Shortcomings.

Dear Reader,

I wanted to warn you of everything before it got too late. I want to tell you how everything we ever say becomes parrallel to how what feel in the end. And all the words we meant just end up becoming regrets. I wasn't born this way. I was made this way. I want to tell you that just like them, you'll be another regret. I can't help but feel it.
When you're this far from heaven you can't help but feel like you belong to hell.
I'm telling you this post trauma because I didn't want to ruin the moment. I write these words to remind me to tell the next one...fuck it. There won't be a next one. I write these because it's not fair to you to let you go with out an explanation. I was a child turned wolf. I'm no longer wolf. I'm not even a man. I'm a shell stuck inside of a shell, inside of a shell.
When you're this far from heaven, you can't help but want to go to hell.
I'm staring at the sun one more time. This time I hope I go blind. This time I hope I really die. Heaven doesn't want me and hell doesn't need me. I don't need me.

Shortcomings.

Here I am again.

This is my blog where you all can read what I'm thinking about. For you readers, if I seem at all interesting, don't think for a second that I am. I'm far from it. Every thing I do is something I have done and will continue to do for ever. Self sabotage. I know it too well. Everything ends before it even begins. So don't try to begin anything with me. Maybe I do it to my self cause I want to be alone. Maybe the entire world is wrong in thinking that they're meant to be together forever. Maybe the un natural has become the natural and vise versa. I feel complete in misery. I was born into it. I will die in it.

I want to live in a place where it rains all the time so I can sit at home and have a good excuse to be my self. Where no one can blame it on a chemical imbalance. Where I won't have to leave a room full of everything I need. Give me a guitar, a note pad, records and leave me alone forever. I won't come out till I feel complete. (Never).

I don't have eyes. But I have a mind. It isn't much and doesn't think like you. But it's a mind and it's mine. Maybe I can't see. I do this to my self cause I can't see. I was born with 2 holes in my head. And maybe one day I'll be complete. But I'm not blaming anyone but me. I can't look at you when I speak cause I can't see. I'm doing to die alone and that's fine. I have 2 holes in my hands and 2 holes in my feet. A 3rd hole in my head will make me see.

I haven't written in months.

I suppose that's a good thing when other things are going on, so much so you don't think about blogging on your computer.

Well...really not much has happened since my last post. I really can't remember what it was about.

Not much has happened since my last post I'm assuming.

Today wasn't so bad. I woke up did my morning routine of checking emails, message boards, myspaces, etc. Etc. and went running. I got back, showered, and got dressed to go grocery shopping. I like grocery shopping. I really enjoy it. I have one particular reason...and that is that I get whatever I want and however much I want. Talk to some employees and walk right out. Put everything in my trunk and head home. Although there's always something that I forget, this time it's quarters. Quarters to wash clothes. Now I have to start washing my clothes tonight and dry them...but not be able to pick them up til tomorrow because the association thinks it's a good idea for people not to do their laundry past 10. I'm beyond annoyed. Not to mention the fact that I was in the middle of a 30 question interview for 7 Gen and I had it "copied" and I accidently copied something else...so now the interview is erased. There is a god and he wants me to hate everything. I suppose that's what I get for being better than him.
Work was ok today. I dealt with the average customer who swelled too much, the annoying older lady, the weird older lady, the group of young kids who all smoke at the same time, the fainter, and the overly flirtatious people who think being a body piercer is a fullfilling life. Wrong. But it gets the job done. I have no life to fullfill anyway.
I got home too drained to run, to annoyed to do anything, took all three laundry baskets in one trip and now my back hurts. I'm complaining too much but really I don't care. I'm trying to think of ways to get that interview done and still be somewhat sane after it..yet still have articulate answers. What do you want from me?
I'm stuck between sleep and tomorrow already and I haven't even gone to sleep. I should sleep soon cause that's what I do. I sleep so I can fast forward the days. I close my eyes and wake up to a new day.

That's enough for now. I'm really going to try and not think about doing that interview.

Distance and Meaning.

I've been thinking a lot about my involvement with activists and the activist circle that I am somehow included in.
I am very appreciative of the people who fight for the things they fight for. I'm also very appreciative of those who support the ones who are taken out by the federal government. Every time one of them gets taken out, there are many more to take their place in the ranks. It's uplifting in that sense, and believe me I can go on and on about the many great things about all these people do for animals and the earth, but I'd rather not wander too far off my original reason as to why I'm posting this.

