LI.

My insomnia-esque way of sleeping has been killing me recently. I used to not mind it but now I realized there really is no point to being awake. I try to fall asleep as fast as possible. I just wanted yesterday to end as soon as it began. I felt unmotivated to do anything or to say anything to anyone. I can't wait to get out of this house, I like my friends but I think I'm going to kill myself if I have to live another month here. I don't like being depressed around people who are having a good time, it's even more depressing. I just want to spend time in a room alone and not having people asking me how I'm doing so I'll have to lie to them.
I suppose I saw the end coming and I shouldn't be surprised in the slightest. You get a quick moment of relief knowing that the pain of heartache is just beginning rather than wondering when it's going to happen...well it's happening now and it catches you by surprise. Then again when have I ever gotten a fair warning about anything?
In other uninteresting news, 7 Generations is going into the studio to record our full length and I'm kind of optimistic? I've been lovesick for studio time for a long time...almost 4 years. Last time I was in the studio I was so depressed I couldn't even put into words how shitty I was feeling. Sitting in a room with 4 of my best friends (at the time) for 16 hours just watching some guy click around on the computer screen. It was exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things...or just dive into my problems and work them out by myself. I'm going in with Tim to help him record drums and then lay down the guitar tracks. I'm also pretty optimistic about tour...I shouldn't get myself stoked about anything...that's when heartache comes into the equation and I've had too much for now. I'm a train wreck that hasn't stopped pushing forward, piling more cars onto each other without any warning...no train signals, just coming out of left field. When will I end?

Truly mine,
Adrian

Overworked

My sleeping schedule has seriously become a nuisance, I can't sleep for a full night to save my life. Last night I went to bed early do to my excessive headache and I saw no reason to stay awake anymore. To no avail, I woke up 2 hours later and walked around a bit then went back to sleep. I then woke up another 2 hours later...and then another 2 hours later. I've been awake for about an hour and a half and the possibility of any sleep is bleak. My mind is racing and I feel like I should be doing something, but I have nothing to do. I'm kind of excited to move back out to my moms. I can have more money for spending on guitar stuff and other equipment. I've been in the process of writing "shoegazey" music and so far so good. I have the structures to a few songs down and I just need to work on them daily.

2 weeks ago I was one of the happiest people around and now I'm back down in my slump. Moving into my moms is going to help me get back into my hermit mode where I hardly eat and work out way too much for my own good. I hope I can get some decent sleep, it's all I ask...then again what have I ever gotten out of asking?

I've run out of things to talk about or I stopped caring.

P.S. There's got to be something wrong with dreaming about guitar heads every time you close your eyes.

Wasting in no ones arms,
Adrian

Life in regret.

Times have not been too kind to me (well, recently). I've been waking up every hour for the past 3 nights. My mind is always somewhere else when I'm somewhere else.

I told my room mates that I'm moving back into my moms house by the end of this month. We'll see how things go with that. I'll probably just dip back into my routine of being a manic depressive and eating unhealthy and running too much...who said that's a bad thing?

I watched a documentary called "The Bridge", it was about people who committed suicide off the golden gate bridge. Although it was depressing, I thought it was one of the most romantic things...it sounds strange to say. People killing them selves in front of hundreds of people. Next time I'm in the bay area I want to walk along that bridge, I haven't since I was 8 or so.

I have nothing else to write about, nothing else has a purpose.

Somewhere out there, I hope someone is having a good life...cause they're living one for me.

-XadrianX

Dislocation

I'm cutting off all my loose ends that amount to nothing more than dead weight. I can't see the good things, ever. Don't worry about me, I'll do what I need to do. I'm just here to be as tragic as I can be without getting too redundant (although I think I have passed that point). Tonight's Friday night, and for the first Friday since I can remember I'm not depressed. I'm just content. Dare I say excited...about tomorrow. I'm excited about tomorrow for the first time, since I was a little kid and "tomorrow" meant going to a theme park with my friends. I might just be content cause I got some awesome records in the mail today that are making me increasingly happy the more I think about them. I suppose this is the time I should tell you what records they are, but I'm not going to. I don't care to. Cause you don't matter. I'm thinking about something else. I'm thinking about someone else. This post doesn't matter. I'm getting out. I'm getting tired. I'm getting...fuck it, I don't care anymore.

Always Ill.

I'll start this entry off with a warning...here it is. There really is no point to this entry, I just feel like writing something, even if I make myself look like an idiot. It's not that hard.

So I'm writing this as my over head lamp (that is placed ever so conveniently over my bed) moves around from side to side from me hitting my head on it as I got up to turn off the light. I'm really a mess right now. But I'm fine with messes, just as long as they are not in my way.
Last night I called it quits early. I went to sleep at about 11:00 p.m. after eating our vegan versions of KFC's "bowls". The coma that ensued after our meal was too much for me to handle. My day basically went like this...Wake, shower, work, eat, sleep. Nothing more, nothing less. Yesterday was my moms birthday, she's almost 50. That's so crazy to think about. I get teary eyed just thinking about her life being half way over. I just got teary eyed typing that. Horrible.
Anyway, to avoid any rant about how I think my mom is the best person on this blue ball, and that how I think she should live forever, I'm going to stop talking about her (although I love her dearly).

