Dear Reader,
I wanted to warn you of everything before it got too late. I want to tell you how everything we ever say becomes parrallel to how what feel in the end. And all the words we meant just end up becoming regrets. I wasn't born this way. I was made this way. I want to tell you that just like them, you'll be another regret. I can't help but feel it.
When you're this far from heaven you can't help but feel like you belong to hell.
I'm telling you this post trauma because I didn't want to ruin the moment. I write these words to remind me to tell the next one...fuck it. There won't be a next one. I write these because it's not fair to you to let you go with out an explanation. I was a child turned wolf. I'm no longer wolf. I'm not even a man. I'm a shell stuck inside of a shell, inside of a shell.
When you're this far from heaven, you can't help but want to go to hell.
I'm staring at the sun one more time. This time I hope I go blind. This time I hope I really die. Heaven doesn't want me and hell doesn't need me. I don't need me.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Shortcomings.
Here I am again.
This is my blog where you all can read what I'm thinking about. For you readers, if I seem at all interesting, don't think for a second that I am. I'm far from it. Every thing I do is something I have done and will continue to do for ever. Self sabotage. I know it too well. Everything ends before it even begins. So don't try to begin anything with me. Maybe I do it to my self cause I want to be alone. Maybe the entire world is wrong in thinking that they're meant to be together forever. Maybe the un natural has become the natural and vise versa. I feel complete in misery. I was born into it. I will die in it.
I want to live in a place where it rains all the time so I can sit at home and have a good excuse to be my self. Where no one can blame it on a chemical imbalance. Where I won't have to leave a room full of everything I need. Give me a guitar, a note pad, records and leave me alone forever. I won't come out till I feel complete. (Never).
I don't have eyes. But I have a mind. It isn't much and doesn't think like you. But it's a mind and it's mine. Maybe I can't see. I do this to my self cause I can't see. I was born with 2 holes in my head. And maybe one day I'll be complete. But I'm not blaming anyone but me. I can't look at you when I speak cause I can't see. I'm doing to die alone and that's fine. I have 2 holes in my hands and 2 holes in my feet. A 3rd hole in my head will make me see.
This is my blog where you all can read what I'm thinking about. For you readers, if I seem at all interesting, don't think for a second that I am. I'm far from it. Every thing I do is something I have done and will continue to do for ever. Self sabotage. I know it too well. Everything ends before it even begins. So don't try to begin anything with me. Maybe I do it to my self cause I want to be alone. Maybe the entire world is wrong in thinking that they're meant to be together forever. Maybe the un natural has become the natural and vise versa. I feel complete in misery. I was born into it. I will die in it.
I want to live in a place where it rains all the time so I can sit at home and have a good excuse to be my self. Where no one can blame it on a chemical imbalance. Where I won't have to leave a room full of everything I need. Give me a guitar, a note pad, records and leave me alone forever. I won't come out till I feel complete. (Never).
I don't have eyes. But I have a mind. It isn't much and doesn't think like you. But it's a mind and it's mine. Maybe I can't see. I do this to my self cause I can't see. I was born with 2 holes in my head. And maybe one day I'll be complete. But I'm not blaming anyone but me. I can't look at you when I speak cause I can't see. I'm doing to die alone and that's fine. I have 2 holes in my hands and 2 holes in my feet. A 3rd hole in my head will make me see.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I haven't written in months.
I suppose that's a good thing when other things are going on, so much so you don't think about blogging on your computer.
Well...really not much has happened since my last post. I really can't remember what it was about.
Not much has happened since my last post I'm assuming.
Today wasn't so bad. I woke up did my morning routine of checking emails, message boards, myspaces, etc. Etc. and went running. I got back, showered, and got dressed to go grocery shopping. I like grocery shopping. I really enjoy it. I have one particular reason...and that is that I get whatever I want and however much I want. Talk to some employees and walk right out. Put everything in my trunk and head home. Although there's always something that I forget, this time it's quarters. Quarters to wash clothes. Now I have to start washing my clothes tonight and dry them...but not be able to pick them up til tomorrow because the association thinks it's a good idea for people not to do their laundry past 10. I'm beyond annoyed. Not to mention the fact that I was in the middle of a 30 question interview for 7 Gen and I had it "copied" and I accidently copied something else...so now the interview is erased. There is a god and he wants me to hate everything. I suppose that's what I get for being better than him.
Work was ok today. I dealt with the average customer who swelled too much, the annoying older lady, the weird older lady, the group of young kids who all smoke at the same time, the fainter, and the overly flirtatious people who think being a body piercer is a fullfilling life. Wrong. But it gets the job done. I have no life to fullfill anyway.