In my short time involved in the punk and hardcore scene, I have always noticed the re occurring theme of social hierarchy's. Much like high school, there are always the few that are looked up to, to set some sort of example or to always be that "white knight" that people idolize and long to have their acceptance or to even be acknowledged by. I see people sacrifice every ethical view they have just to befriend people who are accepted by the masses for certain things they have achieved in the past. Granted I give them credit for their accomplishments, it still does not mean that they are free of consequence. I believe that activists should be critical of each other in every form of the word. Especially when it comes to how they treat other people and the lasting effects it has on those people. Let's not kid your selves here, you are not as tight nit of a group as you'd all like to think. I'd like to tell you all that I have faith in the world, and that I have faith in the community that I surround my self in, and that I have faith in you...but I simply can't lie to you. I'm sick of the contradicting attitudes and social circles and cliches. I was never part of that, and if I somehow gave that impression that I was then let me tell you...I've always felt isolated when I was around. I've never once considered my self on your side. I have the same ideas as you, I think the same as you, but I'm not you, I'm not like you and I'll never want to be like you. All your friends and all your idols and martyrs will never be mine.

Ask, Answer.

How can I write what I feel with out someone getting hurt? Without the tail end of the last word being that final nail on the coffin. I'm lost between the beginning and the end and the end seems a lot more desirable at this very moment, or at any moment. I don't want to try and work on things, I want things to work. I don't want to compromise, I want to do things my way. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I want to be left alone in my room with nothing to do, with the world wanting me to come out.
When it's here it isn't enough, but when it's gone it's never coming back.
This is why I don't get involved, I ruin people. I make them take my everything, my self loathing, my jadedness, my selfishness, my habits, my anti social tendencies, my sociopath like frame of mind, my reclusion, everything bad in a person and nothing good to come out. I look into your past and I judge you on that. Your past makes you who you are, in the worst way for me. I have no past. I forget it. Erase it. Bury it. Burn it. So you can't do what I do to you. I have nothing to be ashamed of except my present position. Always looking down. Always looking away.
Turn off the lights because I don't want to live anymore.

In writing.

I'm not so sure about the future anymore. With every little problem going on in the world to every little problem going on in my head, it all adds up to one big problem I can't escape. What happened to me? What happened to us? This might just be the beginning of the end, for me at least. Everyday is like a bullet in the head and another knife at the throat of hope. See? This is what I mean. Scattered thoughts for a cluster fuck of a life that is mine. I wish things were easy. I wish I could explain with out saying too much or too little. Or I wish I can just be happy with the way things are in life. But I was never one to take things the easy way. Insecurities are building up in me. I don't want them to share the moments we have. I don't want to share the same thoughts as them. I know I'm not in love and I'm afraid it will always be a one way road. And at the risk of sounding trite, it's not you it's me. I'm incapable of ever loving someone. You deserve someone who can do the same to you as you do to me. I'm incomplete, eternally.

Not now, not ever.

What's left when no matter what anyone says it doesn't change your mind about your self? I'm afraid I'll never know how to truly be happy with my self or my situation in life.









No, I can't explain this to you because it's different for everyone but I feel like I'm drowning face down in the bathtub. Too weak to pick my head up. This is the voice of nothing. Nothing left to gain. And I'm standing here screaming my lungs out just to ease the pain. The more I fight, the more I fail. Exhaustion. Letting go. But I have learned that healing is something that happens, not something that you do. Pick a scar and tell a story. I'll tell you one of my own about addiction and self-loathing and a lack of self-control and the cuts I couldn't leave alone. So I pick my flesh straight down to the bone. A compulsion. A failed attempt to regain control. Some things are out of our hands. Dream scapes in orange remind me that the cure for pain, is to take the pain. So in my head I just keep repeating, "This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass." Life. Love. Remorse. Regret. Lost hope. This too shall pass. As this life began, so shall it end.

Shipwrecked, yet still docked.

I’ve searched and I’ve begged and nothing ever came. I found my fulfillment at the bottom of the barrel. I lost love to this sick old world. I sing this song for those who have strength. I know I don’t. I know I’m not the same. I sing this song in honor of my past lives, who lived on without me and never thought twice. I’m drowning in this sea of misery. I’m being pulled out to shipwrecked seas. Save me by sinking me. Dark water’s ahead. I’m sinking. I sing this song for those who have the strength, I know I don’t. I know I’m not the same. I sing this song to mourn my past lives, who lived on without me and never thought twice.

I'm positive it's all going to turn out negative.

I'm lying here in bed with my eyes fixed on the screen watching this curser blink and blink. Life is good some days and bad the next. I don't know where I'm going, where I'm staying, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, who I'm feeling.
I'm a complete wreck on the inside, but I'm totally sane on the outside...well, hardly. I'm tired and lonely. And I start to feel weak at the thought of feeling this way forever, even if I'm in someones company. I'm afraid I'll lose my self in someone else. I don't see why anyone would want to give me the time of day and I secretly wish they would. I'll never be a permanent part of someones life, because I never really want to be. I'm like a tumor, if you don't get rid of me...I'll do it for you.
The closer we get, the further I feel. I can't trust anyone. I can't trust my self not to mess things up for my self.


I'm just going to prepare for the inevitable.

For you. For me.

