looking back

As I wrote in my previous post, I've been writing a lot, just not on here.

I've been writing a lot of music (what else is new?)...I swear if for some reason I went deaf I would kill my self, there is no denying it. Music is everything to me...as a counselor, as a healer, as inspiration, as an art form.
There are songs I listen to that remind me of the worst times in my life and it's nice to be able to listen to them and not actually feel how I was feeling then yet I find my self reminiscing about those dark times. I'm a masochist when it comes to making my self feel bad...I look at photos that make me nostalgic, listen to music, read what I wrote then, anything you can reopen wounds with I look at...it's terrible yet it gives me some kind of closure until the next time I get curious.

It's a terrible feeling, to feel. I don't like it.

My mind has been so up and down lately, I don't know why. I've always been open about my mental disorders and I know it's not rare that people have bi polar or borderline disorder...but man, it fucking sucks. I don't know why I've been feeling like this...I take medication and I've noticed the difference up until recently...it feels like everything came crashing down on me. That might sound a bit over dramatic but it's true. I've been very irritable lately and I've taken it out on people that more or less don't deserve it...I suppose if they knew me well enough they'd know what to expect.

What the fuck am I talking about. I'm a pessimist. I've always been. I've been self aware since the age of 5. I've always been obsessed with dying and the romanticized idea of my death. Who'd miss me, who'd care, who'd laugh, who'd cry, who'd keep all my stuff, who'd throw it all away, who'd come to the funeral, what music would they play...I've always wanted to see it. I've always wanted to live my death and witness the aftermath. Technology hurry up and give me a fucking time machine.

That is all.