Wednesday, April 15, 2015


If anyone's still out there (no one is) and has read my previous posts I've talked lots about "getting back into writing in this blog". Don't hold your breath (no one will). This thing is such a giant undertaking and it's narcissistic, ugly, and boring. I've been writing in this thing since I was 17. This year is 10 years on this blog. What should I do? (nothing) What's changed? (nothing) I feel as though I have lost something in me the last couple of years, a lack of drive, a lack of sleep, a lack of care, mostly I feel like I lost a part of my self. I'm hard to deal with as a person, think about how hard I am to deal with in my own head. These thoughts aren't mine, they are mine. See?

My ailments do not escape me. It's like a cancer, stuck with it, taking chemicals to suppress it, but it's a reminder that sometimes genetics deals a hand that will fuck your life. I wake up in a cycle, 3 AM, 4 AM, 5 AM, 6 AM, then by 7 AM I'm too over it to fall back asleep. Every day. It's been this way for a long time.

A side effect of bipolar disorder is ADD like symptoms, I've lost the desire/patience/focus to read as much, write as much, and even think as much. I feel like I am watching my brain just getting more and more fucked the longer I stay alive.

I've lost the desire to write.