I'm low on energy, it's killing me. I told you, if it's me or nothing - choose nothing. I'm afraid I'm going to die and leave something behind. If you see me, just walk away because saying nothing is better than speaking. I'd rather die than have some one ask me "why?" one more time. I'd rather die than meet some one new one more time. I'm lonely and it's killing me. Maybe I'll never be happy. I'll crawl out the window, cut the life line, kick the chair out from under me, pull the plug, whatever that means. Don't say "hi" to me. I'd rather die.

The End II.

So as I lay here in a bed in Santa Cruz, I realize I never wrote an end of tour entry. I suppose every story needs an ending or every thing needs a conclusion. Where do I start?

Seattle:
We got into town and went to Sara's house. Her pit bull, blanche is possibly one of my favorite dogs ever to exist. She's a deaf, 65 pound pitbull who looks like shed kill you but is really one of the nicest dogs I have ever met. So we all rest up hours before the show and then we head to the venue. It's the same place 7 gen played on the first tour I roadied with them on. This time it seemed like no one cared though. I tend to like playing small shows, it weeds out the fakes, people who are just at shows just to go...not because they want something with substance. I'm not saying that we are the be all end all band with substance, but hardcore these days is quite boring.
We played the show, we went to Cyber Dogs I ate entirely too much and then we headed home. Chris came in in the morning and told us that his mom booked him a plane ticket and that he'd be leaving at 5:00 that day. I was upset, the second time he's done this to us and me. I couldn't stop him though. People do what they want to do. And I'll never stop them.
The rest of the day was spent being frustrated/depressed/any emotion but happy. We ate Aryas, we went to mighty - o's. We went to singles going steady which was a let down again, I guess they got new management and the old owner took all the good records with him, it was obvious. We went back to the house where I spent the rest of the night just hanging out. I didn't want to be around anyone, I just wanted to listen to music and that's all.
The next morning we woke up and went to mighty o. I got a dozen donuts to share with someone and I was excited to show them how awesome these donuts taste. After mighty o we decide to go to wayward. Let me just say...I'll never go there again. The quality has decreased so much it wasn't even the same place. Definitely disappointed. After wayward we made the long trek to Redding where wed be greeted with amazing food for the second time around and good friends for the night. The day of driving was exactly that, a day of driving. Nothing more, nothing less.
Friday morning rolled around, the last day of tour and we were without our singer. I couldn't even stand the thought of how terrible this show could be. We made our way to Gilman and we get there 3 hours before everyone so we have time to hang out and sleep or eat. Finally show time rolls around and people start coming. It wasn't a packed show but it wasn't small either. The bands that played were pretty rad. Dukes up!, the separation, abhf were all fun to watch. Finally our set was next and I was nervous. Surprisingly people were having fun and singing along...then we played our new song as an instrumental...we liked it so much that we decided we didn't need words for it. The song was going fine and we were at the very end of it...then kevan smacked his guitar right into his knee and popped it out of place. He was carried into the office and then some very kind souls offered to take him to the hospital. I go with them. We stayed in the E.R. For two hours or so. And then we drive to santa cruz.
I woke up at 12. P.m. The latest I'd ever slept in. We go and eat Dharmas...it was good. After that we walked the down town area, there was nothing there for us. We're two recluses just wanting to lay in bed and watch movies...so that's we did. Literally all we did. It was nice.

Now it's the second day after tour and I'm still in bed, in santa cruz. I love this place. Sometimes I never want to leave.

The good life is out there somewhere,
XadrianX

Untitled VI.

Really, my mind is in too much of a clusterfuck to write.













Things fall apart,
XadrianX

Untitled III.

So last night we played Portland. We played at Sweet Pea Vegan Bakery. The show was way funner than I expected. Friendly Dave is an awesome person. He's always treated us nice. The trip here was long and I was in a bad mood about 98% of the time. I didn't talk to anyone at all, the whole 7 hours. After we got here we were going to go to Paradox vegan diner, but we got there and it was packed, so we came to Daves house. Luckily we got here just in time to have our meal being cooked. The food was good. The company was good. The weather was my favorite. The movies were terrible, I couldn't ask for anything better.
I like portland. It's rainy, they have vegan nachos with a nacho cheese pump, vegan mini mall, good bike riding city, it's pretty charming. Although I still like Santa Cruz more. Today we're going to try going to Paradox one more time and then stopping by Sweet Pea because one of the ladies there said she'd give us free baked goods. This tour has been...different, to say the least. Different in a good way though. After Sweet Pea we're going to drive up to Seattle and staying there for 2 days. All you can eat vegan thai food, vegan chili dogs, vegan pizzaria, vegan sandwich shop, vegan donuts, life simply can't get better...yes it can...but it won't.

That's it, I'm the only one who would wake up at 6 in the morning, on tour, when I don't have to. Everyone else is sleeping around me while I type this. Oh well.

2 more shows left, 3 more days.

Untitled II.

