X.

It's 11 P.M. on a Friday night. I'm always asked what I'm doing inside. Well to be honest, I don't do anything. But I'm sure it's better than what most kids my age are doing. This is my 6th year being straightedge and it's only gotten better. I have noticed too many people in my life have ruined their lives by allowing themselves to become consumed by a lifestyle of partying, drinking, doing drugs, having promiscuous sex. It's truly a sad thing.

I just want to make music, to be honest. If it means I have to have a day job, then so be it. Just let me be a depressing musician that makes others depressed with my music. I just want to tour, be in a band (hardcore or emo) and tour the country. Anything to get away. I've been writing emo songs and I want to find musicians that want to be depressing with me. Preferably sober and vegan ones.

I'm currently listening to the song "Shallow Like Your Breath" by "Elliott". Seriously, such an amazing song/band. I noticed, as much as I listen to Hardcore, I listen to Emo the same amount, if not more. I used to hate "emo" when I was younger. That was when I was in my "I'm too hardcore for everything" stage, though. Ugh, I was missing out. At the same time, I don't think I could relate to the music as well as I can now. Kind of off subject, but it could kind of relate to the subject...I find it so weird that people are starting to be attracted to me (definitely not bragging). I mean, I'm just not used to it. It's nice though. I just think, no matter what people say, I'll always not be good enough for my own good. I still look in the mirror in disgust at times. I've got issues, and I've been trying to change that, but I think I've come to the conclusion that my issue is that I'll always feel like I can be better...if that makes sense. I don't know. Life is so confusing at times.

I went to go and see if I was qualified for financial aid for college today, and I am eligible. I'm happy because I don't want my parents to pay for anything. I'm going to start going to school in the Fall. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing with myself. Is it even possible for me to become a teacher of sorts? Or even a counselor? Who knows. It's possible I suppose, I just don't know if I could.

This post is so weird and confusing but it's exactly my thoughts at this moment.

I've been thinking about people from my past and sometimes I feel this feeling of regret or sadness because things aren't like they were back then. But then I realize that they're probably better off without me in their life or vise versa.

"down here we're caught under the waste of our dilutions that fell among the quake. help me try to understand the great diversion that came and tore us down. lean onto me, lean into you. comfort i once knew slowly disappears. reverberate, shaking at the core. holding up your own by letting go our grasp. don't say a thing, don't move a word. shallow like your breath you hold while you're under these lights that bury you. we claw and mark like animals, they show the scars we hide too well. notice you're awake dreaming while you walk. halls we create are closing in on us. you're tired so let's turn the lights out. you're tired so let's shut it off. it's time to count all the victims that were caught in our last explosion. we are the couple called suicide. we are the red cross white flag. you're tired so let's turn the lights out, you're tired so let's shut it off. "

That is all,
XadrianX