Life is but a sick joke played on those that dream.

I suppose I'll just get right into it. I didn't check to see what I wrote about in the previous entry, doesn't matter. For those of you that still read this; hello. I haven't been writing because I've been busy being up and down, left and right, all around. Let's cut the shit, life is shitty. It's what you do in between those inevitable slaps in the face that make it worth living. Well, what if you don't feel like you're making use of that time? I don't know. I feel that way, then I started to just look forward to those slaps in the face. I'm a masochist. As much as I'd hate to admit it I have grown accustomed to all of the let downs, heart breaks, failures, manic episodes, depressions, mood swings, complete and total shittyness of life. I organize my life around those (you know, life sucking), because you're fucking blind if you think you're invincible from any of that. What do I do in between that? I write about it, I sing(?) about it, I write music for it, I catalogue each and every one of those times where I stared into the barrel of an imaginary gun and wanted to blow my brains out. "Do what makes you happy" seems to be the saying of anyone who s looking on the bright side that day. Well, I do what makes me happy and then something or someone (or even my self) fucks it all up.

I haven't talked to my mother in almost 7 months. I doubt I will. I'm slowly finding out that I have severe trust issues (brought on upon years of abandonment, negligence, and unfaithfulness), all this is the catalyst for every argument I have with someone (or again, my self) I find is being shitty to me. I don't think it's being made up ib my head, I've never been a push over and that's probably why not a lot of people like me but I'm alright with being that person that sits in a room of people all kissing each others asses.

I've lost the desire to write.

Maybe you'll hear from me again, maybe not.

Will the Light Take Us

Things have been hectic around these parts; hectic in a good way. Children of God has been on an all out assault on promoting the new record. You kind of have to whore your self out when you invest money into putting out your own record. COG got featured in OC Weekly and so far the responses to the new record have been good.

As far as my personal life, there's been highs and lows, but there's nothing new with that. I have been meaning to write in this a lot more but balancing time is kind of hard when you spend all day answering emails and trying to stay active. We even have an excel spread sheet, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Also my friends in Braveyoung and my self are putting out their record titled "Will the Dust Praise You". I am honored to be a part of this project, I have been good friends with them since the Giant days and they are truly a blessing to have in my life.

Here's a link to the new record stream.

Here's a link to order it directly from us.

Playlist lately:
Nails - Abandon All Life (get stoked, this record fucking rules)
Mono - For My Parents
Mono/World Ends Girlfriend - Palmless Prayer/Mass Murder Refrain
Neurosis - The Eye of Every Storm
Braveyoung - Will the Dust Praise You

That's all.

Juxtopposition

I have good days and I have bad days, today was more of the latter. I woke up feeling a little off but I tried to shake it to keep my self from self sabotage. Well, here I am in my cave listening to depressing compositions with 3 sleeping pills in my body nodding off waiting for them to take me to bed completely.

I think they're working. Hopefully these keep me down for the night.

There was no point to this confession/post.

All things to those who wait.

Life is ok at the moment.

Through the wind...

I often find my self thinking about why I do the things I do. Why do I play music? Why do I enjoy creating an extension of my dark emotions to listen to over and over and over, looping them and adding to them, trying to make them darker, louder, quieter, more subtle, more abrasive, or more listenable. Writing music for me has always been a way to purge my self of what is in my head, but I've recently been entrenched in making what's in my head bigger and stronger, so much that I give it a life of its own. I can only liken it to a dog disobeying its master, eventually its primal nature kicks in and it turns on you. That's what music does to me, although I never thought my music would have the power to do that to me.

I decided that I wanted to create a song that encompasses how I've been feeling lately...I'm at the 12 minute mark and the people I have shown have told me it was dark. I'm going to see how long this song will be...I'm not done with it until I feel like it's done being written.

This post was originally written about a week ago, I drafted it cause I didn't want to write on it anymore.

Here I am a week later, I haven't worked on that song lately...the song title is called "Nothing's Sacred". The title is pretty self explanatory.

It's funny to think about how much my life has changed since...well...since yesterday and the day before and so on and so forth. I would rather spend my time inside my room listening to records, allowing my self to get in my head (embracing it); than be out or around people to take my mind off of everything going on inside my head (rejecting it). I was in a very dark place the other week, one not unlike the ones I used to go to when I was unmedicated, it's a humbling feeling; to know that your bodies chemistry can control you that much, nature dictating your life and literally having your life be at the mercy of nature. I suppose life is funny like that, right?