No update yesterday. Quick recap on the weekend.
On our way to Santa Cruz our alternater broke and we had to get a new one. That was a total of 100 or something dollars. We hung out infront of the auto parts store while Matt from ABHF installed it for us. Thank god for car savvy gentlemen. Anyway, we got there just in time to catch touche amore's last 2 songs. That band is awesome. After them that band Maladie from Tijuana played. They were pretty good. After that Dukes up! Played and I always enjoy heckling them. I'm stoked they didn't open the show cause they always open shows. After that ABHF played. And as I expected, people stood around, granted they are a first time band on tour and it was their first show in Santa Cruz, I didn't expect the most enthusiastic crowd response. After them Baader brains played, I enjoy bands with gimicks but I think they definitely took away from the momentum of the show. Either way, it was rad seeing the drummer of struggle still doing D.I.Y. Punk/postpunk whatever stuff.
After that we played. The set was fun. I got pictures taken a million times. I'm a closet narcissist, sue me.
After the show we packed up, I offended a raw girl cause I was mocking typical idiots who make fun of raw/vegans. Some people have no sense of humor, it truly annoys me.
We met at Saturn with a bunch of people, saw a bunch of old faces, met a bunch of new ones whom I'll forget, as I'm sure they'll forget mine. I put morrissey on the juke box, it was enjoyable. I drove in a car with someone I just met to their house, cause we were staying there. I'm not much of a talker, it's sad sometimes. We get to their house and meet their cats. I was very stoked that the house we stayed in was clean/er than most. Everyone came, everyone talked, everyone left or went to sleep. I stayed in the house instead of the van. My throat was hurting me.
I went to sleep at 7 in the morning and woke up at 8. I was groggy and my throat still hurt.
I wrote a thank you note and we left. We picked up Chris then went down town to the record store and American Apperal. I got an ink & dagger 7 inch, fugazi 7 inch, smiths - panic single 12inch, and I know there's another 7inch somewhere in there. After the record store I decided I wanted to go to American Apperal and get a new shirt for friday nights show at Gilman.
We left town around noon and were off to Redding. Eventually Redding was gotten to. It's a small town. I needed a beanie, so I picked up a Nascar beanie. We got to the Rec. Center and we saw Ben. I enjoy that fine young man so much, he's always treated me so well and has never given me a reason to think he'd do otherwise. The show started and the turn out was better than we all expect. ABHF's set was the most well received. They definitely won some people over in Redding and I'm happy for them. After that, the Separation played. They get better every time I see them and I enjoy seeing them every time. They've got a good sound and a good message.
We played after them. The set was o.k. It was a chance to play and I always enjoy playing, some more than others, but it was ok. After our set I went out for a walk. I came back and we were off to "thunderdome", where Ben lives. The Redding kids cooked us food. Their hospitality makes me have a little more faith in the world. Everyone went to sleep. I woke up at 6, showered, did my hair and now we're on our way to Portland.

This post is boring, there's a thousand other things going through my mind at the moment and writing in this thing is the only thing that's keeping me somewhat sane.

Viva Hate,
XadrianX

I woke up at 6:45 in a some what excited mood. Like when I was a little kid the morning of going to disney land. I took a shower and started packing my things up. I woke up a.j. Cause he spent the night. It's kind of strange cause I haven't had someone spend the night in years, Literally since I was about 6. I prepped, did my thing and went skating to my truck. I love skating, I really need to get into it again. Anyway, we then went to Farm to Market and picked up trail mix and kombucha...see this always happens, I decide I want to be healthy on tour...but I never eat healthy. We got to chris's house at 9. An hour earlier than we were supposed to. We then got a call saying that Kevan showed up an hour later then he was supposed to. I was pretty irritated, but really what could I have done.
The men finally show up and then it's load in time. We start loading up and everything starts building up and I start hating everything even more. And I tell myself that this is tour and I better get used to it.
Eventually we're on the road, on our way to santa barbara. The van set up is pretty nice. I'm sitting in a chair. I can't sit on the floor cause I'd get car sick and I can't sit facing back wards cause I'd get sick. So I'm kind of the dude who needs to be sitting down. Anyway the drive wasn't that bad. I think our van might break down, but it wouldn't be tour without a break down.
We get to santa barbara and we go to a place called pizza guru, pretty good pizza. I ate 12 slices. Fuck.

