I have good days and I have bad days, today was more of the latter. I woke up feeling a little off but I tried to shake it to keep my self from self sabotage. Well, here I am in my cave listening to depressing compositions with 3 sleeping pills in my body nodding off waiting for them to take me to bed completely.
I think they're working. Hopefully these keep me down for the night.
There was no point to this confession/post.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Through the wind...
I often find my self thinking about why I do the things I do. Why do I play music? Why do I enjoy creating an extension of my dark emotions to listen to over and over and over, looping them and adding to them, trying to make them darker, louder, quieter, more subtle, more abrasive, or more listenable. Writing music for me has always been a way to purge my self of what is in my head, but I've recently been entrenched in making what's in my head bigger and stronger, so much that I give it a life of its own. I can only liken it to a dog disobeying its master, eventually its primal nature kicks in and it turns on you. That's what music does to me, although I never thought my music would have the power to do that to me.
I decided that I wanted to create a song that encompasses how I've been feeling lately...I'm at the 12 minute mark and the people I have shown have told me it was dark. I'm going to see how long this song will be...I'm not done with it until I feel like it's done being written.
This post was originally written about a week ago, I drafted it cause I didn't want to write on it anymore.
Here I am a week later, I haven't worked on that song lately...the song title is called "Nothing's Sacred". The title is pretty self explanatory.
It's funny to think about how much my life has changed since...well...since yesterday and the day before and so on and so forth. I would rather spend my time inside my room listening to records, allowing my self to get in my head (embracing it); than be out or around people to take my mind off of everything going on inside my head (rejecting it). I was in a very dark place the other week, one not unlike the ones I used to go to when I was unmedicated, it's a humbling feeling; to know that your bodies chemistry can control you that much, nature dictating your life and literally having your life be at the mercy of nature. I suppose life is funny like that, right?
In other news Children Of God recorded an LP. Since this is my personal blog, I don't care about spoiling anything (nothing to spoil) because no one reads this thing (no one to spoil it to). The album's title is called "We Set Fire To The Sky". The lyrical content of this record is a lot more personal and introspective than anything else I've written and at times the lyrics are not coherent but that doesn't matter to me as I mostly write these words to get my thoughts on paper. I chose the album title because I think that we as a species being so small in the grand scheme of things (although the most destructive) look to the sky for answers, whether it's studying the stars or believing in Christ we see the sky as our life line and answerer of all the questions we have. When I thought of the name I liked the visual idea of literally setting fire to the sky, setting fire to everything every one of us looks to for answers, because our answers can only be found within ourselves...and we can only come to any relevant conclusion for our life when we fully have an understanding of ourselves. So we set out to destroy everything on earth as a species, let's destroy our answers to life's questions, let's allow ourselves to have nothing to ask questions to, nothing but ourselves.
I decided that I wanted to create a song that encompasses how I've been feeling lately...I'm at the 12 minute mark and the people I have shown have told me it was dark. I'm going to see how long this song will be...I'm not done with it until I feel like it's done being written.
This post was originally written about a week ago, I drafted it cause I didn't want to write on it anymore.
Here I am a week later, I haven't worked on that song lately...the song title is called "Nothing's Sacred". The title is pretty self explanatory.
It's funny to think about how much my life has changed since...well...since yesterday and the day before and so on and so forth. I would rather spend my time inside my room listening to records, allowing my self to get in my head (embracing it); than be out or around people to take my mind off of everything going on inside my head (rejecting it). I was in a very dark place the other week, one not unlike the ones I used to go to when I was unmedicated, it's a humbling feeling; to know that your bodies chemistry can control you that much, nature dictating your life and literally having your life be at the mercy of nature. I suppose life is funny like that, right?
In other news Children Of God recorded an LP. Since this is my personal blog, I don't care about spoiling anything (nothing to spoil) because no one reads this thing (no one to spoil it to). The album's title is called "We Set Fire To The Sky". The lyrical content of this record is a lot more personal and introspective than anything else I've written and at times the lyrics are not coherent but that doesn't matter to me as I mostly write these words to get my thoughts on paper. I chose the album title because I think that we as a species being so small in the grand scheme of things (although the most destructive) look to the sky for answers, whether it's studying the stars or believing in Christ we see the sky as our life line and answerer of all the questions we have. When I thought of the name I liked the visual idea of literally setting fire to the sky, setting fire to everything every one of us looks to for answers, because our answers can only be found within ourselves...and we can only come to any relevant conclusion for our life when we fully have an understanding of ourselves. So we set out to destroy everything on earth as a species, let's destroy our answers to life's questions, let's allow ourselves to have nothing to ask questions to, nothing but ourselves.
I'm proud of this new record and I've always believed what Neurosis says: "If you don't make a record that you think eclipses your last record....then you've failed."
That's all.
