What we do is secret.

14. 4. 09

This past weekend was one of the best weekends I've had in years. My friends in Braveyoung came into town while on their U.S. tour. With out getting too sappy, I'll say that these guys are probably the best people I have met through being in a band and touring. No one else compares. As musicians they are amazing. As people they are even more amazing. The show was fun, but that was seriously the worst part of the weekend. Anyone who's been in a touring band knows that shows are the worst part of touring. The best part is the time spent with people you only get to see once every two or so years. The let's begin where the night almost ended. The show ends, we all go to Saturn (it's tradition). A group of about 10 or 15 of us (plus the rest of the show already seated and eating) come in and immediately the N.C. guys start laughing hysterically at this guy if you don't know who he is, go here and look at all the related videos. I could not believe this guy. He was the rest of the nights entertainment. I showed the boys the famous saturn vegan nachos and vanilla peanutbutter shakes. Food was consumed. Laughs were had. Then came the leaving. We were all trying to find a way to get a picture with the infamous "god on ecstasy". So I asked if we can and he approved. I know it's useless with out pictures, but believe me, I will have them up when I get my hands on them. We all leave, I show the boys to the sleeping house and the other boys to the other sleep house. Ghostlimp, Dangers, and Braveyoung...probably about 14 or so people spread out across the floor in the house the next morning. Dangers and Ghostlimb leave early to play a show in Vegas. I say goodbye and the day begins. I'll skip the worthless details. We played softball (guess whose team won?) and killed it. Photos of the events...

Just when you think you're doing fine, life has a way of putting you in your place. It's ok. I deserve it. As much as I say I don't, I believe in karma. I believe that what I'm feeling right now is payback for what I've made other people feel. Yeah waking up in a cold sweat is a good feeling. It's a kick in the ass from reality. Tragically it doesn't happen too often. If it did, maybe it'd keep me from being the way I am. Total apathy for anything and anyone. Complete disregard for mine and your well-being. Unattainable expectations. That's what happens when your life is being commandeered by something you have little to no control over. And only when you feel this low, when your face is being shoved into the earth; you tell your self "I'm going to change". Go to sleep. Wake up to do it all over again. "Fuck it, I don't need to change". Welcome to my life. 4 in the morning and the ghost of every single person I've hurt has been using me as a punching bag while I tried to rest. My mind is too tired to fight back. This happens all too often. I don't want to be fixed. I wanted to be born fixed. Fuck pity parties. Like I said, I deserve this and everything else that's coming to me. I'll lie awake staring at the ceiling going through all the scenarios in my head, all the "what if"s couldn't even measure up. It's too late. What's done is done and what's done is wrong. When the sun rises I'll be dreading for it to fall.

"God damn the sun."

Manic Times.

These last few days have been such a cluster fuck.

I'm still in Orange County. I'm currently typing this from my nephews bed in my sisters house. The room is decorated in stuffed animals, legos, game boy games, books we read when we were younger, and raiders stuff (his dad is a huge raiders fan). He's a lucky kid. My sister and his dad are taking care of him. He's not growing up like my sister and I did. I'm really glad that's the case. Innocence is a good thing to hold on to these days, it's the only thing you have. Once that's gone, you're as good as dead. When I look back at my life I tell my self I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way, but that's not true. I know it's not true. It's nothing personal against my mom or dad, I love them. But it could have been better. What's a childhood with out terrible memories though, right?

Regardless; I'm happy for this family. Love mine. But they'll be the death of me. That's why I'm in Santa Cruz and they're here.

There's really no point to this entree. I started to finally read "On The Road" by Kerouac. After my long hiatus on reading, I decided to start again but this time with "the greatest hits" of literature. I'm tired of reading about civilization, our cultures mistreatment of women, patriarchy, animal suffering, etc. Etc. I don't need to read that stuff anymore. I know how I feel about it. I don't need to read about it.

I'm currently listening to Morrissey: Years of Refusal.
Best record of 09. This man can not do a terrible record. Everything he's done, amazing. Hopefully I get to see him next month in Oakland. My life is really in need of that experience again.

Playlist since the last couple of days.

Swans - Burning World.
Morrissey - Years of Refusal.
Jets To Brazil - Perfecting Loneliness.
Depeche Mode - Sounds Of The Universe.

Wolves Like Me.

I haven't written in this in a long time. To all 2 of you that ever read this or were interested. There's no real reason. I've been busy trying not to be (but always thinking about it) a narcissistic-self centered-person driven to write in this thing by being in a perpetual state of discomfort, depression, or nostalgia. A short story of where I left off.

December through January were hard months, really no need to go into too much detail.
In February I moved to Santa Cruz and that's where I've been spending most of my time. Jobless. Nearly homeless. But still, better than I was in Orange County. Something about being away from home. I feel like everytime I step foot into Orange County it takes everything I have to leave again. There's always something trying to keep me t(here), (I'm writing this on a short stint down here for a show 7 gen has on Thursday). Like me and Ben being stranded on the side of the 5 in the middle of no where from 12 midnight till 4 A.M. My car just didn't want to leave, that or the water pump was broken and we had been leaking from the beginning. Regardless, I would have jumped in front of a semi if it wasn't for Ben being there.