Anyway, we get to the show and it's the same venue I played with Restrained, the same owner and all. Except this time he said he's going vegan, and he's going to try and get his whole family to go vegan after seeing the meet your meat and "earthlings" videos we were playing at the last Restrained show there. I was pretty flattered and stoked to hear him say that.
The show started with a band called White god, they were really nice guys and I was excited to see a 2 piece band. After white god a local band from south orange county who has now moved to Santa Barbara played. They were kind enough to flatter us during their set.
Then our tour mates A Better Hope Foundation played. They get better everytime I see them. I'm excited we get to share the van with them and shows with them. This is definitely a cool experience, for both of us. I enjoy watching bands we tour with because it's funny to see how two different personalities (or so it seems like) can come from individuals. I'd like to think I'm the same person on stage as I am hanging around. But no one really knows that, cause I don't hang out.
Our set was fun. Their were kids singing along and it sounded pretty good, it's all I can ask for.
After we loaded up and went to our friend Tosh's house. Him, his sister sarah, and little brother taylor live there with their mom who happens to be a vegan baker. They are the nicest family ever. I stayed in the van with Justin, sina and kevan. We have a mattress on the floor so it was comfortable enough for me to not be grumpy.
I woke up at 7 and went into the house and showered and did my hair. Everyone woke up and we just hung out. Allan, our good friend in who used to be in Gather asked us if wed like to do an interview between each member of the band and we all agreed. He took us into a room and we all talked about the new album and the song writng, politics, etc. I tend to have a hard time speaking, but I like interviews.
After the interview we packed up and we're now on our way to Santa Cruz, my favorite town other then San Juan. Tonights show should be fun, but I won't promise my self anything.

Sincerely mine,
XadrianX

LV.

So I have moved back into my parents house, so many people dread going back into their parents house after having a taste of "freedom" but I wasn't dreading anything. I really felt like I needed to spend some serious alone time with my self when I lived with my friends. I enjoy the people I lived with but with the kind of person I am, I couldn't function properly. I'm enjoying the life of reclusion and total abandonment of everything and everyone. I have no attachments. I can truly say I am back to my old self, although that was never something to really brag about. I listen to my records in the morning, go running, get ready for work, then come back after work, run and read.

I am done.

LIII.

I had a good meeting with a friend today. We discussed the terrible aspects of the hardcore scene these days and the even more terrible aspects of life itself. I can't say that I'm not excited about anything because that is definitely not true. I'm finally going to be on a piece of wax and forever immortalized. I'm in two bands that have my organ that pumps blood through-out my whole body. I'm still straightedge, and I'm still vegan. I'm still just as pist at the world as I was when I was 13 years old. I really can't complain about things right now. I heard some good news the other day...my brother who's serving a life sentence (or was) is being called back into court do to his trial being botched. His lawyer said with how serious the trial was fucked, he should get time served and be out within 2 weeks. My mom told me the news and I couldn't believe it...I hope for his sake, and my moms sake and my sake that it happens. I have a lot of stuff to show him. He missed out on 10 years of my life and I can't remember the last time I was truly happy since his leaving.

On the other hand I don't want him to see how much of a mess I have become. It's time for bed.

Play list:
The Swans - Children of God
The Sword - Gods of The Earth
Floor - Floor
Torche - Torche
Isis - In The Absence of Truth
Cursed - II/III
Trap Them - Seance Prime
Quicksand - Slip

LI.

My insomnia-esque way of sleeping has been killing me recently. I used to not mind it but now I realized there really is no point to being awake. I try to fall asleep as fast as possible. I just wanted yesterday to end as soon as it began. I felt unmotivated to do anything or to say anything to anyone. I can't wait to get out of this house, I like my friends but I think I'm going to kill myself if I have to live another month here. I don't like being depressed around people who are having a good time, it's even more depressing. I just want to spend time in a room alone and not having people asking me how I'm doing so I'll have to lie to them.
I suppose I saw the end coming and I shouldn't be surprised in the slightest. You get a quick moment of relief knowing that the pain of heartache is just beginning rather than wondering when it's going to happen...well it's happening now and it catches you by surprise. Then again when have I ever gotten a fair warning about anything?
In other uninteresting news, 7 Generations is going into the studio to record our full length and I'm kind of optimistic? I've been lovesick for studio time for a long time...almost 4 years. Last time I was in the studio I was so depressed I couldn't even put into words how shitty I was feeling. Sitting in a room with 4 of my best friends (at the time) for 16 hours just watching some guy click around on the computer screen. It was exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things...or just dive into my problems and work them out by myself. I'm going in with Tim to help him record drums and then lay down the guitar tracks. I'm also pretty optimistic about tour...I shouldn't get myself stoked about anything...that's when heartache comes into the equation and I've had too much for now. I'm a train wreck that hasn't stopped pushing forward, piling more cars onto each other without any warning...no train signals, just coming out of left field. When will I end?

Truly mine,
Adrian

Overworked

My sleeping schedule has seriously become a nuisance, I can't sleep for a full night to save my life. Last night I went to bed early do to my excessive headache and I saw no reason to stay awake anymore. To no avail, I woke up 2 hours later and walked around a bit then went back to sleep. I then woke up another 2 hours later...and then another 2 hours later. I've been awake for about an hour and a half and the possibility of any sleep is bleak. My mind is racing and I feel like I should be doing something, but I have nothing to do. I'm kind of excited to move back out to my moms. I can have more money for spending on guitar stuff and other equipment. I've been in the process of writing "shoegazey" music and so far so good. I have the structures to a few songs down and I just need to work on them daily.