That's all.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I've been...busy.
I don't remember the last time I wrote here, I suppose it's a good thing when you don't have the time to sit around and think about your on line blog that nobody reads. I'm really only writing in this because I woke up this morning only to realize my leg was hurting, so that means no cycling for me, no 6 AM rides, no terrible tan lines, no climbing hills asking my self "what the fuck are you doing to your self?". None of it and I'm bummed about it.
I suppose I should catch those of you who still read this up. I've traveled a bit here and there, been riding a lot, and creating a lot. There's something in me that drives me to want to always convey how I'm feeling through music, whether it's to an audience or it's for my own listening pleasure.
I just moved in to a new place, by work, by the beach, where I'm able to hole up in my room. I never had my own room until I was about 18. Then there's this big gap where I didn't and now I'm 24 and back at that point. I think I've grown accustomed to not having my own space, so I create to allow my self that space.
COG was writing for an LP and we just recorded, I'm very proud of this record. Lyrically it is unlike any thing else I've ever done. Musically, it is an evolution and collaboration of everything else I've done. I really am proud of this record. I have a good feeling about it. I don't see us headlining the main stage at any of your big fests any time soon but I know I like it. We are self releasing this record and it may or may not be a wise idea but I won't ever feel artistically fulfilled until I release my own record. The art work is done by Thomas Hooper. I don't think I can thank him enough for his contribution and dedication to art and the underground music scene. To have someone who's art I've always admired and who's done art work for bands like Neurosis and Doomriders and many other great artists, is truly a gift.
I recently saw Tim Hecker, Pan•American, and Loscil on one of my recent travels. Seeing performance artists like that is a completely new world. It felt great to sit at a show and just close my eyes and lose my self in the music. I couldn't stop listening to TH's Harmony In Ultraviolet for a week straight after that.
I think that is all for now.
I don't remember the last time I wrote here, I suppose it's a good thing when you don't have the time to sit around and think about your on line blog that nobody reads. I'm really only writing in this because I woke up this morning only to realize my leg was hurting, so that means no cycling for me, no 6 AM rides, no terrible tan lines, no climbing hills asking my self "what the fuck are you doing to your self?". None of it and I'm bummed about it.
I suppose I should catch those of you who still read this up. I've traveled a bit here and there, been riding a lot, and creating a lot. There's something in me that drives me to want to always convey how I'm feeling through music, whether it's to an audience or it's for my own listening pleasure.
I just moved in to a new place, by work, by the beach, where I'm able to hole up in my room. I never had my own room until I was about 18. Then there's this big gap where I didn't and now I'm 24 and back at that point. I think I've grown accustomed to not having my own space, so I create to allow my self that space.
COG was writing for an LP and we just recorded, I'm very proud of this record. Lyrically it is unlike any thing else I've ever done. Musically, it is an evolution and collaboration of everything else I've done. I really am proud of this record. I have a good feeling about it. I don't see us headlining the main stage at any of your big fests any time soon but I know I like it. We are self releasing this record and it may or may not be a wise idea but I won't ever feel artistically fulfilled until I release my own record. The art work is done by Thomas Hooper. I don't think I can thank him enough for his contribution and dedication to art and the underground music scene. To have someone who's art I've always admired and who's done art work for bands like Neurosis and Doomriders and many other great artists, is truly a gift.
I recently saw Tim Hecker, Pan•American, and Loscil on one of my recent travels. Seeing performance artists like that is a completely new world. It felt great to sit at a show and just close my eyes and lose my self in the music. I couldn't stop listening to TH's Harmony In Ultraviolet for a week straight after that.
I think that is all for now.
Monday, June 11, 2012
XXIV
Today is my date of birth.
Whenever this day approaches I sink into depression, close off, reflect, regret, whatever. I'm writing this from work, not by choice but because my co worker forgot that he was going to cover me. I usually ask for this day off not because I think I'm owed it, I just don't really like being around too many people today, so here I am. I hate the "it's my birthday" mentality that so many people feel entitled to, gifts, well wishes, good thoughts, cards, dinners, lunches, favors, drinks, and all that stuff. I don't really tell many people it's today but thanks to social media I feel thought about once a day. I'm grateful that people care, I just don't like that mentality that they owe it to me to say something nice today.