In other news Children Of God recorded an LP. Since this is my personal blog, I don't care about spoiling anything (nothing to spoil) because no one reads this thing (no one to spoil it to). The album's title is called "We Set Fire To The Sky". The lyrical content of this record is a lot more personal and introspective than anything else I've written and at times the lyrics are not coherent but that doesn't matter to me as I mostly write these words to get my thoughts on paper. I chose the album title because I think that we as a species being so small in the grand scheme of things (although the most destructive) look to the sky for answers, whether it's studying the stars or believing in Christ we see the sky as our life line and answerer of all the questions we have. When I thought of the name I liked the visual idea of literally setting fire to the sky, setting fire to everything every one of us looks to for answers, because our answers can only be found within ourselves...and we can only come to any relevant conclusion for our life when we fully have an understanding of ourselves. So we set out to destroy everything on earth as a species, let's destroy our answers to life's questions, let's allow ourselves to have nothing to ask questions to, nothing but ourselves.

I'm proud of this new record and I've always believed what Neurosis says: "If you don't make a record that you think eclipses your last record....then you've failed."

That's all.

I've been...busy.

I don't remember the last time I wrote here, I suppose it's a good thing when you don't have the time to sit around and think about your on line blog that nobody reads. I'm really only writing in this because I woke up this morning only to realize my leg was hurting, so that means no cycling for me, no 6 AM rides, no terrible tan lines, no climbing hills asking my self "what the fuck are you doing to your self?". None of it and I'm bummed about it.

I suppose I should catch those of you who still read this up. I've traveled a bit here and there, been riding a lot, and creating a lot. There's something in me that drives me to want to always convey how I'm feeling through music, whether it's to an audience or it's for my own listening pleasure.

I just moved in to a new place, by work, by the beach, where I'm able to hole up in my room. I never had my own room until I was about 18. Then there's this big gap where I didn't and now I'm 24 and back at that point. I think I've grown accustomed to not having my own space, so I create to allow my self that space.

COG was writing for an LP and we just recorded, I'm very proud of this record. Lyrically it is unlike any thing else I've ever done. Musically, it is an evolution and collaboration of everything else I've done. I really am proud of this record. I have a good feeling about it. I don't see us headlining the main stage at any of your big fests any time soon but I know I like it. We are self releasing this record and it may or may not be a wise idea but I won't ever feel artistically fulfilled until I release my own record. The art work is done by Thomas Hooper. I don't think I can thank him enough for his contribution and dedication to art and the underground music scene. To have someone who's art I've always admired and who's done art work for bands like Neurosis and Doomriders and many other great artists, is truly a gift.

I recently saw Tim Hecker, Pan•American, and Loscil on one of my recent travels. Seeing performance artists like that is a completely new world. It felt great to sit at a show and just close my eyes and lose my self in the music. I couldn't stop listening to TH's Harmony In Ultraviolet for a week straight after that.

I think that is all for now.

XXIV

Today is my date of birth.

Whenever this day approaches I sink into depression, close off, reflect, regret, whatever. I'm writing this from work, not by choice but because my co worker forgot that he was going to cover me. I usually ask for this day off not because I think I'm owed it, I just don't really like being around too many people today, so here I am. I hate the "it's my birthday" mentality that so many people feel entitled to, gifts, well wishes, good thoughts, cards, dinners, lunches, favors, drinks, and all that stuff. I don't really tell many people it's today but thanks to social media I feel thought about once a day. I'm grateful that people care, I just don't like that mentality that they owe it to me to say something nice today.

I saw Gorilla Biscuits and Quicksand yesterday at the Revelation showcase that was being held this weekend. It coincided perfectly with my turning of age. I was 14 when I was first introduced to a band on Revelation Records and that band was Gorilla Biscuits. Before I got into that era of hardcore I was a more metal influenced hardcore kid, considering that time period and the scene at the time I was introduced to some horrible stuff, some stuff I still like, and some stuff that I listen to cause of nostalgia but I understand the steps we all had to take to get to where we are. Last night was like a complete circle being made. It's been a long time since I've worn my Youth Of Today X'd up fist hoodie that I so proudly wore in high school and although I listen to Revelation bands a lot less than I used to, last night was the perfect night to re-visit that music. I got to stage dive to Gorilla Biscuits and sing along. I heard the opening trumpets of New Direction live. I used to sit in the backseat of my parents car while we were on road trips holding a cd player that had Start Today in it, reading the lyrics, looking at the pictures of people jumping around. Everything was so tangible then and now it's youtube, twitter, messageboards, instagram, and this. There's no need to be anywhere cause somewhere someone is writing about it. I suppose that's what separates the herd, people that still enjoy being somewhere and experiencing things as opposed to just hearing about it.
Quicksand was amazing, flawless, so fluid, Walter is one of the most talented musicians in the underground scene and I truly appreciate his music, his time, and dedication to his craft.

I'm done. If you're reading this, sorry to rant. Hope you all have a good June 11th.