2 weeks ago I was one of the happiest people around and now I'm back down in my slump. Moving into my moms is going to help me get back into my hermit mode where I hardly eat and work out way too much for my own good. I hope I can get some decent sleep, it's all I ask...then again what have I ever gotten out of asking?

I've run out of things to talk about or I stopped caring.

P.S. There's got to be something wrong with dreaming about guitar heads every time you close your eyes.

Wasting in no ones arms,
Adrian

Life in regret.

Times have not been too kind to me (well, recently). I've been waking up every hour for the past 3 nights. My mind is always somewhere else when I'm somewhere else.

I told my room mates that I'm moving back into my moms house by the end of this month. We'll see how things go with that. I'll probably just dip back into my routine of being a manic depressive and eating unhealthy and running too much...who said that's a bad thing?

I watched a documentary called "The Bridge", it was about people who committed suicide off the golden gate bridge. Although it was depressing, I thought it was one of the most romantic things...it sounds strange to say. People killing them selves in front of hundreds of people. Next time I'm in the bay area I want to walk along that bridge, I haven't since I was 8 or so.

I have nothing else to write about, nothing else has a purpose.

Somewhere out there, I hope someone is having a good life...cause they're living one for me.

-XadrianX

Dislocation

I'm cutting off all my loose ends that amount to nothing more than dead weight. I can't see the good things, ever. Don't worry about me, I'll do what I need to do. I'm just here to be as tragic as I can be without getting too redundant (although I think I have passed that point). Tonight's Friday night, and for the first Friday since I can remember I'm not depressed. I'm just content. Dare I say excited...about tomorrow. I'm excited about tomorrow for the first time, since I was a little kid and "tomorrow" meant going to a theme park with my friends. I might just be content cause I got some awesome records in the mail today that are making me increasingly happy the more I think about them. I suppose this is the time I should tell you what records they are, but I'm not going to. I don't care to. Cause you don't matter. I'm thinking about something else. I'm thinking about someone else. This post doesn't matter. I'm getting out. I'm getting tired. I'm getting...fuck it, I don't care anymore.

Always Ill.

I'll start this entry off with a warning...here it is. There really is no point to this entry, I just feel like writing something, even if I make myself look like an idiot. It's not that hard.

So I'm writing this as my over head lamp (that is placed ever so conveniently over my bed) moves around from side to side from me hitting my head on it as I got up to turn off the light. I'm really a mess right now. But I'm fine with messes, just as long as they are not in my way.
Last night I called it quits early. I went to sleep at about 11:00 p.m. after eating our vegan versions of KFC's "bowls". The coma that ensued after our meal was too much for me to handle. My day basically went like this...Wake, shower, work, eat, sleep. Nothing more, nothing less. Yesterday was my moms birthday, she's almost 50. That's so crazy to think about. I get teary eyed just thinking about her life being half way over. I just got teary eyed typing that. Horrible.
Anyway, to avoid any rant about how I think my mom is the best person on this blue ball, and that how I think she should live forever, I'm going to stop talking about her (although I love her dearly).

This morning I woke up in extreme pain, at about 3 in the morning. I've been up since. I don't know what's wrong with me. I woke up and my stomach didn't hurt, my head didn't hurt, I didn't hit my head on the wall from a dream I was having. I just hurt and I don't know why. I've been up since then. I played some Tony Hawk Pro Skater, read, listened to music, looked at my records, I did everything I could to kill time and or fall asleep and nothing was working. In about an hour I'm about to consume some of the best vegan food anyone can eat. I'm going to bring some for my boss, his life isn't looking so great either and it's bumming me out. He's gone through more shit in the past 25 days then I have ever had to in 19 years of my life. Let me tell you, if it were me, I wouldn't be writing this blog. Someone would be writing this blog about me...whatever that means. It sounded better in my head.

Today is Friday, my worst day. I hate this day. I always have and always will. It will probably end up with me sitting in my room writing about how much I hate this day. Or it might end in me heading to the movies alone to watch a movie, or two, or three. Either way, fuck Fridays.

Day 9/Fin.

Well, tour ended two days ago. I've just been semi busy since I've got home picking up where I left off. I'll recap the last days.

Since I last wrote in this, I was laying down on the back bench of the van, half asleep. I fell asleep very shortly after having typed that. I woke up through out random times in the night hearing blink 182 and no doubt being played loudly as we drove through Nevada. I then woke up about 100 miles out of Vegas. Bryan was falling asleep at 8 in the morning while driving the van, so I told him I'll drive. I drove us to vegas where we stopped at yet another vegan donut shop. To be honest, I was skeptical...but numerous and very trustworthy sources have verified that they are in fact vegan donuts. Kevan and Eric got dozens of donuts, Eric got 2 dozen and a dozen donut holes. It was perfect timing too, right in the morning and they made you feel guilty for having ate them. The donuts definitely reminded me of when I was a little kid and when I used to go to the donut shop down town with my dad to get donuts. If you're in vegas then I definitely suggest you check the place out, it's the only thing worth going to vegas for. So after our donut stop we started on our long treck to Arizona. I drove us on the Hoover damn, Thomas was way stoked on it. He even called his mom to tell her that he was driving on it. We yelled terrorist threats on it, hoping to scare people but no one paid attention...figures. After the damn it was just a lot of desert. Some how Kevan and I convinces Thomas that we drove by the Grand Canyon (he really wanted to see it) while he was asleep. We had him going for about the rest of the day. It was definitely funny to see how upset he was...even though the closest we would get to it would be 200 miles away.