I saw Gorilla Biscuits and Quicksand yesterday at the Revelation showcase that was being held this weekend. It coincided perfectly with my turning of age. I was 14 when I was first introduced to a band on Revelation Records and that band was Gorilla Biscuits. Before I got into that era of hardcore I was a more metal influenced hardcore kid, considering that time period and the scene at the time I was introduced to some horrible stuff, some stuff I still like, and some stuff that I listen to cause of nostalgia but I understand the steps we all had to take to get to where we are. Last night was like a complete circle being made. It's been a long time since I've worn my Youth Of Today X'd up fist hoodie that I so proudly wore in high school and although I listen to Revelation bands a lot less than I used to, last night was the perfect night to re-visit that music. I got to stage dive to Gorilla Biscuits and sing along. I heard the opening trumpets of New Direction live. I used to sit in the backseat of my parents car while we were on road trips holding a cd player that had Start Today in it, reading the lyrics, looking at the pictures of people jumping around. Everything was so tangible then and now it's youtube, twitter, messageboards, instagram, and this. There's no need to be anywhere cause somewhere someone is writing about it. I suppose that's what separates the herd, people that still enjoy being somewhere and experiencing things as opposed to just hearing about it.
Quicksand was amazing, flawless, so fluid, Walter is one of the most talented musicians in the underground scene and I truly appreciate his music, his time, and dedication to his craft.
I'm done. If you're reading this, sorry to rant. Hope you all have a good June 11th.
Whenever this day approaches I sink into depression, close off, reflect, regret, whatever. I'm writing this from work, not by choice but because my co worker forgot that he was going to cover me. I usually ask for this day off not because I think I'm owed it, I just don't really like being around too many people today, so here I am. I hate the "it's my birthday" mentality that so many people feel entitled to, gifts, well wishes, good thoughts, cards, dinners, lunches, favors, drinks, and all that stuff. I don't really tell many people it's today but thanks to social media I feel thought about once a day. I'm grateful that people care, I just don't like that mentality that they owe it to me to say something nice today.
I saw Gorilla Biscuits and Quicksand yesterday at the Revelation showcase that was being held this weekend. It coincided perfectly with my turning of age. I was 14 when I was first introduced to a band on Revelation Records and that band was Gorilla Biscuits. Before I got into that era of hardcore I was a more metal influenced hardcore kid, considering that time period and the scene at the time I was introduced to some horrible stuff, some stuff I still like, and some stuff that I listen to cause of nostalgia but I understand the steps we all had to take to get to where we are. Last night was like a complete circle being made. It's been a long time since I've worn my Youth Of Today X'd up fist hoodie that I so proudly wore in high school and although I listen to Revelation bands a lot less than I used to, last night was the perfect night to re-visit that music. I got to stage dive to Gorilla Biscuits and sing along. I heard the opening trumpets of New Direction live. I used to sit in the backseat of my parents car while we were on road trips holding a cd player that had Start Today in it, reading the lyrics, looking at the pictures of people jumping around. Everything was so tangible then and now it's youtube, twitter, messageboards, instagram, and this. There's no need to be anywhere cause somewhere someone is writing about it. I suppose that's what separates the herd, people that still enjoy being somewhere and experiencing things as opposed to just hearing about it.
Quicksand was amazing, flawless, so fluid, Walter is one of the most talented musicians in the underground scene and I truly appreciate his music, his time, and dedication to his craft.
I'm done. If you're reading this, sorry to rant. Hope you all have a good June 11th.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Ambitions
It's been a while. I suppose now's a good time to do a recap on the year.
I can't believe 2011 is gone. Years go by fast for me now but the days go by particularly slow. It's crazy to think that I'm almost 24...almost. There's still time to do something drastic.
I got a lot done in 2011; particularly with my outlets and stress relievers. Musically I have grown and physically I'm in the best shape I have ever been in (still not where I want to be) my life. It's hard to pin point my accomplishments this year and what I've got done but it's been a lot.
COG released our split LP with Seven Sisters Of Sleep and I think it's done us well. COG has released one release per year since we've been a band and hopefully it stays that way. We aren't exactly a song writing or touring machine but that's kind of what I wanted to avoid. I never want to force creativity and I never want to hinder the true emotion that goes into playing the music (touring). I want every show to be unique in its own way and I want to feel honest every time we play the music. I honestly cannot see us ever touring on a large scale but I'm not completely against it. I'm content with playing one off shows every now and then and focusing on writing music we're all happy with.
I have jumped into cycling head first. I recently finished my first century (100 mile ride) and in a really good time. It helps having very fit friends to push you and inspire you. I have put in a ton of miles this year (4000+) and I can't get over how much it hurts/how good it feels when I ride my bike. I bit the bullet and invested in a new bike this year and it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. If I keep up with my ride averages or if I get faster I might start to gain enough confidence to ride in a race or something. A triathlon is still my main goal but cycling is just that, it's cycling...as fast as you can for about 2-3 hours and feeling that lactate build up in your legs and asking your self "what the fuck do I do to my self?" every 30 minutes. If you aren't suffering...you aren't cycling, you're just riding your bike.