I got home too drained to run, to annoyed to do anything, took all three laundry baskets in one trip and now my back hurts. I'm complaining too much but really I don't care. I'm trying to think of ways to get that interview done and still be somewhat sane after it..yet still have articulate answers. What do you want from me?
I'm stuck between sleep and tomorrow already and I haven't even gone to sleep. I should sleep soon cause that's what I do. I sleep so I can fast forward the days. I close my eyes and wake up to a new day.
That's enough for now. I'm really going to try and not think about doing that interview.
I suppose that's a good thing when other things are going on, so much so you don't think about blogging on your computer.
Well...really not much has happened since my last post. I really can't remember what it was about.
Not much has happened since my last post I'm assuming.
Today wasn't so bad. I woke up did my morning routine of checking emails, message boards, myspaces, etc. Etc. and went running. I got back, showered, and got dressed to go grocery shopping. I like grocery shopping. I really enjoy it. I have one particular reason...and that is that I get whatever I want and however much I want. Talk to some employees and walk right out. Put everything in my trunk and head home. Although there's always something that I forget, this time it's quarters. Quarters to wash clothes. Now I have to start washing my clothes tonight and dry them...but not be able to pick them up til tomorrow because the association thinks it's a good idea for people not to do their laundry past 10. I'm beyond annoyed. Not to mention the fact that I was in the middle of a 30 question interview for 7 Gen and I had it "copied" and I accidently copied something else...so now the interview is erased. There is a god and he wants me to hate everything. I suppose that's what I get for being better than him.
Work was ok today. I dealt with the average customer who swelled too much, the annoying older lady, the weird older lady, the group of young kids who all smoke at the same time, the fainter, and the overly flirtatious people who think being a body piercer is a fullfilling life. Wrong. But it gets the job done. I have no life to fullfill anyway.
I got home too drained to run, to annoyed to do anything, took all three laundry baskets in one trip and now my back hurts. I'm complaining too much but really I don't care. I'm trying to think of ways to get that interview done and still be somewhat sane after it..yet still have articulate answers. What do you want from me?
I'm stuck between sleep and tomorrow already and I haven't even gone to sleep. I should sleep soon cause that's what I do. I sleep so I can fast forward the days. I close my eyes and wake up to a new day.
That's enough for now. I'm really going to try and not think about doing that interview.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Distance and Meaning.
I've been thinking a lot about my involvement with activists and the activist circle that I am somehow included in.
I am very appreciative of the people who fight for the things they fight for. I'm also very appreciative of those who support the ones who are taken out by the federal government. Every time one of them gets taken out, there are many more to take their place in the ranks. It's uplifting in that sense, and believe me I can go on and on about the many great things about all these people do for animals and the earth, but I'd rather not wander too far off my original reason as to why I'm posting this.
In my short time involved in the punk and hardcore scene, I have always noticed the re occurring theme of social hierarchy's. Much like high school, there are always the few that are looked up to, to set some sort of example or to always be that "white knight" that people idolize and long to have their acceptance or to even be acknowledged by. I see people sacrifice every ethical view they have just to befriend people who are accepted by the masses for certain things they have achieved in the past. Granted I give them credit for their accomplishments, it still does not mean that they are free of consequence. I believe that activists should be critical of each other in every form of the word. Especially when it comes to how they treat other people and the lasting effects it has on those people. Let's not kid your selves here, you are not as tight nit of a group as you'd all like to think. I'd like to tell you all that I have faith in the world, and that I have faith in the community that I surround my self in, and that I have faith in you...but I simply can't lie to you. I'm sick of the contradicting attitudes and social circles and cliches. I was never part of that, and if I somehow gave that impression that I was then let me tell you...I've always felt isolated when I was around. I've never once considered my self on your side. I have the same ideas as you, I think the same as you, but I'm not you, I'm not like you and I'll never want to be like you. All your friends and all your idols and martyrs will never be mine.
I am very appreciative of the people who fight for the things they fight for. I'm also very appreciative of those who support the ones who are taken out by the federal government. Every time one of them gets taken out, there are many more to take their place in the ranks. It's uplifting in that sense, and believe me I can go on and on about the many great things about all these people do for animals and the earth, but I'd rather not wander too far off my original reason as to why I'm posting this.
