What we do is secret.

14. 4. 09

This past weekend was one of the best weekends I've had in years. My friends in Braveyoung came into town while on their U.S. tour. With out getting too sappy, I'll say that these guys are probably the best people I have met through being in a band and touring. No one else compares. As musicians they are amazing. As people they are even more amazing. The show was fun, but that was seriously the worst part of the weekend. Anyone who's been in a touring band knows that shows are the worst part of touring. The best part is the time spent with people you only get to see once every two or so years. The let's begin where the night almost ended. The show ends, we all go to Saturn (it's tradition). A group of about 10 or 15 of us (plus the rest of the show already seated and eating) come in and immediately the N.C. guys start laughing hysterically at this guy if you don't know who he is, go here and look at all the related videos. I could not believe this guy. He was the rest of the nights entertainment. I showed the boys the famous saturn vegan nachos and vanilla peanutbutter shakes. Food was consumed. Laughs were had. Then came the leaving. We were all trying to find a way to get a picture with the infamous "god on ecstasy". So I asked if we can and he approved. I know it's useless with out pictures, but believe me, I will have them up when I get my hands on them. We all leave, I show the boys to the sleeping house and the other boys to the other sleep house. Ghostlimp, Dangers, and Braveyoung...probably about 14 or so people spread out across the floor in the house the next morning. Dangers and Ghostlimb leave early to play a show in Vegas. I say goodbye and the day begins. I'll skip the worthless details. We played softball (guess whose team won?) and killed it. Photos of the events...

Just when you think you're doing fine, life has a way of putting you in your place. It's ok. I deserve it. As much as I say I don't, I believe in karma. I believe that what I'm feeling right now is payback for what I've made other people feel. Yeah waking up in a cold sweat is a good feeling. It's a kick in the ass from reality. Tragically it doesn't happen too often. If it did, maybe it'd keep me from being the way I am. Total apathy for anything and anyone. Complete disregard for mine and your well-being. Unattainable expectations. That's what happens when your life is being commandeered by something you have little to no control over. And only when you feel this low, when your face is being shoved into the earth; you tell your self "I'm going to change". Go to sleep. Wake up to do it all over again. "Fuck it, I don't need to change". Welcome to my life. 4 in the morning and the ghost of every single person I've hurt has been using me as a punching bag while I tried to rest. My mind is too tired to fight back. This happens all too often. I don't want to be fixed. I wanted to be born fixed. Fuck pity parties. Like I said, I deserve this and everything else that's coming to me. I'll lie awake staring at the ceiling going through all the scenarios in my head, all the "what if"s couldn't even measure up. It's too late. What's done is done and what's done is wrong. When the sun rises I'll be dreading for it to fall.

"God damn the sun."