Distance and Meaning.

I've been thinking a lot about my involvement with activists and the activist circle that I am somehow included in.
I am very appreciative of the people who fight for the things they fight for. I'm also very appreciative of those who support the ones who are taken out by the federal government. Every time one of them gets taken out, there are many more to take their place in the ranks. It's uplifting in that sense, and believe me I can go on and on about the many great things about all these people do for animals and the earth, but I'd rather not wander too far off my original reason as to why I'm posting this.

In my short time involved in the punk and hardcore scene, I have always noticed the re occurring theme of social hierarchy's. Much like high school, there are always the few that are looked up to, to set some sort of example or to always be that "white knight" that people idolize and long to have their acceptance or to even be acknowledged by. I see people sacrifice every ethical view they have just to befriend people who are accepted by the masses for certain things they have achieved in the past. Granted I give them credit for their accomplishments, it still does not mean that they are free of consequence. I believe that activists should be critical of each other in every form of the word. Especially when it comes to how they treat other people and the lasting effects it has on those people. Let's not kid your selves here, you are not as tight nit of a group as you'd all like to think. I'd like to tell you all that I have faith in the world, and that I have faith in the community that I surround my self in, and that I have faith in you...but I simply can't lie to you. I'm sick of the contradicting attitudes and social circles and cliches. I was never part of that, and if I somehow gave that impression that I was then let me tell you...I've always felt isolated when I was around. I've never once considered my self on your side. I have the same ideas as you, I think the same as you, but I'm not you, I'm not like you and I'll never want to be like you. All your friends and all your idols and martyrs will never be mine.

Ask, Answer.

How can I write what I feel with out someone getting hurt? Without the tail end of the last word being that final nail on the coffin. I'm lost between the beginning and the end and the end seems a lot more desirable at this very moment, or at any moment. I don't want to try and work on things, I want things to work. I don't want to compromise, I want to do things my way. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I want to be left alone in my room with nothing to do, with the world wanting me to come out.
When it's here it isn't enough, but when it's gone it's never coming back.
This is why I don't get involved, I ruin people. I make them take my everything, my self loathing, my jadedness, my selfishness, my habits, my anti social tendencies, my sociopath like frame of mind, my reclusion, everything bad in a person and nothing good to come out. I look into your past and I judge you on that. Your past makes you who you are, in the worst way for me. I have no past. I forget it. Erase it. Bury it. Burn it. So you can't do what I do to you. I have nothing to be ashamed of except my present position. Always looking down. Always looking away.
Turn off the lights because I don't want to live anymore.

In writing.

I'm not so sure about the future anymore. With every little problem going on in the world to every little problem going on in my head, it all adds up to one big problem I can't escape. What happened to me? What happened to us? This might just be the beginning of the end, for me at least. Everyday is like a bullet in the head and another knife at the throat of hope. See? This is what I mean. Scattered thoughts for a cluster fuck of a life that is mine. I wish things were easy. I wish I could explain with out saying too much or too little. Or I wish I can just be happy with the way things are in life. But I was never one to take things the easy way. Insecurities are building up in me. I don't want them to share the moments we have. I don't want to share the same thoughts as them. I know I'm not in love and I'm afraid it will always be a one way road. And at the risk of sounding trite, it's not you it's me. I'm incapable of ever loving someone. You deserve someone who can do the same to you as you do to me. I'm incomplete, eternally.

Not now, not ever.

What's left when no matter what anyone says it doesn't change your mind about your self? I'm afraid I'll never know how to truly be happy with my self or my situation in life.









No, I can't explain this to you because it's different for everyone but I feel like I'm drowning face down in the bathtub. Too weak to pick my head up. This is the voice of nothing. Nothing left to gain. And I'm standing here screaming my lungs out just to ease the pain. The more I fight, the more I fail. Exhaustion. Letting go. But I have learned that healing is something that happens, not something that you do. Pick a scar and tell a story. I'll tell you one of my own about addiction and self-loathing and a lack of self-control and the cuts I couldn't leave alone. So I pick my flesh straight down to the bone. A compulsion. A failed attempt to regain control. Some things are out of our hands. Dream scapes in orange remind me that the cure for pain, is to take the pain. So in my head I just keep repeating, "This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass." Life. Love. Remorse. Regret. Lost hope. This too shall pass. As this life began, so shall it end.

Shipwrecked, yet still docked.

I’ve searched and I’ve begged and nothing ever came. I found my fulfillment at the bottom of the barrel. I lost love to this sick old world. I sing this song for those who have strength. I know I don’t. I know I’m not the same. I sing this song in honor of my past lives, who lived on without me and never thought twice. I’m drowning in this sea of misery. I’m being pulled out to shipwrecked seas. Save me by sinking me. Dark water’s ahead. I’m sinking. I sing this song for those who have the strength, I know I don’t. I know I’m not the same. I sing this song to mourn my past lives, who lived on without me and never thought twice.

I'm positive it's all going to turn out negative.

I'm lying here in bed with my eyes fixed on the screen watching this curser blink and blink. Life is good some days and bad the next. I don't know where I'm going, where I'm staying, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, who I'm feeling.
I'm a complete wreck on the inside, but I'm totally sane on the outside...well, hardly. I'm tired and lonely. And I start to feel weak at the thought of feeling this way forever, even if I'm in someones company. I'm afraid I'll lose my self in someone else. I don't see why anyone would want to give me the time of day and I secretly wish they would. I'll never be a permanent part of someones life, because I never really want to be. I'm like a tumor, if you don't get rid of me...I'll do it for you.
The closer we get, the further I feel. I can't trust anyone. I can't trust my self not to mess things up for my self.


I'm just going to prepare for the inevitable.

For you. For me.

I'm low on energy, it's killing me. I told you, if it's me or nothing - choose nothing. I'm afraid I'm going to die and leave something behind. If you see me, just walk away because saying nothing is better than speaking. I'd rather die than have some one ask me "why?" one more time. I'd rather die than meet some one new one more time. I'm lonely and it's killing me. Maybe I'll never be happy. I'll crawl out the window, cut the life line, kick the chair out from under me, pull the plug, whatever that means. Don't say "hi" to me. I'd rather die.