In my short time involved in the punk and hardcore scene, I have always noticed the re occurring theme of social hierarchy's. Much like high school, there are always the few that are looked up to, to set some sort of example or to always be that "white knight" that people idolize and long to have their acceptance or to even be acknowledged by. I see people sacrifice every ethical view they have just to befriend people who are accepted by the masses for certain things they have achieved in the past. Granted I give them credit for their accomplishments, it still does not mean that they are free of consequence. I believe that activists should be critical of each other in every form of the word. Especially when it comes to how they treat other people and the lasting effects it has on those people. Let's not kid your selves here, you are not as tight nit of a group as you'd all like to think. I'd like to tell you all that I have faith in the world, and that I have faith in the community that I surround my self in, and that I have faith in you...but I simply can't lie to you. I'm sick of the contradicting attitudes and social circles and cliches. I was never part of that, and if I somehow gave that impression that I was then let me tell you...I've always felt isolated when I was around. I've never once considered my self on your side. I have the same ideas as you, I think the same as you, but I'm not you, I'm not like you and I'll never want to be like you. All your friends and all your idols and martyrs will never be mine.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Ask, Answer.
How can I write what I feel with out someone getting hurt? Without the tail end of the last word being that final nail on the coffin. I'm lost between the beginning and the end and the end seems a lot more desirable at this very moment, or at any moment. I don't want to try and work on things, I want things to work. I don't want to compromise, I want to do things my way. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I want to be left alone in my room with nothing to do, with the world wanting me to come out.
When it's here it isn't enough, but when it's gone it's never coming back.
This is why I don't get involved, I ruin people. I make them take my everything, my self loathing, my jadedness, my selfishness, my habits, my anti social tendencies, my sociopath like frame of mind, my reclusion, everything bad in a person and nothing good to come out. I look into your past and I judge you on that. Your past makes you who you are, in the worst way for me. I have no past. I forget it. Erase it. Bury it. Burn it. So you can't do what I do to you. I have nothing to be ashamed of except my present position. Always looking down. Always looking away.
Turn off the lights because I don't want to live anymore.
When it's here it isn't enough, but when it's gone it's never coming back.
This is why I don't get involved, I ruin people. I make them take my everything, my self loathing, my jadedness, my selfishness, my habits, my anti social tendencies, my sociopath like frame of mind, my reclusion, everything bad in a person and nothing good to come out. I look into your past and I judge you on that. Your past makes you who you are, in the worst way for me. I have no past. I forget it. Erase it. Bury it. Burn it. So you can't do what I do to you. I have nothing to be ashamed of except my present position. Always looking down. Always looking away.
Turn off the lights because I don't want to live anymore.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
In writing.
I'm not so sure about the future anymore. With every little problem going on in the world to every little problem going on in my head, it all adds up to one big problem I can't escape. What happened to me? What happened to us? This might just be the beginning of the end, for me at least. Everyday is like a bullet in the head and another knife at the throat of hope. See? This is what I mean. Scattered thoughts for a cluster fuck of a life that is mine. I wish things were easy. I wish I could explain with out saying too much or too little. Or I wish I can just be happy with the way things are in life. But I was never one to take things the easy way. Insecurities are building up in me. I don't want them to share the moments we have. I don't want to share the same thoughts as them. I know I'm not in love and I'm afraid it will always be a one way road. And at the risk of sounding trite, it's not you it's me. I'm incapable of ever loving someone. You deserve someone who can do the same to you as you do to me. I'm incomplete, eternally.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Not now, not ever.
What's left when no matter what anyone says it doesn't change your mind about your self? I'm afraid I'll never know how to truly be happy with my self or my situation in life.
No, I can't explain this to you because it's different for everyone but I feel like I'm drowning face down in the bathtub. Too weak to pick my head up. This is the voice of nothing. Nothing left to gain. And I'm standing here screaming my lungs out just to ease the pain. The more I fight, the more I fail. Exhaustion. Letting go. But I have learned that healing is something that happens, not something that you do. Pick a scar and tell a story. I'll tell you one of my own about addiction and self-loathing and a lack of self-control and the cuts I couldn't leave alone. So I pick my flesh straight down to the bone. A compulsion. A failed attempt to regain control. Some things are out of our hands. Dream scapes in orange remind me that the cure for pain, is to take the pain. So in my head I just keep repeating, "This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass." Life. Love. Remorse. Regret. Lost hope. This too shall pass. As this life began, so shall it end.
No, I can't explain this to you because it's different for everyone but I feel like I'm drowning face down in the bathtub. Too weak to pick my head up. This is the voice of nothing. Nothing left to gain. And I'm standing here screaming my lungs out just to ease the pain. The more I fight, the more I fail. Exhaustion. Letting go. But I have learned that healing is something that happens, not something that you do. Pick a scar and tell a story. I'll tell you one of my own about addiction and self-loathing and a lack of self-control and the cuts I couldn't leave alone. So I pick my flesh straight down to the bone. A compulsion. A failed attempt to regain control. Some things are out of our hands. Dream scapes in orange remind me that the cure for pain, is to take the pain. So in my head I just keep repeating, "This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass." Life. Love. Remorse. Regret. Lost hope. This too shall pass. As this life began, so shall it end.
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