Saturday, August 30, 2008

Distance and Meaning.

I've been thinking a lot about my involvement with activists and the activist circle that I am somehow included in.
I am very appreciative of the people who fight for the things they fight for. I'm also very appreciative of those who support the ones who are taken out by the federal government. Every time one of them gets taken out, there are many more to take their place in the ranks. It's uplifting in that sense, and believe me I can go on and on about the many great things about all these people do for animals and the earth, but I'd rather not wander too far off my original reason as to why I'm posting this.

In my short time involved in the punk and hardcore scene, I have always noticed the re occurring theme of social hierarchy's. Much like high school, there are always the few that are looked up to, to set some sort of example or to always be that "white knight" that people idolize and long to have their acceptance or to even be acknowledged by. I see people sacrifice every ethical view they have just to befriend people who are accepted by the masses for certain things they have achieved in the past. Granted I give them credit for their accomplishments, it still does not mean that they are free of consequence. I believe that activists should be critical of each other in every form of the word. Especially when it comes to how they treat other people and the lasting effects it has on those people. Let's not kid your selves here, you are not as tight nit of a group as you'd all like to think. I'd like to tell you all that I have faith in the world, and that I have faith in the community that I surround my self in, and that I have faith in you...but I simply can't lie to you. I'm sick of the contradicting attitudes and social circles and cliches. I was never part of that, and if I somehow gave that impression that I was then let me tell you...I've always felt isolated when I was around. I've never once considered my self on your side. I have the same ideas as you, I think the same as you, but I'm not you, I'm not like you and I'll never want to be like you. All your friends and all your idols and martyrs will never be mine.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Ask, Answer.

How can I write what I feel with out someone getting hurt? Without the tail end of the last word being that final nail on the coffin. I'm lost between the beginning and the end and the end seems a lot more desirable at this very moment, or at any moment. I don't want to try and work on things, I want things to work. I don't want to compromise, I want to do things my way. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I want to be left alone in my room with nothing to do, with the world wanting me to come out.
When it's here it isn't enough, but when it's gone it's never coming back.
This is why I don't get involved, I ruin people. I make them take my everything, my self loathing, my jadedness, my selfishness, my habits, my anti social tendencies, my sociopath like frame of mind, my reclusion, everything bad in a person and nothing good to come out. I look into your past and I judge you on that. Your past makes you who you are, in the worst way for me. I have no past. I forget it. Erase it. Bury it. Burn it. So you can't do what I do to you. I have nothing to be ashamed of except my present position. Always looking down. Always looking away.
Turn off the lights because I don't want to live anymore.