rewind

today I had one of those "episodes". wake up, look in the mirror, hate what you see, move on with your day...or do you? your day drags on like paint dripping down a wall. it hasn't been like this in a while. you tell your self it's just an off day (but you know the feeling all to well) and it'll pass. look at the clock thinking half an hour passed by, no it's only been 5 minutes and you still feel the same. hopeless, depressed, anxious. maybe changing your medication routine wasn't such a good idea after all. your body needs to adapt to the sudden change and over time (which still seems to be going by slower and slower) the feeling of numbness will take over again. it's gotten worse since the last time i felt this way. i remember all too well that feeling of discomfort, not wanting to be around people, but not wanting to be with your self. it's a movie with the same train wreck of an ending being rewound over and over. then it hits you, you're now dependent on medication, something to sedate you, something to control you and now the stress builds on top of the weight holding you face down in that water. a year ago i was sitting at home in a closet writing the same thing i'm writing right now except with the help of meds. i'm not sure if it's worse now or if it was worse then. you can try to talk to me and i can pretend to listen, but i simply do not care. nothing going on inside of my head except the constant thought of trying to catch up with my self. complete apathy is the theme of the day. you don't care what you say, what they say, where you are, how you are, give in and give up. nothing matters anymore, life has no meaning for the day and you're as good as dead. you're no longer a functioning member of society (you never were) and if you looked in the mirror one more time you just might get the urge to vomit. it's ok though, "it'll pass" and tomorrow will be another day. i wish i had a dollar for every time i heard that one. your friends, your family, your loved ones, they don't matter today, you don't matter and you want the world to know.
maybe changing your medication routine wasn't such a good idea.