We got into Arizona around three and we went to 7Jens house to pick her up. She was our guide for the night. She showed us the way to American Apperal and Green, the restaurant (which is overrated). I got a new jacket at American Apperal which was nice and I got a small bowl which was disappointing, at Green. We then went to the house where the show was going to be. We hung around for awhile and sat in the random room that was playing the original "dawn of the dead" movie. I'm always up for watching zombie movies. Eventually people got there and I saw old friends. The show started with two openers then us and then a closer. Our set seemed to be the most well received, from what I could tell. I wasn't really paying attention to other bands, having to work stuff out with the guys. Anyways, thanks to the great man, John o'Hagen we made enough money to buy gas for us and then some, that meant no more paying gas out of our own pockets. After the show we went on a crazy adventure to find this really sketchy burrito place. It happened to be the place where I first ate at my first time touring to Arizona. I didn't get anything. We then went to 7Jens friends house (whos name escapes me at the moment) and stayed the night there. She had a nice apartment and she was nice as well. I woke up at 6 and showered and got dressed and woke people up. We were off to home, a 5 hour drive on the 8 down to san diego then back up through orange county to drop me off.

All in all the tour was bitter sweet. I met some nice people who have probably forgotten about me already. Now I'm sitting in my room writing this at 2 a.m. not being able to sleep because there's too much on my mind. I think this is all I have for now.


I'm all love sick for broken white lines,
XadrianX

Day 7/8.

So I've been horrible at keeping this thing updated on a day to day basis. I'll start off where I left off, in the van on our way to redding from Portland Oregon. What can I say? We drove for 10 hours straight. The only thing that happened that was exciting enough to write about was both vans stopping at an exit where there was an abandoned cafe, where we smashed the windows and broke stuff. That was way fun. Nothing else too exciting happened. Joey, from the Separation came into our van with us. I wasn't awake for most of the conversations him and everyone in the van were having.

10 hours later we get home and we have lasagna baked and ready for us. The lasagna was good but the cake they made was fantastic. We all fell asleep pretty early. I know I did.

This morning I woke up at 7 for no apperant reason. I showered and got dressed to leave. We all got up fairly early. We all waited around until noonish and then we headed to the local health food store. After, we went to a really good burrito place in redding. We had to pick up Joey and Harry. The burritos were awesome.

After the burrito place we headed to the gas station and then we were off. It was raining too hard for me to drive comfortably, but I did it any way. The drive was good except for the last hour. We were driving through the mountaints, where we had to drive with chains on our tires. It was just very slow moving and frustrating to drive with chains on our tires.

We finally got to the house we were playing at. The kid was awesome because they recently dumpstered the odwalla factory and they had a grip load of drinks waiting for us. They also cooked for us. I was stoked. Finally we set up but my amp was annoying me so I wasn't really excited about playing, but I did what I had to do. Then the Separation got on and they blew me away as always. The band its self is awesome and them as people rule. I definitely have had the best times on tour with those guys. Tonight wa sour last night with them and it was depressing to let them go. I hope they play some shows with us down south soon. As I said it was depressing saying goodbye to all those guys.

I am sitting in the van right now on our 12 hour drive on our way to phoenix Arizona for our last show of the tour. It doesn't feel like the tour since we aren't playing with the Separation. I can't wait to see them again. I'm come home tomorrow.

P.s. We got the separations van one last time with a chocolate protein odwalla all over their window.

My life is an endless succession of people saying "goodbye",
XadrianX

Day 5/6.

Right now I'm sitting in a college rec. room, using Nate's laptop and the schools wireless internet to type this blog. Let me give you a recap of the day yesterday and today.