This morning I woke up in extreme pain, at about 3 in the morning. I've been up since. I don't know what's wrong with me. I woke up and my stomach didn't hurt, my head didn't hurt, I didn't hit my head on the wall from a dream I was having. I just hurt and I don't know why. I've been up since then. I played some Tony Hawk Pro Skater, read, listened to music, looked at my records, I did everything I could to kill time and or fall asleep and nothing was working. In about an hour I'm about to consume some of the best vegan food anyone can eat. I'm going to bring some for my boss, his life isn't looking so great either and it's bumming me out. He's gone through more shit in the past 25 days then I have ever had to in 19 years of my life. Let me tell you, if it were me, I wouldn't be writing this blog. Someone would be writing this blog about me...whatever that means. It sounded better in my head.

Today is Friday, my worst day. I hate this day. I always have and always will. It will probably end up with me sitting in my room writing about how much I hate this day. Or it might end in me heading to the movies alone to watch a movie, or two, or three. Either way, fuck Fridays.

Day 9/Fin.

Well, tour ended two days ago. I've just been semi busy since I've got home picking up where I left off. I'll recap the last days.

Since I last wrote in this, I was laying down on the back bench of the van, half asleep. I fell asleep very shortly after having typed that. I woke up through out random times in the night hearing blink 182 and no doubt being played loudly as we drove through Nevada. I then woke up about 100 miles out of Vegas. Bryan was falling asleep at 8 in the morning while driving the van, so I told him I'll drive. I drove us to vegas where we stopped at yet another vegan donut shop. To be honest, I was skeptical...but numerous and very trustworthy sources have verified that they are in fact vegan donuts. Kevan and Eric got dozens of donuts, Eric got 2 dozen and a dozen donut holes. It was perfect timing too, right in the morning and they made you feel guilty for having ate them. The donuts definitely reminded me of when I was a little kid and when I used to go to the donut shop down town with my dad to get donuts. If you're in vegas then I definitely suggest you check the place out, it's the only thing worth going to vegas for. So after our donut stop we started on our long treck to Arizona. I drove us on the Hoover damn, Thomas was way stoked on it. He even called his mom to tell her that he was driving on it. We yelled terrorist threats on it, hoping to scare people but no one paid attention...figures. After the damn it was just a lot of desert. Some how Kevan and I convinces Thomas that we drove by the Grand Canyon (he really wanted to see it) while he was asleep. We had him going for about the rest of the day. It was definitely funny to see how upset he was...even though the closest we would get to it would be 200 miles away.

We got into Arizona around three and we went to 7Jens house to pick her up. She was our guide for the night. She showed us the way to American Apperal and Green, the restaurant (which is overrated). I got a new jacket at American Apperal which was nice and I got a small bowl which was disappointing, at Green. We then went to the house where the show was going to be. We hung around for awhile and sat in the random room that was playing the original "dawn of the dead" movie. I'm always up for watching zombie movies. Eventually people got there and I saw old friends. The show started with two openers then us and then a closer. Our set seemed to be the most well received, from what I could tell. I wasn't really paying attention to other bands, having to work stuff out with the guys. Anyways, thanks to the great man, John o'Hagen we made enough money to buy gas for us and then some, that meant no more paying gas out of our own pockets. After the show we went on a crazy adventure to find this really sketchy burrito place. It happened to be the place where I first ate at my first time touring to Arizona. I didn't get anything. We then went to 7Jens friends house (whos name escapes me at the moment) and stayed the night there. She had a nice apartment and she was nice as well. I woke up at 6 and showered and got dressed and woke people up. We were off to home, a 5 hour drive on the 8 down to san diego then back up through orange county to drop me off.

All in all the tour was bitter sweet. I met some nice people who have probably forgotten about me already. Now I'm sitting in my room writing this at 2 a.m. not being able to sleep because there's too much on my mind. I think this is all I have for now.


I'm all love sick for broken white lines,
XadrianX

Day 7/8.

So I've been horrible at keeping this thing updated on a day to day basis. I'll start off where I left off, in the van on our way to redding from Portland Oregon. What can I say? We drove for 10 hours straight. The only thing that happened that was exciting enough to write about was both vans stopping at an exit where there was an abandoned cafe, where we smashed the windows and broke stuff. That was way fun. Nothing else too exciting happened. Joey, from the Separation came into our van with us. I wasn't awake for most of the conversations him and everyone in the van were having.

10 hours later we get home and we have lasagna baked and ready for us. The lasagna was good but the cake they made was fantastic. We all fell asleep pretty early. I know I did.

This morning I woke up at 7 for no apperant reason. I showered and got dressed to leave. We all got up fairly early. We all waited around until noonish and then we headed to the local health food store. After, we went to a really good burrito place in redding. We had to pick up Joey and Harry. The burritos were awesome.

After the burrito place we headed to the gas station and then we were off. It was raining too hard for me to drive comfortably, but I did it any way. The drive was good except for the last hour. We were driving through the mountaints, where we had to drive with chains on our tires. It was just very slow moving and frustrating to drive with chains on our tires.

We finally got to the house we were playing at. The kid was awesome because they recently dumpstered the odwalla factory and they had a grip load of drinks waiting for us. They also cooked for us. I was stoked. Finally we set up but my amp was annoying me so I wasn't really excited about playing, but I did what I had to do. Then the Separation got on and they blew me away as always. The band its self is awesome and them as people rule. I definitely have had the best times on tour with those guys. Tonight wa sour last night with them and it was depressing to let them go. I hope they play some shows with us down south soon. As I said it was depressing saying goodbye to all those guys.

I am sitting in the van right now on our 12 hour drive on our way to phoenix Arizona for our last show of the tour. It doesn't feel like the tour since we aren't playing with the Separation. I can't wait to see them again. I'm come home tomorrow.

P.s. We got the separations van one last time with a chocolate protein odwalla all over their window.

My life is an endless succession of people saying "goodbye",
XadrianX