III (now IV) AM

Here's something not that many people know about me. I have roots deep in the city I'm from. My family was one of the first families in San Juan Capistrano. My mother and her 9 siblings grew up in the mission while my grandfather was a groundskeeper there. Anyone from southern california/Orange County at one point has heard "this land used to be nothing but orange groves", well my mom lived it and from what I can tell it was a better time. My grandfather helped paint the inside of the giant church when they were renovating it. I remember going into that church when I was a child, granted I was always bored during sermons I vaguely remember taking into account every corner, every rippled in the wooden doors and alters, and how the holy water sat in a bowl made of marble. I suppose that's what happens when you're bored, you just sit and entertain your self. Now the church has since gotten an entire altar made of wood covered by gold, the talent of the artists who created this 42 foot high gold altar is not lost on me.

Anyway, I'm just writing that to get away from the thoughts in my head. Nothing new, nothing different, just the same psychological Machiavellianism showing it's head in my life again. I don't know if it's cause I'm still hurt about everything, or my mind is so used to the conflict and shit in my head that I create these problems when in reality there is nothing wrong at all. I wake up every night at 3 AM, whether you're sleeping next to me or not, like clockwork, I don't know what it is. My anxiety just wakes me up at that time because a lot of bad that's ever happened to me has happened around that time. Time goes by fast when you're trying to go back to sleep but can't quite get there. 

I can't write, I can't really create, these days pictures are the only thing I feel that can convey anything in my head, whether its a sense of longing for something more or just the way a bird flies from darkness into the light. I have nothing, no words, too many thoughts, and not enough energy to do much else. 

I see a darkness.

Until next time.

ADC

Children of God recently embarked on our first tour as a band. After four years of existence; it's about time to get away and show other cities what you've spent your years on. Tour was filled with a lot of emotions, I think we all enjoyed our selves and we all already mesh well with each other, so other than outside forces, there was really nothing wrong. The turn outs were small and that was expected, but the turn outs were people that really wanted to be there and people that were really looking forward to watching us. 

This was the first tour I went on where I was the voice of the band; like literally singing every night and ruining my throat every. night. I handled it a lot better than I thought I would and my voice bounced back pretty quickly. 

The chemistry we have in this band is something I cherish and is something that only strengthens through time. We can sit in vans for hours on end, discussing anything and everything, or we can sit there in complete silence, staring out the window, reading, taking photos, listening to music, but we're there. We are never not around each other physically but mentally I think we all get into our heads. Surrounded alone. 

Now with tour having ended, it's back to the monotony of day to day life; work, school, exercising, trying to watch your calorie intake, the bane of existence. 

I've been supplementing my non-musical outlet with taking photos. So far I have been pretty happy with the outcome. 

I am done with writing right now. 

Nothing new here

25.

Never thought I'd make it this far. Quarter life; what a scary thought. I have a few more of these to go until I presumably can retire. I spent my 25th year here, in New York. I found my self thinking of whether or not I'd live there. The jury is still out. Life right now is what you'd expect of a mid 20's sober vegan, uneventful (not complaining) and monotonous (again, not complaining).

There's nothing new here.

I'm listening to Holy Sons - I Just Want to Live a Peaceful Life...it has been one of the best records I have ever encountered by accident.

25.

Nothin's changed.

Life is but a sick joke played on those that dream.

I suppose I'll just get right into it. I didn't check to see what I wrote about in the previous entry, doesn't matter. For those of you that still read this; hello. I haven't been writing because I've been busy being up and down, left and right, all around. Let's cut the shit, life is shitty. It's what you do in between those inevitable slaps in the face that make it worth living. Well, what if you don't feel like you're making use of that time? I don't know. I feel that way, then I started to just look forward to those slaps in the face. I'm a masochist. As much as I'd hate to admit it I have grown accustomed to all of the let downs, heart breaks, failures, manic episodes, depressions, mood swings, complete and total shittyness of life. I organize my life around those (you know, life sucking), because you're fucking blind if you think you're invincible from any of that. What do I do in between that? I write about it, I sing(?) about it, I write music for it, I catalogue each and every one of those times where I stared into the barrel of an imaginary gun and wanted to blow my brains out. "Do what makes you happy" seems to be the saying of anyone who s looking on the bright side that day. Well, I do what makes me happy and then something or someone (or even my self) fucks it all up.

I haven't talked to my mother in almost 7 months. I doubt I will. I'm slowly finding out that I have severe trust issues (brought on upon years of abandonment, negligence, and unfaithfulness), all this is the catalyst for every argument I have with someone (or again, my self) I find is being shitty to me. I don't think it's being made up ib my head, I've never been a push over and that's probably why not a lot of people like me but I'm alright with being that person that sits in a room of people all kissing each others asses.

I've lost the desire to write.

Maybe you'll hear from me again, maybe not.

Will the Light Take Us

Things have been hectic around these parts; hectic in a good way. Children of God has been on an all out assault on promoting the new record. You kind of have to whore your self out when you invest money into putting out your own record. COG got featured in OC Weekly and so far the responses to the new record have been good.

As far as my personal life, there's been highs and lows, but there's nothing new with that. I have been meaning to write in this a lot more but balancing time is kind of hard when you spend all day answering emails and trying to stay active. We even have an excel spread sheet, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Also my friends in Braveyoung and my self are putting out their record titled "Will the Dust Praise You". I am honored to be a part of this project, I have been good friends with them since the Giant days and they are truly a blessing to have in my life.

Here's a link to the new record stream.

Here's a link to order it directly from us.

Playlist lately:
Nails - Abandon All Life (get stoked, this record fucking rules)
Mono - For My Parents
Mono/World Ends Girlfriend - Palmless Prayer/Mass Murder Refrain
Neurosis - The Eye of Every Storm
Braveyoung - Will the Dust Praise You

That's all.