Through out my 23years of existence I have grown so accustomed to the chaotic, emotionally unstable, indecisive roller coaster I like to call life.

What does that mean exactly? It means that I have this ability to feel shiftless, restless, and anxious when everything is going just fine. I feel restless, bored, tired, and ready for new things to come all at the same time. It's a shitty feeling, knowing that I am at ease but I am not ready for it yet.

The days have been going by so fast and life seems to be going by so slow all at the same time.

I'm seeing a new therapist, she's great. I feel refreshed after talking her ear off.

I have finally buckled down (well, naturally) and started writing new COG material, it's...different. The emotions are the same but they are more matured, the music is different and the approach is a lot more different. The show we have coming up should be a good indicator of things to come. I hate deadlines being put on anything creative that I do but I'll just say the stuff should be out sooner than later.

Other things: I have been really getting into cycling...like on a jock level. Riding my bike produces the same chemicals in my brain that playing music does, it keeps me occupied, it's a good release. The suffering and pain that goes along with cycling is a sign of my personality, climbing up a hill and feeling your legs burn, reaching the peek and then finally sitting down in your saddle and then it's time to shift back up to gain some speed...after all "It never gets easier, you just go faster."

I have made two giant purchases recently, one being a new bike and a new camera. Both of these are taking over my creative side and good results should follow.

I've also been reinforcing my jock lifestyle by going to gym as well..although I don't do much weight lifting. I do spin class and do very light weight work...it feels good.

I have a tumblr now to showcase what photography skills I do have...again a slow process.

I think that's about it.

Bye.

no miracles here

I've been off and on lately (nothing new) but more than normal and more serious than normal. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've put my self in exile. People don't matter much to me anymore (not people in the general sense, just certain people) and I can't think of any reason why they should. The whole past month has been a complete blur. The only good thing to come of it is a new project (weird right?) that I am incredibly excited about. I feel like this project puts everything I have ever done musically to shame. It's relaxing to play and when we play together I get a very euphoric feeling, as if I'm floating and escaping from everything. I don't know. It's just the way it feels. I wrote my songs when I was feeling extremely depressed and that's actually how this band came about, just a desperation of needing to release my emotion.

Things seem to be going pretty good for COG we have a split with Seven Sisters Of Sleep coming out later this year and we are doing a big record release show with Gehenna, Nails, SSOS, Mistake, and Creatures. Other than those things things have been going slow at the COG camp, school is starting, work is calling, and life is ending. I haven't felt angry lately therefor no new music has been written and I've pretty much neglected all things COG so for the 2 of you that are waiting for no news, I apologize.

I'm done.

Dead end

lonesomer

I guess today was a productive day. I saw two Doctors, one to reinforce how mentally fucked I am and one to tell me (guess) what was wrong with me. I've been out of commission for the past week due to this sickness. I've had a very low energy level, sore throat, terrible sleeping patterns, mucus, everything was just going to shit. I'm on antibiotics now and I'm waiting for them to make me feel better.

This being sick thing has kept me from being outside riding my bike, running, swimming, exercising, keeping my mind occupied, this means that I've had a lot of time to run around in circles in my head. I have not been well mentally and I think it starts to show when I'm physically ill, it takes a lot for me to keep that mask up.






I took pictures of my neighborhood tonight, places I used to play when I was a little kid. It helped a little to sit there and think about being a little kid again and smelling the summer air that was the same air that kept me alive then and now.

If only things were like they were back then right?

the weight of loss is whole

I've been neglecting this blog for various reasons, mostly because I've been too busy getting my life situated. It's hard to find time to care when there's not much to care about. To summarize my life since I last wrote here: everything has been a mess. I've fallen into one of those cycles...if you've been keeping up with this blog at all (I doubt anyone has) you know what I mean.

I had to put one of my cats to sleep on Tuesday. It has effected me more than I ever thought it would. Being in the room petting her knowing I would never see her again was just too much to handle at that moment in time, all I could do is tear up and be there for her in her last moments. Now I replay that moment in my head everyday, every minute, every hour. I'm a dweller, I can't let things go, I wish I could but once anything enters my mind I can't shake it. My mind won't let me forget the sound she made when she went. That night our other cat (one of her kittens) was crying and I could sense that she felt the loss. I've been sleeping all day and going to sleep as much and as early as possible. I can't stop tearing up thinking about my cat that I brought home to my mom 9 years ago. I'll never see her again and it's killing me.

Chris Owens - Amp Extraordinaire

This past Friday and Saturday COG recorded 5 songs, 3 that will be on a split and 2 that we have no idea what we're going to do with yet.

We were fortunate enough to have our friend Dez let us use his old house in Northern OC to record live. Dez is one of the coolest guys I have met within the past 5 years. The Cabin is my favorite place to play in OC and is definitely a staple in the OC underground scene right now.

We recorded our record with Chris Owens and when he wasn't talking about gear, be it recording or guitar/bass he was standing on couches listening for the right acoustics in the room and taping mics to the floor and the wall, the guy knows his stuff. I've listened to the rough mix about 10 times now and it already sounds infinitely better than anything we have done...musically and sound wise. The best part about this recording session is that we were Chris's first project since he's moved from Louisville to LA in order to pursue his porn career.

The split should be out by October and the two songs we don't know what we're doing with yet...well maybe they'll never come out. Who knows.

All things must end.

So the newest news I can think of is me moving. The inevitable has came, our foreclosed on house is now owned by the bank. We are being paid to move out by the end of this month. I suppose everybody has a price, right?

I'm at a loss at the moment, couch surfing and random sleep overs will have to suffice for the time being until I figure out what I want to do. It's not the most desirable way to live but neither is paying too much for rent. OC has high rent rates so it's hard coming to terms paying $800 for a room. I'd like to stay in south county so I can limit my car use and ride my bike a lot more. Brian and I have been riding like crazy and it's definitely helped me become a better rider.

In June Brian, AJ, and I are going to be taking a trip to Greensboro North Carolina to visit our friends in Braveyoung and tag along with them for a string of shows across the east coast. It's been about 6 years since I've been there and I'm glad I'm finally going back after years of saying I would.

I have been writing my ass off for this new COG release and I will say it's different but stuff I like to and want to play. We have a split coming out soon, as soon as we record our side (procrastinating).

Ride, Run, Ride, Run, Run, Run, Ride, Run, Ride, Run...that's my week in a nutshell. You'd think I look like a model now but I don't because my eating habits are shit.

Fuck it.
Playlist:
Refused - Shape.../Songs...
Red House Painters - Bridge
Neurosis - Times Of Grace
Jesu - Conqueror
Have A Nice Life - Deathcounsciousness
Integrity - Systems Overload
OM - Conference Of The Birds
Amenra - II/III