XIII.

My attempts to document my feelings have failed miserably. Whenever I think about writing in this, I don't. When I feel like writing, I feel like it's boring. Then again, I'm not writing for anybody else, just myself. Even I get bored at times.

This past week was awesome. It was 7 Gens first time playing in a couple months and I was excited to show the new songs to everybody. We all got very very good feed back and it definitely put me in an up mood about writing more. A good hand full of people told us that it was the best line up 7 gen's ever had and it's very fulfilling to know that I'm part of that line up. It's also very fulfilling to know that people like the songs I wrote and can't wait to hear more. I like the feeling of playing live shows, it's so cliche to say but, nothing beats that feeling, at least for me. It was also my first time playing live with my new guitar, it sounds amazing, feels amazing, looks amazing. I couldn't have been happier. Now it's covered in blood and sweat, and it still looks good. I sound like a nerd, but trust me, I've heard more nerdary come out of Nicholas' mouth about guitars than I'll ever know how to put into words.

This past week also brought us our good friends in Risen, I've met Kent and Kurt before. But the others I didn't but it was good meeting all of them and hanging out with them. They brought a game called "logging" to California. It's basically a simple task of putting a piece of folded up paper (hot dog style) onto someones shoulder, to see how long it will be on there. The paper usually has the person who completed the tasks name and sometimes even has the time it was put on. There is no point system, it is just a game that makes people look like idiots with stuff on their shoulders. I swear, after almost every show there was a bunch of logs on the floor. I'm not sure if it's a very eco-friendly game. Either way, the hilarity that ensued those nights at the shows was worth it...maybe. Risen even made a song about logging, the game. Hopefully it doesn't die down. Anyway, back to the point...those guys' are awesome. I love seeing them live and I love spending time with them. I hope they come out here again, or we go over there...I remember liking Indiana when I was there. Especially where Kurt lives, it's a nice little place.

Summer's almost here and I'm torn because I think I might need to get a job. This time I'm applying at skate shops so I can just hang out all day. I hope it works out. I really want to get a job at a piercing shop...Cary, if you're reading this, you know what to do. Either way, I want money, guitar equipment, and more tattoos. I hope I can do something about all three of those by the time summer is over.

There's so many other things I can write about but I don't have the desire. Last week was pretty good. This week sucks because it isn't last week.

"Yes I am blind, no I can't see the good things, just the bad things."

-XadrianX

XII.

Reflecting from my deathbed
I'm balancing life's riches
against the ditches
and the flat gray years in-between
all I can see are the never-laid
that's the never played symphonies

I can't see those who tried to love me
or those who felt they understood me
and I can't see those who
very patiently put up with me
All I can see are the never-laid
or the never played symphonies

You were one, you meant to be one
and you jumped into my face
and laughed and kissed me on the cheek
and then were gone forever
not quite

Black sky in the daytime
and I don't much mind dying
when there is nothing left to care for anymore
just the never layed
the never played symphonies

you were one, you knew you were one
and you slid right through my fingers
no not literally
but metaphorically
and now you're all I see
as the light fades

XI.

On Saturday night I found out that a person I knew committed suicide. He was 27 years old with a wife and I think 2 kids. When I first heard the news I was kind of taken back but the feeling of amazement was quickly suppressed by the events that were going on at the time (I was at Earth Crisis). It didn't really hit me until yesterday when I stepped into the gym and saw everyone depressed. At the end of class they called everyone into the room and announced what had happened and when the services were going to be and where they'd be held. As I was walking out I saw my teacher with his head down in his hands crying his eyes out, locked in his office. That's what truly hit me. I never thought I'd see him cry like that, ever. It hit me again for a second time when I realized how much this has effected his brother, my barber. I feel terrible for him. And I can only imagine how terrible the rest of his family feels. I don't know if I will attend the services being held. I can't imagine seeing a bunch of my tough guy friends, cry for hours. It's so strange to see how someones life can be almost perfect from the outside, but on the inside it's a complete mess. He was an extremely talented fighter, had his own gym that made him money, had a marriage, kids, almost everything. That's just what it seemed like from the outside though.

Uh, subject change. I'm sitting outside because I get better wireless reception here. It's hot in my room, so this feels very good to have a constant feeling of coolness. So many things on my mind. The past, the present, the future. Life in general. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing with my life. At the same time, I know what I want to do. Play music, have my own house, and tour. I don't want a job. I don't really want to go to school, but I'd rather go to school than have a job...for the time being. I'm done for tonight.

"Nobody knows what human life is."

