment, I suppose.

On another note, the possibility of me moving has become a reality again. It kind of sucks, but for some reason now I'm semi ok with it. I have ways of getting around. I still don't know if I'm going to move with my parents or try and find a place here. I like it here, but at the same time I feel like I need something new for awhile.

Santa Barbara this weekend. I'm kind of excited to see some friends and go to a show. I haven't been to a show in months, it's kind of depressing. I'm also excited to sit in a car for a long time, I like doing that. I want to tour. Technically in May we're doing a short weekend tour. Santa Cruz on Saturday and Gilman on Sunday. Those should be a couple fun shows. I hope all goes well.

I don't think I'm going to make a playlist, cause really all I've been listening to since Monday is Minus The Bear and Jets to Brazil.

"The lowlife has lost its appeal."


Monday, April 16, 2007


I've got to get out of this place. So cliché, but so true. There's nothing here for me, and there's never been, but it's taken me 16 years (now 18) to realize this. You can't really live till you know what you're worth, and I want something bigger, better, anything but this place. My life begins when I take my first step out of this town. It's not just a pipe dream this time, I'm just gonna break free this time. Don't wait up. I'll turn the lights out when I leave, because I don't think I'll be back.

Saturday, April 7, 2007


"Kid, I've lived through others. I made myself so small.
I lived through a record one summer, last fall.
The singer said something I could only feel,
I saw him this morning, he still looked real, real.

God I need him here tonight.
I just know he'd get this right."

Those lyrics aren't from the same album, but seriously this album is the soundtrack to the past six months of my life. Orange Rhyming Dictionary and this are on the list of some of my favorite records of all time. Anyone who hasn't heard this band or any of Blakes other bands (Jawbreaker) I highly suggest you take a listen. I cannot stop listening to any of this mans music.

The good life is out there, somewhere.



Last night after I made my blog I went running. It felt good, considering I ate horrible yesterday. I don't even want to say what I ate because it makes me sick thinking about it. Anyway, the feeling of refreshment was quickly taken away after I went to loco and I knew I was doomed. Every time I'm there, no matter what I've eaten I will eat. Loco has slowly become one of my all time favorite places to eat, only at night time though. I can only eat it during the day with certain people, other then that night time only. That's when everything is at its prime. Anyway, I went to meet up with old faces that I've been hiding from for the past 4+ months. Everyone was surprised to see me, considering I gave them all the could shoulder. But I wasn't there to make amends with all of them. Only one. I think it was the first time I went out of my way to do that for someone. Reasons as to what happened between us will not be posted, but lets just say it is one of the biggest regrets in my life...I say that about everything. Anyway, time went by fast and it was kind of nice to see old faces. They are much different from when we all used to be younger and going to shows together and stuff. Now I'm the only one who is still really involved in anything. Things change though. Time went by fast, we went back to an old friends house to catch up and stuff and by the time I knew it, it was 2 A.M. I needed to sleep due to my early start yesterday. I really don't know the point of this blog. I got a hair cut today, watched the Earth Crisis VHS and did really nothing. Sometimes my life is feels so unorganized that it feels routine. I need out. South County is a good place, I think I need some change for awhile.

Playlist for today/yesterday:
Jawbreaker - Dear You.
Jets to Brazil - Orange Rhyming Dictionary.
Found Dead Hanging - 5 Song Demo.
Morrissey - Ringleader of The Tormentors.
The Smiths - The Smiths.
The Misfits - Static Age.
Embrace - Embrace.

Friday, April 6, 2007


After a year of being told to purchase this book, I finally stole it. Punk, I know. I realized that it was about time to attain this knowledge myself, rather than hear it from other people. I have highlighted so much, and I just finished the first chapter. I hope this book doesn't give me nightmares, I've had one too many Zombie Apocalypse dreams. I think I might make a pamphlet out of it and distribute it at shows. Anyone who considers themselves an activist should read this book in its entirety, but I know how some people are.

Oh yeah, life so far. It's been decent. I woke up early today for work, thinking I was going to get paid but ended up finding out I don't get paid till the 10th. Fuck that. I'm going to try and get a job at our practice space...I blew it last time. Whatever. This day has seemed so long since I woke up went to work and got out at noon. It's awesome/kind of ridiculous. I should be running right now. I just realized this as I was typing this blog. I might go run actually. Who knows. I'm done writing for right now. Maybe later tonight.

I am desirable, but not wanted.