Now Santa Cruz: a life of vacation. Living off my savings, sneaking into places, not buying things, collecting music, transportation by foot or bike 98% of the time, eating too much (I can tell I've gained weight, I need to fix that), and last but not least, playing music. Only reasons I have for coming down to south orange county are to play shows with 7 Gen and nothing else; we are ending it soon (this year) so to all 10 of you that care(d) I'm sure the details for the last show will be released fairly soon. I don't know who's going to be on it. We will be releasing a 2 song 7inch with our last songs on it. Recording for that will be...? No clue. I'm sure that info will be released soon as well.

As for now everything is tentative. I'd say other things about our plans to do other things but it's such a cluster fuck with everyone changing plans that I'm not even going to bother.

However I will tell you my plans: I'm staying up in Santa Cruz as long as it will have me. Hopefully things work out so I can live there.
Musically: I have started a band called "speedway", it's a punk rock n roll band. I'm enjoying it so far. Maybe we'll have something recorded soon. This July through september I will be touring Europe with my friends band Wait In Vain. We will be there for 2 and a half months playing a bunch of shows. Playing a bunch of fests and having a great time I hope. I'm excited for it. I always find my self happy when I'm away from home. See? Always leaving. I was born that way.

There's really nothing else to write. Other than I feel morbidly obese and I don't think I can recover. Someone needs to help me get on a better diet.

Things I've been listening to the past 3 months and highly recommend:
Psychic T.V. - Force The Hand of Chance.
Swans - Burning World, Various Failures, shit, all Swans is good.
Angels Of Light (ex swans) - Everything as well. Michael Gira is fantastic.
Death In June - DISCriminate collections.
Christian Death - Six, Six, Sixth communion.
The Black Angels - Passover.
Jefferson Airplane - The Worst of Jefferson Airplane.
Left For Dead - Splitting Heads.
Threadbare - Feeling Older Faster.
Chorus Of Disapproval - The Italian 7inch.
The Swarm - Parasitic Skies, Split with Forced Fed Glass.
Minus The Bear - Highly Refined Pirates.
City & Colour - Bring Me Your Love.
Backstabbers Inc. - Kamakazi Missions.
Band Of Horses - Tour EP.
Cocteau Twins - Heaven Or Las Vegas.
Dinosaur Jr. - Where You Been?
Electric Wizard - We Live.
Integrity - Humanity Is The Devil, Systems Overload, Seasons In The Size Of Days.
Isis - Waving Radiant.
The Jesus And Mary Chain - Darklands.
Jose Gonzalez - Veneer, In Our Nature.
Kings Of Leon - Only By The Night.
Oasis - What's The Story Morning Glory?
Propagandhi - Supporting Caste.

Last but certainly not least.
Morrissey - Years Of Refusal. Atleast a 30 times since it leaked. Yes I bought it on vinyl and CD.

Shortcomings.

Dear Reader,

I wanted to warn you of everything before it got too late. I want to tell you how everything we ever say becomes parrallel to how what feel in the end. And all the words we meant just end up becoming regrets. I wasn't born this way. I was made this way. I want to tell you that just like them, you'll be another regret. I can't help but feel it.
When you're this far from heaven you can't help but feel like you belong to hell.
I'm telling you this post trauma because I didn't want to ruin the moment. I write these words to remind me to tell the next one...fuck it. There won't be a next one. I write these because it's not fair to you to let you go with out an explanation. I was a child turned wolf. I'm no longer wolf. I'm not even a man. I'm a shell stuck inside of a shell, inside of a shell.
When you're this far from heaven, you can't help but want to go to hell.
I'm staring at the sun one more time. This time I hope I go blind. This time I hope I really die. Heaven doesn't want me and hell doesn't need me. I don't need me.

Shortcomings.

Here I am again.

This is my blog where you all can read what I'm thinking about. For you readers, if I seem at all interesting, don't think for a second that I am. I'm far from it. Every thing I do is something I have done and will continue to do for ever. Self sabotage. I know it too well. Everything ends before it even begins. So don't try to begin anything with me. Maybe I do it to my self cause I want to be alone. Maybe the entire world is wrong in thinking that they're meant to be together forever. Maybe the un natural has become the natural and vise versa. I feel complete in misery. I was born into it. I will die in it.

I want to live in a place where it rains all the time so I can sit at home and have a good excuse to be my self. Where no one can blame it on a chemical imbalance. Where I won't have to leave a room full of everything I need. Give me a guitar, a note pad, records and leave me alone forever. I won't come out till I feel complete. (Never).

I don't have eyes. But I have a mind. It isn't much and doesn't think like you. But it's a mind and it's mine. Maybe I can't see. I do this to my self cause I can't see. I was born with 2 holes in my head. And maybe one day I'll be complete. But I'm not blaming anyone but me. I can't look at you when I speak cause I can't see. I'm doing to die alone and that's fine. I have 2 holes in my hands and 2 holes in my feet. A 3rd hole in my head will make me see.