I got to see a lot of fucking cool bands this year and had a lot of amazing musical inspirations click in my head. I also got to see (and touch) Morrissey again which has always been a pleasure. Seeing Neurosis twice this year was one of the coolest things I have ever gotten to do. I saw Scott Kelly play in this small little bar in Long Beach about a month ago and that definitely got my urge to release some sort of "solo" stuff soon...I've just been too busy. I got to play with my friends bands more notably Brave Young and I finally made a trip out there to see them...I love those guys with all my heart.
I also went through a few of the toughest points in my life so far (it only gets worse) with losing loved ones and almost losing my self. Every day is a struggle but somehow some way I find the strength to wake up at ungodly hours and keep pushing.
I try to appreciate all the times I don't feel like shit (I'm distracted) and try to hold on to them for as long as possible.
NEWS:
So on to this new year...with new years comes new aspirations, new disappointments, new obstacles, new victories and a lot more defeats but while I'm stuck on this greying rock what the hell else am I going to do?
COG will be getting a practice space very soon and that means we will be going into hibernation mode to finish writing our new record. If you've seen us lately we have been playing a couple of songs that will be on this new record and they are very...different but it is all part of the evolution. We will be incorporating visuals into our shows after this record comes out. These are all part of an experience that I want people to walk away with, I want people to be upset that they have to sit through our set or I want them to "get" what we're doing and enjoy everything that we're doing. I think this band will be a whole new monster after this year and it can only get better in my eyes as a search for more in depth self reflection just brings songs out of us...I just want honest art now and these days it's hard to come in contact with that.
I want to write more this year...hopefully time lends itself to me...or rather creativity allows me to accomplish this.
I'm done.
I'll try not to be a stranger...
I can't believe 2011 is gone. Years go by fast for me now but the days go by particularly slow. It's crazy to think that I'm almost 24...almost. There's still time to do something drastic.
I got a lot done in 2011; particularly with my outlets and stress relievers. Musically I have grown and physically I'm in the best shape I have ever been in (still not where I want to be) my life. It's hard to pin point my accomplishments this year and what I've got done but it's been a lot.
COG released our split LP with Seven Sisters Of Sleep and I think it's done us well. COG has released one release per year since we've been a band and hopefully it stays that way. We aren't exactly a song writing or touring machine but that's kind of what I wanted to avoid. I never want to force creativity and I never want to hinder the true emotion that goes into playing the music (touring). I want every show to be unique in its own way and I want to feel honest every time we play the music. I honestly cannot see us ever touring on a large scale but I'm not completely against it. I'm content with playing one off shows every now and then and focusing on writing music we're all happy with.
I have jumped into cycling head first. I recently finished my first century (100 mile ride) and in a really good time. It helps having very fit friends to push you and inspire you. I have put in a ton of miles this year (4000+) and I can't get over how much it hurts/how good it feels when I ride my bike. I bit the bullet and invested in a new bike this year and it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. If I keep up with my ride averages or if I get faster I might start to gain enough confidence to ride in a race or something. A triathlon is still my main goal but cycling is just that, it's cycling...as fast as you can for about 2-3 hours and feeling that lactate build up in your legs and asking your self "what the fuck do I do to my self?" every 30 minutes. If you aren't suffering...you aren't cycling, you're just riding your bike.
I got to see a lot of fucking cool bands this year and had a lot of amazing musical inspirations click in my head. I also got to see (and touch) Morrissey again which has always been a pleasure. Seeing Neurosis twice this year was one of the coolest things I have ever gotten to do. I saw Scott Kelly play in this small little bar in Long Beach about a month ago and that definitely got my urge to release some sort of "solo" stuff soon...I've just been too busy. I got to play with my friends bands more notably Brave Young and I finally made a trip out there to see them...I love those guys with all my heart.
I also went through a few of the toughest points in my life so far (it only gets worse) with losing loved ones and almost losing my self. Every day is a struggle but somehow some way I find the strength to wake up at ungodly hours and keep pushing.
I try to appreciate all the times I don't feel like shit (I'm distracted) and try to hold on to them for as long as possible.
NEWS:
So on to this new year...with new years comes new aspirations, new disappointments, new obstacles, new victories and a lot more defeats but while I'm stuck on this greying rock what the hell else am I going to do?
COG will be getting a practice space very soon and that means we will be going into hibernation mode to finish writing our new record. If you've seen us lately we have been playing a couple of songs that will be on this new record and they are very...different but it is all part of the evolution. We will be incorporating visuals into our shows after this record comes out. These are all part of an experience that I want people to walk away with, I want people to be upset that they have to sit through our set or I want them to "get" what we're doing and enjoy everything that we're doing. I think this band will be a whole new monster after this year and it can only get better in my eyes as a search for more in depth self reflection just brings songs out of us...I just want honest art now and these days it's hard to come in contact with that.
I want to write more this year...hopefully time lends itself to me...or rather creativity allows me to accomplish this.
I'm done.
I'll try not to be a stranger...
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