- xadrianx

Monday, April 2, 2007


I just got back from watching the season finale of "I Love New York" at Chris's house. That show was so depressing and uplifting at the same time. Now I know most "reality" T.V. shows are scripted, but at the same time these shows are a perfect example of how incredibly pathetic our society is. You have 12 grown men searching for love and 1 woman who is searching for the same kind of love within one of those 12 guys. This woman is made out to be the two main images that society has put on woman. Which is the moody, nagging, loud-mouthed woman that emasculate guys do not like to be told off by, then they portray her as a sex object that gets off to the touch of any guy that lays a finger on her. It's quite sad. They make her out to be a person who has very little intellect and the very little intellect she does have is about sex or what she wants in bed. Then you have the "typical" guys who drink for fun or "to be social" but end up getting overly dramatic and start breaking things because one person says one thing to make them mad. I can't believe I watched the whole season. It was more of an ironic thing more than it was a "I'm really interested in this show" thing. I think shows like these just reinforce my hatred for the way people live their lives. But as many fence riders say, "to each their own". Anyway, that's that. I think I think about things like this because it keeps me from thinking about the problems going on in my life (I don't have many).

Anyway, tonight while at Loco the topic of The Zombie Apocalypse came up. I'd like to think Chris is very well rounded in the spectrum of Zombie pre-Zombie apocalypse preparation. He has a very good memory, especially when it comes to reading about such things and forming arguments for or against things. Anyway, if it isn't clear, I'd like to go on record and say that 7 Generations is a for the most part (I'll go into this) an anti-zombie band. We do however support zombie ism for a short period of time. Let's face it, this world is over populated. And to steal Chris' theory here...The Zombie Apocalypse would be natures response to the stress we are putting on it. It will be it's form of cleansing. Which I will fully back. The plan is to let zombies destroy civilization...then when civilization is finally reaching its end we go the extra mile and kill the zombies. We can not have a world ran by zombies. It's scientifically impossible. Zombies "life" expectancy is from 4-5 years. So we hide out for a couple years, let the zombies do their work and finally when the numbers are slim, we kill them all (this time for good.) Crimethinc. Kids who are reading this are probably getting really excited right now. It's a flawless plan...we just have to be patient. As it is, we have a zombie apocalypse hide out planned and everything. We also have one for up north. The details as to where these places are will not be discussed on a public blog. Let's just say we are ready. Also, the topic of Veganism also came up in the post/zombie apocalypse discussion. I'm also going to have to agree with Chris that when a vegan diet no longer is sustainable it is fair game to drop it. Veganism is a direct response to this civilization. Zombies will be destroying civilization. I'm not saying once it starts it's fair game to start eating meat, etc. etc. I'm saying that when I no longer can live a vegan lifestyle during the apocalypse I will have to turn my back on the animals. Anyone who says otherwise is lying and will die a slow and painful death. They will be to weak to run from said zombies, due to the hunger pains and they will be zombified. I will not be happy, but like any native culture I'm going to have to try to survive using my resources. Now this is all within the premise that animals will be surviving in the zombie apocalypse. If there were ever to be some kind of mutation of the zombie virus that can somehow work with animals, we'd be in big trouble.

I think this is probably one of the most unintelligent rants ever posted on the world wide web. What do you want from me though? I can't help but lose myself in an idealistic mind.

I'm sitting here listening to The Misfits. I remember my first "concert" I ever played was a handful of Misfits songs in my 8th grade English class. My English teacher was in a band and he had full stacks and all that stuff in his classroom. He also used to have concerts in his class at lunch. It was just him playing his bands music to a bunch of 8th graders. It was pretty cool. We used to play to The Misfits, Minor Threat, Nirvana, Slayer, Metallica, everything. Oh, 8th grade. I don't miss you that much. Lately I've been really into Morrissey's "You Are The Quarry" B-Sides. That is where I got the title of this online blog from "The Never Played Symphonies". Truly a great song. I think my favorite B-Side from that record is either "I Am Two People" or "My Life Is An Endless Succession Of People Saying Goodbye". Typical of me, I know. I sometimes wish there was someone I can share weird rants with like I just posted above. Bailey said I need a girlfriend, so many people tell me that. I don't think I NEED one. I once wanted one, but as the saying goes, "things fall apart". Nobody knows what human life is.

Today at work this kid named Jose came up to me and started talking to me about the movie "Dangerous Minds". I remember that movie came out at about the time I was his age. It's so weird to say that. But it's true. I remember when that movie caused some controversy. I wasn't allowed to watch that movie. That's besides the point of this section. I just think it's weird to see this boy (who is a little older than I was when I was introduced to this environment) going through the same things I went through at around that age. I was introduced to a lot of bad things at a very young age. Growing up in a family that was into gangs, drugs, etc. It's ironic, but not very ironic that I am the offspring of an environment such as that. I just hope this kid or any of the kids I'm working with turn into the kind of people all my old friends turned into. Today I saw my very old friends letter from Prison that he wrote to my brother. It's kind of depressing to think that the kid I used to spend days and nights skating with is now a rapist/pedophile. It's very strange to see where the two completely different paths we both took have led us. Anyways, I make sure that these kids don't get to out of hand. I let them cuss and stuff because I think suppressing that will just make them even more rebellious. It made me rebellious. I just make sure they respect women and other people. When I hear them say the word "bitch, slut, or gay" I make sure to tell them how serious those words are. They kind of shrug it off, but I hope in some way, shape, or form I get it through there head that those words aren't just words. They are a mentality that I despise so much. Ugh. I've suddenly lost the desire to write. I think I'm going to go put some headphones on. I've said too much, yet made such little sense.