Playlist for the day:

Adamantium - From the Depths of Depression.
Minus the Bear - Highly Refined Pirates.
Trap Them - Sleep Well Deconstructor.
Unbroken - life. love. regret.


-XadrianX

X.

It's 11 P.M. on a Friday night. I'm always asked what I'm doing inside. Well to be honest, I don't do anything. But I'm sure it's better than what most kids my age are doing. This is my 6th year being straightedge and it's only gotten better. I have noticed too many people in my life have ruined their lives by allowing themselves to become consumed by a lifestyle of partying, drinking, doing drugs, having promiscuous sex. It's truly a sad thing.

I just want to make music, to be honest. If it means I have to have a day job, then so be it. Just let me be a depressing musician that makes others depressed with my music. I just want to tour, be in a band (hardcore or emo) and tour the country. Anything to get away. I've been writing emo songs and I want to find musicians that want to be depressing with me. Preferably sober and vegan ones.

I'm currently listening to the song "Shallow Like Your Breath" by "Elliott". Seriously, such an amazing song/band. I noticed, as much as I listen to Hardcore, I listen to Emo the same amount, if not more. I used to hate "emo" when I was younger. That was when I was in my "I'm too hardcore for everything" stage, though. Ugh, I was missing out. At the same time, I don't think I could relate to the music as well as I can now. Kind of off subject, but it could kind of relate to the subject...I find it so weird that people are starting to be attracted to me (definitely not bragging). I mean, I'm just not used to it. It's nice though. I just think, no matter what people say, I'll always not be good enough for my own good. I still look in the mirror in disgust at times. I've got issues, and I've been trying to change that, but I think I've come to the conclusion that my issue is that I'll always feel like I can be better...if that makes sense. I don't know. Life is so confusing at times.

I went to go and see if I was qualified for financial aid for college today, and I am eligible. I'm happy because I don't want my parents to pay for anything. I'm going to start going to school in the Fall. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing with myself. Is it even possible for me to become a teacher of sorts? Or even a counselor? Who knows. It's possible I suppose, I just don't know if I could.

This post is so weird and confusing but it's exactly my thoughts at this moment.

I've been thinking about people from my past and sometimes I feel this feeling of regret or sadness because things aren't like they were back then. But then I realize that they're probably better off without me in their life or vise versa.

"down here we're caught under the waste of our dilutions that fell among the quake. help me try to understand the great diversion that came and tore us down. lean onto me, lean into you. comfort i once knew slowly disappears. reverberate, shaking at the core. holding up your own by letting go our grasp. don't say a thing, don't move a word. shallow like your breath you hold while you're under these lights that bury you. we claw and mark like animals, they show the scars we hide too well. notice you're awake dreaming while you walk. halls we create are closing in on us. you're tired so let's turn the lights out. you're tired so let's shut it off. it's time to count all the victims that were caught in our last explosion. we are the couple called suicide. we are the red cross white flag. you're tired so let's turn the lights out, you're tired so let's shut it off. "

That is all,
XadrianX

IX.

I spent the past week up north in Santa Cruz. I have come to the conclusion that I want to move there, eventually. Unless things change drastically down here, I will move to Santa Cruz once 7 Generations is done. I'm sure some friends will be heart broken, but I don't think I can live here much longer. The day I came back I was stressed out, again. The previous whole week I was completely fine. It was truly an awesome experience. I left via Greyhound, early Saturday morning and made it into town at noon. The bus ride up was interesting, considering I was in a bus full of a bunch of randoms on a really long trip. It's not something I've done, or am used to. We had a layover in San Jose that was like 2 hours long which we spent playing Tekken 5. I really need to work on my skills on that game, I used to be really good when I was younger.

While I was in Santa Cruz I walked to the Wharf everyday (everyone calls it the wharf...I called it the pier) and looked out into the Pacific Ocean. I did that almost every morning. It was just nice to get away and have some alone time. I spent most of my days with friends, eating free food, listening to music on the porch, walking around town, and other things. I noticed that I am very different from most of the vegan straightedge kids up there. It's funny to see that we are all involved in the same things, but we look the exact opposite. Although I will admit, most of those kids are more involved than I am. I just have a really big problem with being social in those kind of settings. I love and hate the sense of community that the town house. I think the part of me that hates it is the "I'm so used to being in my room, mind your own business" part of me. Either way, I love all of my friends up there. I can't wait to go back in 3 weeks.

There's so much other stuff I can write but I don't think this is the time or place to discuss this. I'll end this post...now.

"The world is full of crashing bores."