Yesterday morning I slept in the van because I was so drained after the show at camp nowhere. That morning (as I wrote in the previous post) I woke up to shit smeared on every window in our van. I walked into the house where everyone was sleeping and I confronted our roadie Bryan who has been smearing shit everywhere on this tour. We then retaliated with shit on their van. Eventually we all showered and then we started the very slow process of cleaning up the vans. In short we all ran around with poop covered napkins wiping them on each others vans/door handles. I ended up with poop all over my hands and I ran around throwing up or close to throwing up. I rad as fast as I could have into the house and washed my hands for 5 minutes straight. The rest of the day I was psychologically suffering being paranoid that I smelled like feces. After we spent an hour hosing down our vans we went on our way to arayas all you can eat vegan thai restaurant. We ran into my room mate Chris and Ashley who were on vacation in Seattle, it was nice having lunch with those two. We discussed once again the zombie apocalypse with Thomas, Ben, and mosher Matt. I love those talks, they keep me sane and prepared for the inevitable end. After Arayas we went to Radio shack to try and find a phone charger for Eric. After the failed mission in Radioshack we went to American Apperal. I got a cardigan (i dont know why) and a nice v neck sweater. I'm actually wearing them both right now. After American Apperal we headed to singles going steady, a nice record store with a bunch of history surrounding it. I got The Promise Ring "Nothing feels good" cd and a few seven inches. After the record store we headed to Bremerton and got to the Tiki house. The guy who booked the show, Evan is a very nice kid. I wish I had a house like him when I was younger. I always wanted to book hardcore shows at my own house. But, at the same time I'm glad I didn't because my house would have been a mess, like his is/was last night. Anyway, I thought we played a good set. The show got as good as it could get. After the show I just fell asleep in the van at 11, before the count down. I felt kind of shitty and depressed, I don't know why, but I suppose that's how I always get around this time of the year.


This morning I woke up and showered and got all dressed. We walked to Albertsons where we acquired some food. We walked back in time to catch everyone as they were waking up. Kevan, Eric, Thomas, Joey, Ben, Harry, and I all sat in the separations van just chatting about random stuff. I think this is the most connected I've ever been with a band on tour. On previous tours we split up and don't really do much together, but this tour almost everything we do is together. After everyone woke up, we headed on our way to Olympia where we heard about some vegan restaurants. The first two we checked were closed. We went to this really good burrito place down town and had some food. Everyone wanted to hang out around town since the show wasn't for a few hours. I told everyone in our band that we should just get to the place we're playing cause I was tired. So we headed to the college, and the room we were playing in was very hard to find. We asked people and they didn't really know what we were talking about. Then we pulled up to this hippy guy who was upset with our van being so big...so much so he asked us to turn off our van "because of the carbons"..then said "thanks brother". He totally ignored the fact that turning on the car releases more carbons than having it running in idle. I hope I made his day by turning off our van.

Finally we call the Separation guys and tell them to meet up with us so they can show us where it is, do to certain members having previously played there. Anyway, we had to drive down some walk way to get to the rec room. We got there and it was a relief, no one was there and it was just a big living room. We had ping pong, air hockey, pool, wireless internet, bathrooms and other such things. We hung out for about an hour and then loaded in. Josh, the kid who booked the show and who has previously booked 7 generations shows up in Olympia arrived and we greeted him. We started arranging the place, moving couches/tables/etc. Kids started showing up, a lot of the kids from last nights show showed up. Those kids are crazy, they brought their skateboards with them and were skating inside the building, grinding random things and skidding acrossed the floor. Those kids give me a small glimpse of hope because they're happy and have a good time, always. Anyway, the show started, it was pretty small. The first 3 bands are bands that we've played with numerous times on this tour. Those guys are nice. One of the bands guitarists had a smiths patch sewed onto his back pocket so that was awesome. The Separation then went on, those dudes are what keep me sane. I love watching them play because they're all different personalities meshing together to play one style of music, and they do it well. We then went on and I thought it was a good set. I didn't like the part where my chord was cutting out but whatever. After our set, a lot of people said that it was the best set they've seen us play in awhile. I was flattered. It's nice getting those kinds of compliments sometimes. Sometimes you wonder why you even do it. Why do we tour to not make money? Or not get paid? I know why, but a lot of people think we're crazy for doing it. One more band went on, I wasn't paying attention though cause I went to go get our van and pull it up to the venue to load in. After we all loaded up and said our goodbyes we went back to that burrito place. I got sweet potato fries which were nothing compared to veggie grills. We then went back to Josh's house and got all settled. Everyone fell asleep pretty early but I was up all night on aim, trying to stay awake. Eventually I fell asleep talking to the person (sorry). I always do that. I remember at one point one of the cats came and sat on my neck and just layed there and wanted to sleep there. That was one of my favorite cats I have encountered. Eventually the cat got annoyed with me trying to find a way to get comfortable with it on my neck, and just got up and left.

This morning I woke up at 8 because we were supposed to leave at 9. Everyone got ready pretty quickly and we all went outside where our vans were running and ready for us to get into. Then the separation attacked us. They ran out of their van and got a fire extinguisher and blew it on our front windshield. All the chemicals came into the vents and we all started choking and our eyes started burning. That was a very creative move on their part. I'm glad we have all banned the feces smearing. The last time was pretty gross.

And now here I am in the van, typing this on our way to Portlands vegan grocery store "food fight!". I am excited to see their new location. Today is our day off, but we have a 12 hour drive ahead of us. We'll see what happens on this long drive. We should be getting into Redding at 11 p.m. Tonight.

Falling with no one to catch me,
XadrianX