Life is a pigsty.


P.S. Playlist for the day:

Giant - Song EP.
Jawbreaker - Dear You.
Morrissey - You Are The Quarry B-Sides.
The Misfits - Static Age, Collection I, Collection II.
Unbroken - life. love. regret.


Practice went ok tonight. The Guitar head I was using was annoying me though. It would turn down all of a sudden, by itself. Then when I'd set it to a higher volume setting, it would turn up by itself. That's not what is important though. I'm mainly writing to get my mind off of things. We have two new songs down, musically. We need to put lyrics to them. I think those will be the ones we will be playing at our May shows. I don't know how people are going to take to these songs. I don't think anyone knows. I guess we will see when we play them. I'm excited for this week. I ordered a Morrissey shirt that has a nice picture of him on the front with his name going down the side of the picture and on the back it has the lyrics "All I ask of you is one thing that you never do, would you put your arms around me? I won't tell anybody" from the song "Tomorrow". It will definitely be worn to one of our May shows. Also this week I will finally be getting my new Gibson Les Paul. I am so very excited. It was originally going to be a Christmas present but I told my mom never mind, that I'd just buy it. My mom has helped me and continues to help me so much with my music. The least I could do is get a job and pay for my 800 dollar guitar. I need to start saving up for a guitar head though, I'm in dire need of one. I have a guitar cab, but what good is a cab if you don't have a guitar head? Kind of useless. Luckily I have people that let me use their heads. I also think this weekend I will be going to the tattoo shop to get my chest piece drawn up. I'm kind of nervous to get that done, I hate being without a shirt in a public setting, let alone with someone I barely know. Although I'm sure my tattoo artist won't be staring at me, examining my every flaw, he'll be busy tattooing my chest. I'm also nervous because I'm afraid it's going to hurt. My neck didn't hurt that bad. The side of my hands did hurt though, really bad. As you can tell I'm running out of things to talk about. And the very thing I've been trying to avoid thinking about has consumed my thoughts and creativity. I think that means I'm off to bed, before I make a mess of myself.

Playlist for the day:

Lifetime - Lifetime.
Morrissey - You Are The Quarry (B Sides).
Jesu - Conqueror.
Jets to Brazil - Perfecting Loneliness.
Kill Holiday - Somewhere Between The Wrong Is Right.
The Smiths - Strangeways Here We Come.
Disembodied - If God Only Knew The Rest Were Dead.

Sunday, April 1, 2007


I also forgot to say I am obsessed with this man. He is a pure genius.


I'm starting this thing to have some sort of vent that I cannot vent through the music I write. This blog, I assume will consist of rants, play lists, self reflection, questions, lyrical inspirations at the time and many more things that will probably offend people and things that I will look back at months later and ask myself, "what was I thinking". I'm willing to tempt fate though. I also assume that most of the people who will read this, know me. If not, here's a little about me: I'm an 18 year old, Vegan, Straightedge, hardcore/punk kid. I live in the beautiful coastal (kind of) town of San Juan Capistrano, located in Southern Orange County, California. I play guitar in a band called Seven Generations, an underground punk/hardcore band in vain of Unbroken, Chokehold, and Trial. I will probably write a lot about the band on this thing. Considering we are in the writing process of a full length, some of my frustration will more than likely come from the band, not the people in the band though. I hope. I'm kind of a recluse. I work with kids at the YMCA I used to go to when I was younger, at the same elementary school I used to go to when I was younger. I barely started working there about a month ago, we will see how it goes. So far it's a job, and that's about all I can say about it. When I'm not working, I'm training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and Muay Thai, running, listening to music, buying music, making music, or just sitting in my room thinking about things. I've been kind of holding off on reading, so I'd feel like a "poser" if I said I read, because I haven't in quite sometime. I have a fairly good collection of books that I need to read/re-read. I don't go to school and I don't know if I ever will again. The whole idea of pursuing a career seems so trivial to me at this point in my life. I just want to make music, tour, and play more music. Other than that, I truly like spending time at home. I don't know what else there is to say about myself. I feel kind of lame talking about myself. I guess if you (or I) keep up with this thing long enough you'll truly know how I am. I'm about to head out to practice right now. So I should get going. Hopefully I can keep up to date with this thing.

Until next time...for your sake, stay safe.