Friday, December 13, 2013

III (now IV) AM

Here's something not that many people know about me. I have roots deep in the city I'm from. My family was one of the first families in San Juan Capistrano. My mother and her 9 siblings grew up in the mission while my grandfather was a groundskeeper there. Anyone from southern california/Orange County at one point has heard "this land used to be nothing but orange groves", well my mom lived it and from what I can tell it was a better time. My grandfather helped paint the inside of the giant church when they were renovating it. I remember going into that church when I was a child, granted I was always bored during sermons I vaguely remember taking into account every corner, every rippled in the wooden doors and alters, and how the holy water sat in a bowl made of marble. I suppose that's what happens when you're bored, you just sit and entertain your self. Now the church has since gotten an entire altar made of wood covered by gold, the talent of the artists who created this 42 foot high gold altar is not lost on me.

Anyway, I'm just writing that to get away from the thoughts in my head. Nothing new, nothing different, just the same psychological Machiavellianism showing it's head in my life again. I don't know if it's cause I'm still hurt about everything, or my mind is so used to the conflict and shit in my head that I create these problems when in reality there is nothing wrong at all. I wake up every night at 3 AM, whether you're sleeping next to me or not, like clockwork, I don't know what it is. My anxiety just wakes me up at that time because a lot of bad that's ever happened to me has happened around that time. Time goes by fast when you're trying to go back to sleep but can't quite get there. 

I can't write, I can't really create, these days pictures are the only thing I feel that can convey anything in my head, whether its a sense of longing for something more or just the way a bird flies from darkness into the light. I have nothing, no words, too many thoughts, and not enough energy to do much else. 

I see a darkness.

Until next time.