Just when you think you're doing fine, life has a way of putting you in your place. It's ok. I deserve it. As much as I say I don't, I believe in karma. I believe that what I'm feeling right now is payback for what I've made other people feel. Yeah waking up in a cold sweat is a good feeling. It's a kick in the ass from reality. Tragically it doesn't happen too often. If it did, maybe it'd keep me from being the way I am. Total apathy for anything and anyone. Complete disregard for mine and your well-being. Unattainable expectations. That's what happens when your life is being commandeered by something you have little to no control over. And only when you feel this low, when your face is being shoved into the earth; you tell your self "I'm going to change". Go to sleep. Wake up to do it all over again. "Fuck it, I don't need to change". Welcome to my life. 4 in the morning and the ghost of every single person I've hurt has been using me as a punching bag while I tried to rest. My mind is too tired to fight back. This happens all too often. I don't want to be fixed. I wanted to be born fixed. Fuck pity parties. Like I said, I deserve this and everything else that's coming to me. I'll lie awake staring at the ceiling going through all the scenarios in my head, all the "what if"s couldn't even measure up. It's too late. What's done is done and what's done is wrong. When the sun rises I'll be dreading for it to fall.

"God damn the sun."